The Hot Seat | Mental Poo

Monday, May 05, 2008

The Hot Seat


So…you people like ass cooties.

Numbers don’t lie.

Well…my second poll is over and done with.

Let’s recap:

The Question:
Which Toilet Would You Choose

The Choices:

1)
The warm one (with lingering ass-cooties on it)
2) The unused one, with pee (or pubes) on the seat
3) I’d rather poo my pants
4) I’m a girl, I don’t poo

Some of you may ask:

1) “Why would you ask such a stupid f*cking question?”
2) “What’s wrong with you?”
3) “Shizzazz! Why are you so damn fine?” (I also appeal to gangstas)

Well…to my regular readers, you know there are a LOT of answers to those questions.

To everyone else, this idea came to me as I’ve spent the last two weeks wrestling with bouts of explosive diarrhea that could rival the blast at Hiroshima.

Seriously…

...at one point, I poo’d and a little mushroom cloud came out of the toilet.


Anyway…

…I’ve spent more time in the bathroom than George Michael and Senator Larry Craig on a date together.


As such, I’ve had lots of time and opportunity to contemplate this conundrum.

Which toilet should I choose?

Well…76 people voted…and here are their answers:

The warm one (with lingering ass-cooties on it)

19 (25%)

The unused one, with pee (or pubes) on the seat

8 (10%)

I'd rather poo my pants.

11 (14%)

I'm a girl, I don't poo.

38 (50%)


Fourth Place:
The unused one, with pee (or pubes) on the seat: 8 votes, 10% of total.



Before we discuss this…let’s look at third place…

Third Place:
I’d rather poo my pants: 11 votes, 14% of total.

Um.

Ew?

Seriously…

...11 people out there would rather sh*t themselves then sit on a john with a short curly on it.


The only time I actually consider dropping a loaf in my briefs is when the hair on the toilet seat IS FACIAL HAIR.

You. F*cker.

SHAVE OVER THE F*CKING SINK.


Really.

If I wanted to sit on facial hair, I’d go to a f*cking gay bar.

I hope you slice your f*cking jugular, die in a puddle of blood in the handicapped stall, and have your corpse beaten by an angry mob of crippled lepers, as they violate you with their wheelchair joysticks.


The sink. Shave over the f*cking sink.

Thanks in advance.

(Ladies, if you have this same problem…you’re either in the wrong bathroom…or there’s a transvestite in your midst)

Second Place:

The warm one (with lingering ass-cooties on it): 19 votes, 25% of total.

Nice. This is also my choice.

Ass-cooties can be removed by simply licking the seat or rubbing your penis/vagina (or, for you hermaphrodites, your "penigina" or "vagenis") all over it while chanting “I like frozen pizza!!”

At least this is how I do it.


A warm seat seems to say:

“Hey, you’re not alone in having to poop today.

We’re all together in this crazy, mixed-up world.

We all share the same sky.

And some of us really had to sh*t like a f*cking horse. Wow…that thing is, like, two feet long. What the Hell did you have for dinner?



First Place:
I’m a girl, I don’t poo: 38 votes, 50% of total.

I KNEW IT.

Poo fairies ARE REAL.


Either that, or there are a lot of chicks out there that eat too many bananas.

Seriously ladies…try some goddamn fiber.

I’m just glad I’M not a girl.

I’d HATE to NOT poo. Really…I have no idea what I’d do with that three hours a day of free time I’d have.

Well…that’s ONE reason I’m glad I’m not a girl.

The other reason is having to put a penis in my mouth.

Fool me once, dad…shame on you….fool me twice…


Anyway…

Thanks for voting!! We’ll do this again some time.

Once I get off the crapper.

The warm one, of course.

Moog out.

16 comments:

The Doggy Did It said...

Sitting down on a warm toilet totally makes my butt hole clench up...for some reason I just cannot do it knowing that some nasty phucker was there just minutes before me.

billymac said...

you typically have a lot of hilarious photos and shit... but the one with George Michael is pure genius... and now people at work think i'm creepy.

~Brenda said...

Frick! Between the flaming outhouse and the wham comment...this is one of the best yet!

Blonde Goddess said...

I honestly think all the women who say they don't poo are LYING.

On my first date with my husband, I told him, "I'm just going to get this out of the way right now." and proceeded to kick my leg up and fart...loudly...obnoxiously and odorously.

He fell in love INSTANTLY...we've been married almost twenty years.

C.Rag said...

I usually poo in someone's mouth or chest. It all depends.

Becky..AMHW said...

I'm a girl and I'm quite regular. I'm over providing an aura of mystery for men. I poop, I burp and I fart.

I'm sexy as hell.

Buzzardbilly said...

Your bit about facial hair on the toilet seat totally distracted me from thoughts of poo (I, a female, for the record do poo). It was the line about how if you wanted to sit on facial hair you'd go to a gay bar.

I once rode on the train from DC to NYC with Twisted Shit (whom I've blogged about). Two young black men sat in the seats behind us. One was giving the other shit because the other's girlfriend had a rather large chickstache. The other said to the funmaker, "You've never had your dick sucked by a woman with a mustache?" The funmaker said, "Hell no." The other said, "Well, I love it. Once you've had a chick with a stache it's all you'll want." From there it was an hour long rave review on chickstache felatio (chickstachio?) that left the other guy swearing he was going to bed the next chickstache he saw.

Is that sufficiently gross for you?

Prin said...

You rock my socks, moooog. :D

Meghan said...

If I had a warm toilet, I'd write all my posts while on the can.Not pooping of course.

AngryMan said...

You need some mental help, Mr. Mental Poo.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

landon just got a new job, and he's been complaining about how rancid his chair smells. hmm... ass cooties?

Lakota said...

Ladies never poo, fart, belch, snort or sweat... everyone knows THAT. But we do have to sit down to pee. :P

Simply Curious said...

I knew it. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it wasn't a big lollipop. Come to think of it...not that big, either.

Mike said...

That's a sweet leather mask and some nice man boobs mooog!

Malicious Intent said...

So glad I don't poop. It all seems rather complicated to me. My poop fairy rocks.

Chizmosa said...

I would go for the warm one too ;0

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