15 Bullets (Mississippi, Day 2) | Mental Poo

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

15 Bullets (Mississippi, Day 2)


How's it going?


Read this, then YOU tell me.

This is an IM conversation I had with my buddy Rob the other night...

...as I waited in the office for Hillbilly Bob to get his hick-ass-grit-eating-duck-shooting sh*t together.

(Note how Rob immediately goes for the "anal violation by Southern guy" angle):


hey...hows your ass?

Nice. This place is a f*ckhole

midgetmanofsteel: I'm IN A MOTEL

midgetmanofsteel: A F*CKING MOTEL

Rob: lol

midgetmanofsteel: ..I was typing my blog for tomorrow...and a f*cking bug landed on my hand. What the Hell is up with that sh*t?

Rob: LOL

midgetmanofsteel: the guy that works here - get this

midgetmanofsteel: has FIFTEEN bullets in his cube that...wait for it...

Rob: bullets?

midgetmanofsteel: ...he FOUND IN THE PARKING LOT

midgetmanofsteel: THE PARKING LOT

Rob: real bullets?

midgetmanofsteel: THE F*CKING PARKING LOT

midgetmanofsteel: BULLETS

Rob: lol

midgetmanofsteel: YES...REAL F*CKING BULLETS

midgetmanofsteel: I want to go home.

Rob: maybe you can get a cheap hooker

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...and some syphilis

midgetmanofsteel: awesome.

Rob: LOL

midgetmanofsteel: I pull into the parking lot of MY F*CKING MOTEL (remind me to sue Garber F*cking Travel), and there are security guards.

midgetmanofsteel: I have bars on my f*cking room window

Rob: no way

midgetmanofsteel: it's like I'm in the TV show "Good Times"

midgetmanofsteel: I'm expecting Thelma and JJ to come through my door

Rob: LOL

Rob: dyn-o-mite!

midgetmanofsteel: yeah..dynamite

midgetmanofsteel: my rental car is going to get stolen

Rob: you poor bastard

midgetmanofsteel: you watch

Rob: LOL

Rob: stop it. I am crying

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...me too...but I'm not laughing as I'm doing it.

Rob: I am sure

midgetmanofsteel: I'm going to curled up in f*cking fetal position all night in the bathtub holding the toilet brush as my weapon.

Rob: lmao

midgetmanofsteel: I'm SO outta here tomorrow

midgetmanofsteel: it's like I'm living inside Shawshank

midgetmanofsteel: the guy that works here just took the other vendor chick outside because she smokes

midgetmanofsteel: he's like..."you don't really want to go outside."

midgetmanofsteel: WTF

Rob: no way

Rob: wow

midgetmanofsteel: ah...they made it back.

Rob: Jackson, Mississippi is not a vacation spot?

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...for violent f*cking repeat criminals it's an apparent hotspot

Rob: lol

Rob: is the chick hot?

midgetmanofsteel: no..she looks like my foot.

Rob: short and stubby

midgetmanofsteel: she looks like my foot, if my dog chewed on it for three weeks.

Rob: nice

midgetmanofsteel: yeah...she's a beaut.

midgetmanofsteel: ..and when this is over...I'm going to be driving back to my shiteating motel at 3 in the f*cking morning.

midgetmanofsteel: awesome.

midgetmanofsteel: I can only imagine the wonderful crowd that will be there to greet me in the dimly lit parking lot.

midgetmanofsteel: I'm gonna get stuck with a shiv...I just know it.

Rob: find a big stick with a nail in it

midgetmanofsteel: if I find it...it will probably already be embedded in my skull.

Rob: now now..it cant be that bad

midgetmanofsteel: no..it's bad.

I'm little, Rob. LITTLE.

midgetmanofsteel: it's like waving a four year old boy in front of a priest...I'm MARKED.

Rob: ok..maybe you can borrow billy bobs gun

midgetmanofsteel: I'm just going to collect those bullets and make "POW! POW!" noises and throw them.

Rob: just park real close to the door and run your LITTLE ass off

yeah...extra bonus...all the "CLOSE" spots are cordoned off for some f*cking reason

midgetmanofsteel: I'm guessing there was a murder.

Rob: LOL

Rob: be good and hit em low

Rob: like you have a choice


There you have it.

Maybe the last words I'll ever write.

Honey...the Will is in the filing cabinet.

..and no...you cannot remarry.

Let's just get that out there in front.

Moog out.


Hungry Mother said...

I've been busy marking my road atlas to detour around Mississippi whenever I'm going to come close.

AngryMan said...

A person is not a grit eater. It is always GRITS, kind of like how deer is singular and plural. If you want to have grits, just head back via I-81 and Wifey will make grits for you.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Jesus. And I thought going to jail in Alabama was bad.
Not so much anymore.

Anonymous said...

Who knew you were such a pussy? Suck it up and go make friends.

Mike said...

I'm near the reservation.

We were digging a hole for a cistern at the service area office out there. We found three spent bullet casings.

I'm glad we didn't dig deep enough to find the bodies that went with them.

HeyJoe said...

What Mimzie said. I'm sure the Sisters of Shawshank would welcome you with open arms.

Here's what you do, on your way back to the motel at 3AM you call the cops and report a shooting at the motel. Then, by the time you get there you'll have protection. More than likely they'll already be there before you call.

Rahul said...

Jackson Missippi is calling my name!

Was this the plot of Mississippi Marsala?

Malicious Intent said...

What a wimp! Don't you have ANY street smarts? Get over it! If you walk around looking like you belong there, no one will notice. Besides, freaks blend in well...if you truly are the freak you make yourself to be here...should be no problem.

Go out and get a new tat tonight. At least it is entertaining and something you can take home and always remember your trip.

Baba Doodlius said...

Just remember the age-old rule: if you're going to get anally raped, you might as well just relax and enjoy it.

Moooooog35 said...

Quick update:

I made it out alive.


(kissing ground)

Also...so nice to see my readers have such compassion. Let's see...in 10 comments I've been called a pussy and a wimp twice.

Usually, these terms are reserved only for use by my wife.

One last update tomorrow, and then I'm putting this sh*thole behind me.

Speaking of sh*thole...no...I managed to escape with an unscathed sphincter.

This makes me happy.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

Ok most of the stuff you write about MS, I just laugh at...but I'm going to have to call b/s on this one, b/c even though I live on the beaches of the MS Gulf Coast I travel a lot to Jackson for business...hmmmm I don't remember being scared to walk down the street LOL, next time you travel don't forget your ball's from the wife purse!

Moooooog35 said...

Confessions: I'm guessing maybe it's because you're used to gangsta living.

Honestly, I was expecting trailer trash (which you can see in all it's glory as your airplane travels over wave after wave of trailer home), and was surprised to see that I had actually stumbled upon Fort Apache, The Bronx.

The bullets thing is true. Guy had 15 bullets in his cube that he found in the company parking lot.

When I told him the story of my friend who also went to Jackson and was told to "not leave his hotel," the guy said:

Guy: "Well..where was he when he heard this?"

Me: "I don't know, why?"

Guy: "There's three places like that. (place 1), (place 2) and here (meaning Jackson)."

Me: "Awesome."

As my luck has it...I was in one of three places in Mississippi deemed "not safe to leave your hotel."

Lovely place.

Might pick me up a nice double-wide next time I'm in town.

And a flak jacket.

billymac said...

try going to school at Temple in Philly... now that's get-toe

Anonymous said...

that chick was hot.

glad you made it out alive..

Unknown said...

Wow, that parking lot sounds like a haunted mansion...

"If you spend the night and make it alive to sunrise, you can collect the money....."

Tawnya Shields said...

I am never going to Jackson. Ever. It's bad enough I live close to Memphis!!!

Anonymous said...

LOL..I laughed through the whole damn post. Them criminals are gonna have bruised knees they try to f*ck with you! Or clean ones, depending on which end of the toilet brush you use.

Good luck bro!

Josh said...

Wow, glad you made it out safe. Did you leave the canoes? And did you explain to the sheriff that nothing happened?

You forgot one thing you had in your favor. All thugs and gangstaz are scared of a buff midget. You just need a trademark, like a green dealer visor. They'll make you their mascot.

You are buff right?

Lady Leather said...

ha ha! wow, it sounds waaay dodge!

Wish you could spend a few hours in one of the townships here in South Africa. I say hours, because thats probably as long as you'll survive. They will kill you for R10, which is like the equivalent of a dollar. To buy tuk. At least you still have bars on your window as some kind deterent.

Hang in there, almost done...

prin said...

So... Montreal's scary, Mississippi is scary... Are baby rabbits scary?


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