Mississippi - Day 1 (a.k.a., "HELP ME!") | Mental Poo

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mississippi - Day 1 (a.k.a., "HELP ME!")

If I was filming myself right now, telling the story of my Mississippi trip thus far...

...it would have to be filmed "Blair Witch Project" style...

Me..alone...

...cowering in the corner OF THIS F*CKING MOTEL...

(yeah...thank you travel agent...Motel...not hotel...motel...like I'm living in the f*cking 70's sellling crack out the back of my pickup)

...with (no word of a lie) bars on the windows.


Great.

A bug just landed on me.

I'd say "kill me," but I fear someone will take it literally.


Things I've learned thus far:

1) No matter where I go, or what airline I fly MY FLIGHT WILL BE CANCELED OR DELAYED

Today's reason: wind.

Wind.


Planes stopped flying...

...because of wind.

Um...

Excuse me...I'm not pilot or anything...but..

...when the plane is traveling 300 miles per hour at 34,000 feet in the air...

DOESN'T THAT QUALIFY AS WINDY?!?!?

WTF?!



2) People who wear sunglasses indoors, and aren't blind, should be f*cking shot


Dude.

You're in an airport.

You're a douchebag and look like a complete asshole.

It's NOT sunny indoors here.



Plus...this thing you're standing on...

...you know...WE'RE standing on...because, luck of all luck, you're in front of me...

...this, this...

...oh, let's call it a "moving walkway" in between terminals...???

You know this thing?

Do ya?

IT'S NOT A F*CKING RIDE.

WALK YOU STUPID, STUPID F*CKSHIT BEFORE I JAM THOSE F*CKING GLASSES UP YOUR ASS.


It's supposed to make us go FASTER.

Riding on this thing isn't part of your admission.


3) Apparently, if you don't have 6 cars in your backyard, and one of them isn't a rusted pickup truck from the 1960's, you're not allowed to own property in Mississippi

This place makes Eugene, Oregon look like f*cking Paris.


4) I'm suing my travel agent

"Four Star Comfort Inn"
my ass.

The only thing that's four stars around here is the wanted level most of the characters hanging out in the f*cking parking.

I'll be lucky to get out of here alive.

Plus, there's no pay-per-view porn.


Yep...death and no porn...

Double-whammy.

I'm off to do some work.

Later guys.

And hey..you...

..take off your goddamn sunglasses.

22 comments:

Lakota said...

LMAO!!!!
poor Moogi.
Better you than me.
i mean that most sincerely.

Lakota said...

FYI Moogi dear, i'm getting an "out of office" email notice from your account with your personal info when i post a comment. Ya might wanna turn that off unless you don't mind leaving breadcrumb trail to where you work. I'd email your office with this now that i have that info (heh) but you're not there. You're in... Mississippi HELL. oh wait, you knew that.

Greeneyezz said...

The sunglass thing?? OMG!! I'm with you on that...Take them the Fuck OFF! That stufff kills me 'cause people like that somehow *really* think they are All That. Well, he can keep the bag of chips, the only thing missing from that pic is his collar turned up!

Good Post Moooog.

:)

~ZZ

happy snapper said...

Oh my word! Dude, you're hilarious!

I hope your travelling experience goes up at least a notch or too, and you make it home alive.
Regarding the idiots standing on the moving platform...I find punching them in the back of the head usually works. Or the passive aggressive way is to just breath on the back of their necks. Guarenteed to freak them the hell out into walking :)

C.Rag said...

I'm sorry I can't read this post with my sunglasses on.

catscratch diva said...

At least it's not Arkansas, Darling.

moooooog35 said...

Lakota: Thanks. Not about the "glad it's you, not me thing" (that was just plain bitchy), but about the out of office thing. No worries...it will all be moot. Plus, I'm using this method so the FBI will be able to find my corpse (for reference, I'm guessing it will be in the parking lot of the IHOP next door).

Green: I'm with you. Let's go poke C.Rag's eyes out.

Happy: Point taken. I'll use it on my flight back...you know...if they let me keep my limbs here.

C.Rag: See Green comment above...if you can...I know you're wearing shades.

Catscratch: Funny, actually. I ran into my stepbrother on the way down here - we took the same plane. His final destination: Arkansas. On the bright side, he can probably score some fine Chelsea Clinton tail while he's there.

mmmmm....cankles are hereditary.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You might want to go take another gander at the hotel/motel sign and make sure it doesn't say BATES anywhere.

Just a thought...

rs27 said...

I love when a whole family blocks the moving walkway.

By love I mean want to hit them over the head with a coconut.

Mike said...

Mooooooog

There are reasons why the North won ;)

HeyJoe said...

jootk o8f8iht oq4t3 8h [w8008.

Sorry, had my fucking sunglasses on.

Moog - Living large in 'ssippi. Stay low and keep moving.

Hungry Mother said...

Dude, I wear my sunglasses in the airport to sneak peeks at hot girls' crotches in the waiting area. Please give me a dispensation. Thanking you in advance.

Greeneyezz said...

"There are reasons why the North won ;)

Mike - Great Comment! *Typed as I wiped off my monitor*

;)

~ZZ

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

Dear Moog! I'm glad you have arrived, LMAO... Sorry the experience...hmmm is barbaric in our little ole State.... if you do venture out past the walls of the grim scraggly living conditions you are staying in....take two steps back, three steps sideways,one step forward, close your eyes, click your slippers together and repeat after me "their no place like home" "their NO PLACE" LOL

By the way have a little ole warning for ya... don't say I know why the North won to any native, and please please please, don't go to any place they call Lookin-back Mississippi, because you want be lookin-back!!

Baba Doodlius said...

There are motels without porn? What's the point of a motel if it doesn't have porn, fer cryin' out loud?

moooooog35 said...

Baba: Preaching to the choir my friend...preaching to the choir.

AnnaBean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chickie said...

Hey, it sounds like you're having a great time!

Sassy said...

Hehehe.. about the people wearing sunglasses indoor.. I think they were on drugs. Not sure if everyone do, though.

Malach the Merciless said...

Check for alligators in the bed

Prin said...

lol!! This is me travelling to a T. :D Only take out the mississippi part. For me, the planes don't fly because a) the pilot is missing, b) the door won't close, c) the crapper wasn't emptied and the plane reeks. True story. All on the same trip.

We should fly together. You know, two wrongs make a right?

Amy said...

Never been to Mississippi myself, but if you hear banjos playing and a pig squealing, STAY AWAY.

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