Here comes Fatty McFatty on the outside!!
No, no...I'm not talking about what I yelled out during my one "hefty girl" sex adventure...
...which..when you're 5'2" tall and weigh 130 pounds...requires deft balance and maneuvering...
...like you're on a teeter-totter with a happier ending.
It also felt like sticking a pin in a pumpkin...but I think that's mostly my fault.
We had a three day weekend recently.
This can have two different meanings for people:
People without kids:
"Let's sleep in late...maybe have some friends over for a cookout and drinks...or maybe we can take a long ride or go away for a romantic getaway..."
People with kids:
"Great. I have to wait an extra day to get out of this f*cking house."
Having kids is fun.
Faced with a long weekend and no money, the wife and I decided to take my kids on the most prudent of adventures:
We took them to the horse races.
Happy Memorial Day, kids!
What better way to honor our soldiers, than to introduce our children to betting their savings away on the ponies?
Yeah. I can't think of one, either.
We figured the kids would at least enjoy seeing the horses run...
...then break a leg and have to be killed in front of their very own eyes.
Me: "...and that, kids, is where dog food comes from."
That's a lasting childhood memory right there, my friends.
Good times...good times...
We have a racing track in my town which only features "Harness Racing."
If you're not familiar with harness racing, think of this:
Its like having a rickshaw ride in India.
Except instead of being pulled by a guy reeking of curry, the cart is pulled by a horse.
Also, the horse track smells better than India and has less dirt.
Come to think of it, the horses actually smell better than most of the people in India as well.
(if you're Indian (shout out here to rs27) and reading this, you're excluded from this statement as once you leave India you're apparently allowed the luxury of bathing...and food that doesn't make you smell like ass)
I'd never seen harness racing before.
As such, I had NO idea that the people in the carts didn't need to adhere to the same criteria as regular jockeys do.
Are you small, petite, and lightweight?
Got back fat?
Then you can be a Harness Racer Jockey!
Seriously, there were a number of heifers riding in those things.
In one race, I believe the jockey was Rosie O'Donnell.
Some of the horses actually couldn't get up to speed because their jockeys had their own field of gravity and were pulling them backwards.
But I digress...
We let the kids pick the horses based on the following criteria:
1) The jockey couldn't be heavier than the horse
2) The horses name be somehow superhero related, or...
3) The horses name is agreed upon by both kids
Since two siblings can't even agree to what day it is, we primarily used #1 and #2 to pick the pony.
Using this formula, we won our first four races.
This resulted in a windfall of (drumroll please)...
Did I mention we really had no money?
As such, all our bets were, like, two bucks a pop.
If the wife and I ever head to Vegas, look for us - we'll be the ones looking for the ten cent poker tables...
...with our kids, of course.
Extra collateral, you know.