Betting on Glue | Mental Poo

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Betting on Glue

Here comes Fatty McFatty on the outside!!

No, no...I'm not talking about what I yelled out during my one "hefty girl" sex adventure...

...which..when you're 5'2" tall and weigh 130 pounds...requires deft balance and maneuvering... you're on a teeter-totter with a happier ending.

It also felt like sticking a pin in a pumpkin...but I think that's mostly my fault.


We had a three day weekend recently.

This can have two different meanings for people:

People without kids:

"Let's sleep in late...maybe have some friends over for a cookout and drinks...or maybe we can take a long ride or go away for a romantic getaway..."

People with kids:

"Great. I have to wait an extra day to get out of this f*cking house."

Having kids is fun.


Faced with a long weekend and no money, the wife and I decided to take my kids on the most prudent of adventures:

We took them to the horse races.



Happy Memorial Day, kids!

What better way to honor our soldiers, than to introduce our children to betting their savings away on the ponies?

Yeah. I can't think of one, either.


We figured the kids would at least enjoy seeing the horses run...

...then break a leg and have to be killed in front of their very own eyes.

Me: "...and that, kids, is where dog food comes from."

That's a lasting childhood memory right there, my friends.

Good times...good times...


We have a racing track in my town which only features "Harness Racing."

If you're not familiar with harness racing, think of this:

Its like having a rickshaw ride in India.

Except instead of being pulled by a guy reeking of curry, the cart is pulled by a horse.

Also, the horse track smells better than India and has less dirt.

Come to think of it, the horses actually smell better than most of the people in India as well.

(if you're Indian (shout out here to rs27) and reading this, you're excluded from this statement as once you leave India you're apparently allowed the luxury of bathing...and food that doesn't make you smell like ass)

I'd never seen harness racing before.

As such, I had NO idea that the people in the carts didn't need to adhere to the same criteria as regular jockeys do.

Are you small, petite, and lightweight?


Got back fat?

Then you can be a Harness Racer Jockey!

Seriously, there were a number of heifers riding in those things.

In one race, I believe the jockey was Rosie O'Donnell.

Some of the horses actually couldn't get up to speed because their jockeys had their own field of gravity and were pulling them backwards.

But I digress...

We let the kids pick the horses based on the following criteria:

1) The jockey couldn't be heavier than the horse

2) The horses name be somehow superhero related, or...

3) The horses name is agreed upon by both kids

Since two siblings can't even agree to what day it is, we primarily used #1 and #2 to pick the pony.

Using this formula, we won our first four races.

This resulted in a windfall of (drumroll please)...


Did I mention we really had no money?

As such, all our bets were, like, two bucks a pop.

If the wife and I ever head to Vegas, look for us - we'll be the ones looking for the ten cent poker tables...

...with our kids, of course.

Extra collateral, you know.


FreeOscar said...

I take my little cousins to strip clubs. I want them to learn how to make money while they are in college.

AngryMan said...

You have two little Asian kids?

Moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: Can I be your cousin?

Mr.Galle: PREASE tell me that "brog" was a joke here. PREASE.

Otherwise, that is the best unintentionally funny comment ever.

Angryman: No...They squint when they get angry.

Rahul said...

Rickshaws are fun. Excpet my parents told me when I was there to not yell "mush mush" at them.

Chickie said...

This seals it. I must sneak the boys into the casino with me. Who knew kids were so intuitive?

Dirty Laundry Diva said...

Ha! Lovely post, I digg your way of thinking. A day of betting on the horses is good ole family fun, and no horses died huh?

Malach the Merciless said...

Harness racing is nuts, have you ever seen a accident in harness racing, look it up on YouTube.

Buzzardbilly said...

I'll bet if you started teaching those kids how to count cards now, you two could retire from the 10-cent poker tables in short order.

How are they at craps?

Practically Joe said...

Took the kids to see dog racing once ... They told me over and over again ... "Daddy, you should have bet on the bunny rabbit!"

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