Dear Moog: The Crappy Stigma of EPOOBS | Mental Poo

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Dear Moog: The Crappy Stigma of EPOOBS

NOTE:
Due to popular demand, "Dear Moog" will run TWICE this week.

Sucks to be you.
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It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where you can tell I'm not "Dear Abby" in a couple of ways:

1) My advice is fairly useless
2) I'm not dead

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Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
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Today's entry comes from the Blonde Goddess.

Dear Moog,

Why do men have to poop on their own toilets?

I know some men can poop anywhere, but the majority will hold it until they get home..flying in the door like their dick hair is on fire...hitting the can like a sh*t grenade...

I've always wondered but never felt like I could ask and get an answer...until I met you.

Please enlighten the Blonde Goddess...thanks!



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Dear Blonde,

Who the F*CK are you talking about?!?

I don’t know a single guy anywhere who MUST poop on his own toilet at his own house.

Not one.

Personally, I could poop in my coffee cup while sitting in the middle of my cubicle if I knew that I could clean it out and get more coffee.


But hold my loaf for 8 hours until I got home? Christ...where's the fun in that?!

At work, it's like being paid to crap!! Doing two of my favorite things in one fun-filled hour!


Anyway...

If you know a guy who HAS to poop at home, he’s hiding one of two things:

1) He has a vagina

2) He wears a colostomy bag

In a twisted combination of the two, he may also be pooing out his vagina.


If you know FOR SURE that neither of the above is true, then there’s a third…more hideous…explanation:

3) They have Erotic Poo-Boner Syndrome

Erotic Poo-Boner Syndrome (known in most medical circles as EPOOBS) affects 1 in 120,000 men.

I made this number up.

The actual odds of having EPOOBS are higher in third world countries...or any place that has high odds of taking a photo of a child with flies on his face (seriously...camera-guy...give the kid a f*cking sandwich).

Interestingly, there are no cases of EPOOBS in Iran...according to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

I heard this from a gay Iranian.


Also…

Please do not confuse Erotic Poo-Boner Syndrome (EPOOBS) with Erotic Pee-Boner Syndrome (EPEEBS), which affects 1 in 1 men…and, pretty much on a daily basis.

EPEEBS happens when a guy really has to piss at 4 in the morning...

...but can’t because he now has a giant stiffy directly resulting from the 17 Red Bull and Vodkas he had the night before.


You know…you’d think urine just stays in the kidneys…

...but with EPEEBS it apparently migrates to the penis and fills it up like a giant water balloon.

Me: "Kids!! Stop playing with it!! It's not a toy!!"

Sorry...sorry...

With EPEEBS, the man then has to – um – “get rid of” his pee-boner, or else risk the chance of peeing on his own face, chest or – in some cases – the bathroom wall and ceiling.

In some extreme cases, the man doesn’t even have time to dress his hands up in fashionable Barbie outfits...or put a face drawn with lipstick on his hand to help out.

Yes…it’s THAT serious.


Anyway…

A man affected with EPOOBS cannot, typically, poo in a public restroom.

This is because the idea of dropping dookie actually gets the guy SO HOT AND BOTHERED, that he ends up jerking his gherkin while he’s simultaneously squashing out his Yule Log.

In a public restroom, this would result in a severe beating once the guy got out of the stall.

In some extreme cases of EPOOBS, this can lead to death (typically at the hands of drunk homophobes armed with gobs of soaked toilet paper), dismemberment, or a blowjob by Senator Larry Craig or Wham!'s frontman, George Michael.


There you go go.

You can find more information on EPOOBS and EPEEBS on WebMd.

If you don’t find it there…just add it to Wikipedia.

Make sure you give me credit.

Thanks in advance.


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There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

16 comments:

AngryMan said...

Why is is that you constantly find a way to talk about shit or pee in your posts? Do you have a disorder/obsession of some sort?

The Doggy Did It said...

In Mooog's defense, the word POO does appear in the title of this blog. You knew what you were getting yourself into.

moooooog35 said...

Angry: Dude...SHE asked ME. I had no recourse but to answer this.

When you decide to man-up and finally ask me about how to best fellate a dog, then the topic will change to that.

I have no expertise on that subject, but shall do my best.

Doggy: Thanks, lady! Always nice to know that a chick has my back. Now...if you can give Angry some advice on the dog thing, I'd appreciate it.

Blonde Goddess said...

I don't know Moog...After you mentioned being able to shit in the middle of your cubicle, it got me thinking...
My cousins (the Beericksons) have never had a problem taking a shit anywhere....

EPOOBS must only affect southern men...

catscratch diva said...

For the love of God... Don't pick on George Michael.

He was so hot back in the day.

billymac said...

wow, very informative... you should have a telethon for curing epoobs and epeebs... or maybe just to raise some beer funds.

HeyJoe said...

Informative and entertaining; a fine blog post young Moog.

Agree with billymac - I think an EPOOB telethon would be what Jesus would do, or that gimp loving Jerry Lewis. I always get those two confused.

Douchegirl said...

Wait. My brother does that ALL the time. He says he can't poo at school cause it's uncomfortable so every day, right when he gets home he runs like the wind to the toilet and does his business. Every. Single. Day.

rs27 said...

This blog is called Mental Poo.

EPOOBS must be taken care of. Fight the infection!

Raspootin said...

"Toilet" humor makes me laugh every time.

Probably why I'm an Austin Power fan?

Wham: hilarious, made me laugh- my co workers did not get it (too young to remember Michael George?

My friends don’t like to go to serious public events with me due to the inappropriateness of the subjects that strike me as funny.

Baba Doodlius said...

Your EPEEBS cartoon shoulda showed the "Superman" position - effective and entertaining at the same time!

The Offended Blogger said...

I know a guy who won't use public toilets OR the one at his house.

He is 3.

Yes, he does smell funny.

Malach the Merciless said...

Let me explain, I hate to poop in public toilets unless I have too, work is fine, I have a favorite toilet for that.

OHmommy said...

Flashing you gang signs. You rock. Again.

And George Micheal is IS is IS HAWT.

And your word ineditification while consuming two glassses of wine is so cruel... so cruel....

vhphdfdw

PracticallyJoe said...

I have experienced ESNEEBS (Erotic Sneeze-Boner Syndrome) ... it's when you have to sneeze while peeing with a stiffy so you have to force yourself to stop mid-stream to sneeze and after the sneeze the stream restarts immediately and never hits the target. Very messy and it hurts.

Miss J said...

"You know…you’d think urine just stays in the kidneys…

...but with EPEEBS it apparently migrates to the penis and fills it up like a giant water balloon."

That reminds me of the time a friend's mother (a nurse at an emergency clinic) came home from work one day, giggling about some poor kid who broke his dick.

He was seventeen, and woke up with both a full bladder, and a hard-on that was pointed straight at his chin. Instead of whacking off or pissing in the shower, he got impatient and shoved his dick down to point it at the toilet...and broke it. (His dick, not the toilet.) It didn't snap OFF, or anything, but he busted a bunch of blood vessels and his poor wiener swelled up like a purple cantaloupe... and he STILL couldn't pee.

Then he had to get his mother to take him to the doctor, which was no doubt loads of fun to explain. And then the nurses giggled.

I am SO glad I'm not a boy.

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