Dear Moog: Is That a Hulk in Your Pants? | Mental Poo

Friday, June 13, 2008

Dear Moog: Is That a Hulk in Your Pants?

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where the answers to your questions come almost as quickly as I do.


Look out, ladies!!

Yeah. I'm hot.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Today's letter comes from Malach the Merciless:

This question has been bothering me for a long time, and no seems to know the answer.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets all angry and Hulks up, his clothes
are ripped to shreds . . . all except his pants. Why?

Malach the Merciless


Dear Malach,

Easiest. Question. Ever.

Also – VERY timely, since I plan on bringing my son to see The Incredible Hulk this weekend.

Hopefully he can find a ride home afterwards...

...because I have some sh*t I need to do.


He’s four and pretty cute.

He should be able to score something.


If you’d done ANY f*cking research before you asked this question, you’d know that Dr. DAVID Bruce Banner...

(not just “Bruce Banner” – he had a THIRD name...not unlike most serial killers)

...was a scientist.

Using my vast knowledge of the Universe, quantum physics and a memorization of Scarlett Johansson’s measurements…

…I have come up with your answer.

In one minute, I’ll tell it to you.

You see, the Scarlett thing got me going and now I have to go rub one off.

(3 seconds later)

Ok. Where were we?

Ah, yes.

David Bruce Banner was a scientist.

According to Wikipedia:

The word science is derived from the Latin word scientia for knowledge, the nominal form of the verb scire, "to know"

Thanks, Wikipedia.

That is such bullsh*t.

According to my own sources...

(a homeless drunk guy I stole two quarters from yesterday)

...the word “scientist” is actually derived from the word “Scientology.”

Wikipedia should really start checking their sh*t out.

These are the same assholes who denied my definition of “Mooge.”

I’m not bitter.


Once you realize that Dr. David Bruce Banner was, indeed, a Scientologist, the answer becomes quite clear:

The Church of Scientology provided him with the technology for super-expanding pants!!

(queue ominous music…and maybe some thunder and lightning or some other scary sh*t for effect)

Need further proof?

You need look no further than OTHER members of the Church of Scientology to know that this is true:

That’s right, folks...

Kirstie Alley, a SCIENTOLOGIST, has been using the very same expando-pant technology for YEARS.

But no one questions HER when her pants don’t split off.

It’s also a rumor that Oprah Winfrey is a closet to go from skinny to heifer while wearing the same outfits.

But, as we know, this column here is for facts.

I won’t partake in speculation.

Hope that answers your question, Malach.

Thanks for asking it.

I have to head out.

My son is out back trimming some small saplings with my chain saw. I should probably go see if it needs more gas.

Moog out.


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


AngryMan said...

Why is it that I get the feeling you've spoooged some moooge to Kirstie Alley?

Mike said...

Mooog likes christie alley because she'll swallow.

She'll swallow ANYTHING.

Malicious Intent said...

Wow, you are so incredibaly intelligent, insightful, observant and you don't miss the obvious do you? Oh, help me out by breakingin Across the Universe. She and her silly sister Stargirl have the impression they can "get me" with humuliation of some sort. I told them I have no pride or shame and don't care, so good luck. So if ya wouldn't mind...they need some moooooog love. Links with blog up on my site.

Make sure your son has on his safety googles if he is going to play with the chainsaw.

Anonymous said...

I think Scarlett holds the keys to the universe. Doesn't she?

HeyJoe said...

I wish Scarlett would hold something else.

mauniejames3 said...

He (your son) is so beautiful...must be the image of his you borrow each others clothes? I wish I could get some expanding clothes...for after thanksgiving..or any HUGE would be great...but I digress...another great question and answer from our good friend mooog....thanks oh smart one

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, that explains everything, you see, I always new why the Human Torch's clothes stayed on. . . sorry about the David Bruce Banner thing, they only called him David in the TV show.

This should get you some interesting web hits.

Rahul said...

Ooooh, the commenters are going with the wearing your son's clothing angle.

the game has begun.

Blonde Goddess said...

Aww...and I always thought that the formula that David Banner took was a failed Viagra drug that made everything EXCEPT his pants grow bigger...

Damn...I hate being wrong...

FreeOscar said...

So are condoms made from the same material?

billymac said...

i think it's really because nobody wants to see a huge green cock and balls waving angrily at them... just my $0.02....

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I wanna put green pan makeup on Edward Norton's wrinkly bits...

However, I don't wanna do the same with Bill Bixby. That's just not right.

Raspootin said...

Thanks for clearing that up for me. It has been a matter of great consternation for many years.

Unknown said...

Scarlett could get his pants off. And mine. Or anyone's. She's a walking, talking box of wine.

Tawnya Shields said...

You have such an interesting twisted view on life. Very refreshing. Your post always make me contemplate about life. Got those shit kickers on to wade in the shit I just slung you? No really I love coming here to get a good laugh. Keep up the great work. Muhwahahahahahahaha. :o)~

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