It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...
Where the answers to your questions come almost as quickly as I do.
Look out, ladies!!
Yeah. I'm hot.
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.
You've been warned.
Today's letter comes from Malach the Merciless:
This question has been bothering me for a long time, and no seems to know the answer.
When Dr. Bruce Banner gets all angry and Hulks up, his clothes are ripped to shreds . . . all except his pants. Why?
Malach the Merciless
Easiest. Question. Ever.
Also – VERY timely, since I plan on bringing my son to see “The Incredible Hulk” this weekend.
Hopefully he can find a ride home afterwards...
...because I have some sh*t I need to do.
He’s four and pretty cute.
He should be able to score something.
If you’d done ANY f*cking research before you asked this question, you’d know that Dr. DAVID Bruce Banner...
(not just “Bruce Banner” – he had a THIRD name...not unlike most serial killers)
...was a scientist.
Using my vast knowledge of the Universe, quantum physics and a memorization of Scarlett Johansson’s measurements…
…I have come up with your answer.
In one minute, I’ll tell it to you.
You see, the Scarlett thing got me going and now I have to go rub one off.
(3 seconds later)
Ok. Where were we?
David Bruce Banner was a scientist.
According to Wikipedia:
The word science is derived from the Latin word scientia for knowledge, the nominal form of the verb scire, "to know"
That is such bullsh*t.
According to my own sources...
(a homeless drunk guy I stole two quarters from yesterday)
...the word “scientist” is actually derived from the word “Scientology.”
Wikipedia should really start checking their sh*t out.
These are the same assholes who denied my definition of “Mooge.”
I’m not bitter.
Once you realize that Dr. David Bruce Banner was, indeed, a Scientologist, the answer becomes quite clear:
The Church of Scientology provided him with the technology for super-expanding pants!!
(queue ominous music…and maybe some thunder and lightning or some other scary sh*t for effect)
Need further proof?
You need look no further than OTHER members of the Church of Scientology to know that this is true:
That’s right, folks...
Kirstie Alley, a SCIENTOLOGIST, has been using the very same expando-pant technology for YEARS.
But no one questions HER when her pants don’t split off.
It’s also a rumor that Oprah Winfrey is a closet Scientologist...able to go from skinny to heifer while wearing the same outfits.
But, as we know, this column here is for facts.
I won’t partake in speculation.
Hope that answers your question, Malach.
Thanks for asking it.
I have to head out.
My son is out back trimming some small saplings with my chain saw. I should probably go see if it needs more gas.
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!
I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.
Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?
You've come to the right place.
Drop me a line.
And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Labels: Dear Moog