Dear Moog: Rocky Mountain High | Mental Poo

Monday, June 30, 2008

Dear Moog: Rocky Mountain High


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where you ask the questions...

...and I crack corn and just don't care.

Just. Like. Jimmy.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
***********************


Our letter today comes from Zac. Zac writes:

Dear Moog,

I'll take you up on your challenge....of sorts. I'm a regular reader and have never commented or emailed. I don't think...

Anyway. I'm moving from super hot Las Vegas to Denver CO in a little over a week. The goal is to start over and build some sort of life for myself. Any advice for a nearly 30 y/o college drop out with no marketable skills?

From your very own ill minded Myndtrip........

Zac
**********************



Dear Zac,

Wow.

LOOKOUT, LADIES!!

Woman #1: "30 years old?"

Woman #2: "No job?"

Woman #3: "College dropout with absolutely NO marketable skills?"

All together: "SOMEBODY PINCH ME!! I think I've found THE ONE!"


Good luck with that shit.


I only have a few suggestions for you:

1) Pack underwear

Colorado is typically a lot colder than Las Vegas (News Flash!)

In Vegas, I'm sure you had issues where your balls stuck to your legs on warm nights.

If they stuck to your legs on regular nights, that means that you simply need to bathe more often.

In Colorado, your balls may actually freeze there.

Blue balls has an ENTIRELY different meaning in Denver.


2) Bring your own smack

I don't think the heroin market is as good in Denver as it is in Las Vegas.

I may be wrong, but I think that in Colorado you can basically get high by opening your front door which is, typically, at an elevation of 756,000 feet above sea level.


Remember, even Iron Man's suit FROZE at this altitude.

So unless you're Tony Stark...

...pack your own shit and chase the dragon behind closed doors.


3) Don't ever be too proud to blow a guy for money

River Phoenix did it.

Keanu Reeves did it.

Granted, they both did it in a movie that probably grossed millions, but whatever.

Somewhere, some out of work actor is stocking shelves in Walmart saying:

"You know...I got fake-blown by River Phoenix when he was alive."

Someday, Zac...that guy could be YOU!




With no marketable skills and no real shot at a broad that's not homeless, this actually may be as good as it gets for you.

Take it and run with it.

Just remember to grab your underwear and smack as you walk out the door.

*****************

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

23 comments:

AngryMan said...

Didn't you write the screenplay for My Own Private Idaho?

The Doggy Did It said...

wow, so many mental pictures, so little brain bleach.

Mike said...

You forgot to remind him about the lack of hookers in Denver. In Las Vegas 4 out of every 3 women are hookers.

I think it is just the opposite in Denver.

billymac said...

this may be zac's last time commenting or emailing...

C.Rag said...

I would also bring lots of lube.

Jen said...

I can't stop laughing...that was a great episode of "Dear Moog". Love the gross, undernourished guy with his cats. Gross, smelly guy!

catscratch diva said...

Ewwwww.

Meghan said...

So is the cat guy single? Just sayin.

moooooog35 said...

Angry: Yes. I based it on your life story, as told to me by midget hobos.

Doggie: Brain bleach = awesome. I'm officially stealing it.

Mike: That, plus you have the Broncos. Blue and ORANGE. ORANGE?!

Billymac: I see he hasn't commented yet. I wonder if he's buying shotgun shells this very moment.

C.Rag: That's a given for you, though..right?

Jen: Thanks. Self-portrait.

Catscratch: Very insightful. Thanks for playing!

Meghan: My first guess: yes.

Malach the Merciless said...

Great advice, I will use this on my clients who plan on moving, Zac descibes most of them

Zachary said...

Well now I have to comment so rumors of my suicide don't circulate. Thanks for the advise, but duh....of course I was gonna bring my own smack.

rs27 said...

Hello how a bout a little spoiler alert on the whole Ironman and My Own Private Idaho plot facts.

Leo Dicaprio blew a guy for money too. I don't know whaty that means.

moooooog35 said...

Malach: You're welcome. Remember my disclaimer.

Zachary: Good luck, my friend. Keep the balls toasty.

rs27: It's not a spoiler if you've seen the movie already. And you HAVE seen Iron Man, right? RIGHT?!? Also..I'm not surprised about Leo. Also, Kate Winslet has nice boobs in Titanic. Also, not sure what that means, either.

Jezebel said...

Wait...there are hookers in Vegas?!

Who woulda' thunk it?! ;)

PracticallyJoe said...

Zac should bring winter boots (not puss'n boots) ... it snows there from September to June.

AngryMan said...

Then why does IMDB.com say that the movie is the screenwriter's autobiography?

Narm said...

I'm not sure if you are familiar with the term "bat wings" but it is a much more hilarious way to describe your balls sticking to your legs.

Jen said...

Um, where is Tuesday's post, moog!!?

moooooog35 said...

Jen: Sorry...no post today. I'm whittling myself down to 3 or 4 posts a week when I can. My brain is too small...it empties too fast.

However, there's always the "Movie Review" site...I have a post up there from yesterday, and there will be a review of "Wall-E" there tomorrow.

This being a holiday week in the U.S., I think everyone's laying a bit low. As am I. Although, at 5'2" tall...low is pretty much my thing.

The Offended Blogger said...

Ugh! Did you have to dishonor Idaho for this one? :p

MsPuddin said...

now why would anyone move from Vegas to Colorado? honestly. so where do we send these letters? i think im an alcoholic...

Hye Munar said...

Hahaha... another funny post coming from you. Thanks for sharing ;0

See you around.

Prin said...

Sure, he's not every girl's dream guy, but he's still the one we all end up with.

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