Happy Birthday, Mini-Me | Mental Poo

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Happy Birthday, Mini-Me

5 years ago today, Cameron burst onto the scene.


Yep...my little man turns 5 today.

On July 2, 2003, I woke up at about 2 in the morning.

My wife wasn't in bed.

I knew this because I wasn't being beaten about the head or neck because of my snoring.


Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba wasn't there either...

...but this is about my son, so let's not bring my normal thought processes into this.



I went downstairs and there, in the family room, was my wife sitting on my chair.

Me: "What's up?"

Wife: "I'm having contractions."

Me: "Want to go to the hospital?"

Wife: "No..no...I called the hospital and they said I should wait until they're 8 minutes apart."

Me: "Okay."

I then did what ANY concerned husband would do who's wife was beginning her labor:

I went back to bed.

Needless to say, I did not win "Husband of the Year" in 2003.

When the alarm finally went off at 5:30, I rolled over.

No wife.

(Again, no Scarlett or Jessica, either. So far, this morning is just totally sucking ass.)

I went downstairs and my wife was still sitting there on my chair.

Me: "Morning. Did you make coffee?"

(I believe this also negated me from 'Husband of the Year' running for the next two years as well)

Wife: "Call my mom. Let's go."

My daughter was just about 3 at the time and - since we couldn't really trust her home alone yet (we waited until she was 4 for that responsibility) - we called my Mother-in-Law to watch her.

Then...we headed to the hospital.

In the "prep" room, the nurse came in.

Nurse: "How are you doing?"


Me: "I'm great. Is there any coffee anywhere?"

The nurse then lifted up my wife's johnny to take a look.

Nurse: "HOLY SHIT!"

I'm not kidding. She said, "Holy Shit!"

As a side note, the name of this hospital was "Holy Family Catholic Medical Center."

Just thought that was worth mentioning.

Apparently, my wife was pretty much giving birth at that very moment.

Wife: "It hurts. It hurts. Can I have an epidural, now? PLEASE?!"

When my daughter was born almost three years earlier, my wife had an epidural.

As such, she really doesn't remember the child birth...

...as she was as lucid as Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan on a field trip to the liquor store.

Nurse: "Sorry, honey. It's too late for an epidural."

Strike one.

My wife started sobbing uncontrollably.

(As would Britney and Lindsay had they arrived and the liquor store been closed)

Nurse: "I'll call your doctor right now. We have to move you NOW."

Me: "The coffee, too? Cream and two sugars. Thanks, hon."

I'm starting to get a caffeine headache.

It hurts a little...I hope she hurries.

Once we were moved into the delivery room...God handed us strike two.

Nurse: "Honey...I'm sorry. Your doctor is on his way to Connecticut to a funeral. He can't be here."

My wife, at this point, begins losing it.

No doctor. No epidural.

And this f*cking headache isn't getting any better, people!! Seriously...just some F*CKING FOLGER'S CRYSTALS WOULD BE NICE!!

This is when Doctor Shawarma (or Doctor Curry, I can never get the Indian doctor names straight) enters the room.

As he donned his catcher's mitt and stared and prodded my wife's cha-cha to get the little bugger out, he kept yelling:

"Ready? Push!! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!"

My wife, in obvious drug-free pain...just looked at me.

Dr. Bangalore just kept-a-goin':


I felt like I was at some weird combination of a Computer Technical Support office in India and a Bangladesh soccer match.

Minutes later, Cam was born.


Nine pounds.

No drugs for my wife.

A strange doctor delivered him.

And me still with NO F*CKING COFFEE. REALLY?!?!


Welcome to the world, little buddy.

And thanks for making it.

I'm proud to be your dad.

Happy Birthday, Cam.


Greeneyezz said...

Awww, and I bet Cam is proud to have you as his father too.
Happy Birthday Cam!


FreeOscar said...

More importantly, did you ever get your coffee?

Narm said...

Happy Birthday Cam

This was one of the best posts I have read in a long, long time.

And your wife is a Saint.

Unknown said...

Awww, what a touching story! Happy Birthday to your little man.

My son will be 5 in March, isnt this a great age? He tried to steal my car a couple weeks ago....

Fun fun.

Anonymous said...

How sweet...are you sure you aren't father of the year? just sayen...happy birthday Cam....

Ivonne said...

Aww.. Happy Birthday CAm!

Jen said...

Cute. Happy Birthday Cam!
Is he taller than you yet? heehee Couldn't resist that one, Moog.sempkpy

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I had three different docs with all three of my pregnancies and none of them delivered my babies. The last one was born on Father's Day and my stinking OB, himself a father of five, felt the need to take Father's Day off. That unfeeling bastard.

What does your kid weigh nowadays?

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Moog: Here's your present son.

Son: Thanks Dad!

Opens it to find Folgers Coffee.

Do you think he will understand the sentimental value of that yet???

Happy Birthday

Rahul said...

It would have been great if you named him Juan Valdez.

Your wife would have understood.

Hungry Mother said...

Cute guy and a coffee lover for sure.

Moooooog35 said...

Greeneyezz: I hope so...I know he at least likes me enough to want to play XBox with me...so I've always got that going for me.

C.Rag: Sometime, I'm sure I did. On a side note, hospital coffee sucks.

Narm: My wife IS a saint. You have NO idea the shit she puts up with...or tries to...but she's still here so, yeah.."Saint Mrs. Moog" it is.

Doggy: I find that hobbling them (like in the movie, "Misery") is the most effective way to stop that shit.

Maunie: Not sure if I'm in the running for Father of the Year. Is there a height requirement?

Douche: I'll pass it on. Thanks!

Moog: He's not taller yet. I still think he's got another year before he gets there. What the Hell is "Moog.sempkpy?"

Becky: Three docs, huh? Somewhere, in the basement of the hospital, is a wall of pictures of your hoo-ha. Cam is HUGE for his age...I think he weighs about 110. Or half of that..not sure.

Ron: NOW you think of it. I could have saved money buying him that damn four-wheeler.

rs27: It's bad enough we named my daughter "Dunkin Donuts" - I didn't think we needed another stigmatized child.

Hungry: Thanks!! Note the Neely nod...hence his namesake.

myownhamartia said...

The post was hilarious but I got a bit "awwwwwwww" at the end. You're a great dad. Funny and sweet.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, Cam, from the weirdo in Alaska who reads your Dad's blog.

Someday that will mean something, I promise.

AngryMan said...

Did you ever get that coffee?

Knight said...

When I got to the part where your wife gets support from Bangalore I about fell out of my chair. Best story ever.

Unknown said...

Cam and I share the same birthday. But not year.

Hospital coffee is the assiest coffee ever. Should have stopped at Starbucks on the way.

The Sports Mama said...

Unfortunate choice of hockey team aside... cute kid! Sure he's yours? ;) Happy birthday to Cam! :)

And, just for future reference should you find yourself needing it... my husband's idea of the self-sitter: duct tape them to the toilet, with a cooler full of sandwiches and drinks in front of them.

The Alleged Ringleader said...

And he shares his b-day with Lindsay Lohan, what a great day!

L.P. said...

Not a morning person Moogi? If i hadn't already been determined not to breed, your story woulda sealed it. ~shudder~

Malach the Merciless said...

Mini Me huh? When his porn video come out??

I hate Marion Hosa!

Mike said...

Well Happy Birthday Cam.

Is Matthew Broderick really sleeping with Mr. Ed, or did you just make that up?

Josh said...

I have never heard such a lack of respect! What an inconsiderate jerk! I can not believe that on the day your son was born, that J.O. of a nurse would not get some coffee for the MAN. I am now officially offended. Must have been an HMO.

Now, let me just type in "diqfdjkxlksHGFjhgfkh" to get this stupid comment posted. Seriously?

linda said...

Kind of justifies my c-section.
Either way they come out, it is a big event. I hope his birthday was full of fun.

HeyJoe said...

Women are such whimps. Seriously, a caffine headache is nothing to take lightly.

Telling your son about he nearly fell out of mom's quim in the waiting room wil be a wonderful father/son bonding-over-a-first- beer moment. Sniff.

Malicious Intent said...

So I take it the little guy got his good looks from your wife?

No drugs? No doctor. Dude, you are so lucky your testicles are still attached to your body. Lack of coffee should have been the least of your worries. I hope you remembered to wear your sports cup before leaving for the hospital.

Anonymous said...

Awww. Happy B-day Cam!!

As for you lil daddy, I'd have kicked you in the balls. I'm not very friendly or happy in labor.

beaverboosh said...

Effin LOL dude!

Moooooog35 said...

Man...you back away for a little while and the comments keep-on-a-comin'.

Thanks everyone - the birthday went well...but if he starts acting like his older sister, he may not make it to six.

Rhea said...

Oh, he's a cutie! What a great smile. hehe

Your poor, poor wife. I feel for her...for so many reasons.

prin said...

Aw. Sweet post. Although I really hope your boy never reads it. lol

The Clumsy Chatterbox said...

That's awesome. I can't believe you went back to sleep.

Caffeine headaches are the worst.

I am sure your wife's exploding cha-cha didn't hurt as much as your head. You shouldn't feel badly at all.

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