Swimming in Ass | Mental Poo

Friday, June 27, 2008

Swimming in Ass

Swimming in Ass.

No, no...

I'm not talking about the top four items on Hugh Hefner's "Things I Need to Do Today" list...

(lucky bastard)

I'm talking about my swimming pool.

Pools.

Now, for those of you who come here regularly, you know that I live in New England.

As such, summer in New England lasts approximately a week and a half.

If you take away the rainy days, this gives you about one or two days, tops, in which you can enjoy a swim in the pool.

It's a great f*cking investment.


My wife wanted a pool when we bought the house, SO...

...we got a pool.

As part of this fantastic deal, I get to perform endless hours of labor trying to maintain the f*cking thing for said two days of swimming enjoyment.

Hooray for me!


For those of you in warmer climates (pricks), winter here consists:

1) shitloads of snow and ice

2) women bundled up like sherpas summiting Mt. Everest


3) horrific accidents where cars simply slide off the roads into trees, killing all inside

Seriously, if it wasn't for the uplifting levity of seeing #3, I don't know how I'd survive commuting in the winter.


Luckily for me this winter, mypool cover managed to get a goddamn hole in it.

As such, all things that tend to gather ON a pool cover...

(leaves, pine cones, bugs, dead squirrels, homeless men, etc.)

...simply floated right on THROUGH it and nested in my pool water...

...where it all sat in a sick goopy stagnant stew for six months.

Until I uncovered it last weekend.



As I started yanking the cover off, the remaining sludge that had yet to drop through the cover simply plopped off and into the pool.

Oh. Joy.

Actually, I believe I saw something do a cannonball into the water..but I can't be quite sure of it.

Awesome.

Kids: "Ewwwww!!"

Wife: "Oh...Well...THAT doesn't look good!!"

Me: "What the...what is that....a leprechaun?!"

Nasty. Shit.

If you've ever had a bout of explosive diarrhea that simply WILL NOT END...

...just take an image of what your toilet contents looked like in the aftermath...

...multiply that by 13,000...

...and dump it into my pool.

Absolutely F*cking Beautiful.

It's like one gigantic four-foot high f*cking colostomy bag in my back yard.


I can't wait to go swimming this summer!

I just hope it's warm that day.

That. One. Day.

31 comments:

C.Rag said...

If Rachel Ray is in your pool, run. Sell the house.
In 30 minutes, there will be crap pasta all over your pool.

Mike said...

I feel your pain brother.

I live north of you, so we get one day where it's warm enough to skate on the pool, before having to climb back into our caves to hibernate.

Watch that rachel ray, I hear they bite and turn you into annoying little twits.

GO! Smell the flowers said...

We're with ya Moog - pools are more trouble than they're worth..

Back to Hugh Heff and the ass guys please...

No kissing, no petting no hugging.

GeologyJoe said...

Moog you need to move closer to either the ocean or winnipesaukee.

The Doggy Did It said...

Your wife is lucky, I live on the f*ing SUN (Texas), and my husband will not buy me a pool!

It might have something to do with Pools costing @ 50k down here...But I fail to see the problem with spending 50 grand on a big hole in the yard??

AngryMan said...

I found Rachel Ray in my shower drain today. Weird.

Smileygirl said...

Sounds like too much work to clean up. Just turn it into a giant toilet.

Douchegirl said...

Dear Moog,

Why do you hate Rachel Ray so much?

XOXO
D.

P.S: I live in FL and it's totally the opposite. We get ONE day of winter (50 degrees) a year and then it's back to summer.

Mimzie Beaumont said...

I think I'd rather swim in a pool full of doo-doo than a pool with Rachel Ray. What the hell?

catscratch diva said...

Did you hold Rachel's head underwater with the pool net thingy?

billymac said...

there's a lot of rachel ray hatin goin on today... which is nice.

moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: Crap pasta? Is that in her 3-minute Meal Cookbook?

Mike: Got the solution for you: This year we have a solar cover (4,000 pound piece of bubble-wrap). Not only does it keep the heat in, but dead squirrels as well. Win-win.

Go!: My kids love it. If they didn't, I would have a trampoline there right now.

Geo: I HATE THE BEACH. HATE IT. As far as lakes, if I wanted to swim in stagnant water and step in squishy crap, I'd shit in my own pool.

Doggy: 50k for a pool in Texas? Why don't you sell some of the cow skulls and steer horns you have hanging in your living room?

Angry: Did you pee on her?

Smiley: My kids take care of that when they're in it, thank you.

Douche: Rachel Ray is like nails on a chalkboard...like hair in my salad...like biting on a fork. She drives. Me. Insane.

Mimzie: Either way, you'll need a shower.

Catscratch: She's quick...she's quick.

Billymac: Is there any other kind of Rachel Ray response? Does someone out there actually LOOK FORWARD to listening to her? If so, I WANT THEIR DRUGS.

Jen said...

The New England weather makes me appreciate the snowbelt we call home in NE Ohio. It's 88 degrees today. Oh, but we've got 1000000%humidity about to begin!

How can you hate the beach!? You don't like those little crabs, do you? ;)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You'll never get that fish smell out of the water now that Rachel was in it!

PracticallyJoe said...

Living 20 minutes from Boston I remember those days ... the six swimming days two years ago during the entire month of August. Around that same time daughter #3 got married leaving the wife and I alone again after 30 years and three daughters. First thing on the agenda ... move to a smaller home with no pool!

I dreaded when it was time to take the pool cover off each year. You could never get all the water and crap off the cover before dragging it off the pool. I was always the one that had to get in on the shallow end and push the damn cover while my four ladies stayed dry and pulled. That sucker was heavy and some of the crap always managed to spill in and all over me. (gagging!) Good times!

Gladyslexic said...

the visuals were great, as usual. you actually found a leprechaun in your pool! try to steal the pot of gold, laddie!

could you check if maybe amy winehouse is there too?


Wife: "Oh...Well...THAT doesn't look good!!"


---> that means "that doesn't look good for YOU because we all know YOU will be cleaning it. go on get started then."

rs27 said...

My friend loves Rachel Ray.

Then I punched him in the face.

We don't need guys liking Rachel Ray.

A Martini Always Helps said...

I beg you to incorporate that mug of Rachael Ray somewhere into every post.

moooooog35 said...

Jen: There's nothing good about the beach. Sure, there can be hot chicks..but they're canceled out by fat French-Canadians in banana-hammocks.

PrePo: A little bleach works wonders. Although, this DOES explain why my kids are now blind.

Prac: preaching to the choir my friend...preaching to the choir.

Gladys: I add a little Amy Winehouse every so often to bring the PH level up.

rs27: You are a true American Hero.

Martini: Sorry...sorry...I can only take so much.

Malicious Intent said...

When I grow up I want to be just like Rachel Ray. Rich.

Bitch don't deserve the money she has! The people who pay her don't deserve the money they have.

Mail her your pool sludge. See if she can cook it up with some EVOO!

beaverboosh said...

Dedicated 2 days to being gay in August eh! Well.

Baba Doodlius said...

I have abs like that under my feathers. I have bigger pecs, though.

Mike said...

I live in Michigan, so quit your whining about only getting 2 days to swim. That's at least 5 times what we get.

Although, come to think of it, we do actually have a full week dedicated to being gay. The governor thinks it will help bring in more jobs, so we all do our part...or someone else's part.

Train Under Water said...

First time visitor here and I already found myself laughing at this post. The photos you put up were so silly they rocked!

Your pool? Quite a party you got in there!

Rick C said...

Rachel Ray needs to be under the pool cover and stewed for 30 minutes!

Slick said...

Geeezus Moooog, you just talked me out of getting a pool!

Wait....I live in the south. We have a winter for like 2 days.

Hhmm...a pool sounds like a good investment afterall! ;)

When laying out by the pool, don't forget your jacket bro!

Evil Genius said...

And that, my friend, is why the Evil Genius will never, never ever, own a pool. Or anything even remotely connected to Rachel Ray.

Miss P said...

I live in Sudan. Here the only available water is either moving (and therefore full of all the garbage, shit, dead bodies etc that people dont know what to do with) or standing still (meaning its full of Bilharzia, Typhoid, Guinea worm, you get the picture) and its about 45*C in the shade... wanna swop?

Becky..AMHW said...

I see you plan on going gay. Woot, now you can use that paperweight!

Sew me something fabulous.

Meghan said...

Rachel Ray in the pool= imminent tetanus shots.

Prin said...

My pool was where birds went for a burial at sea. I quit before I started. Now I just watch my neighbor- you- spending two hours a day cleaning that thing so his kids can wade in it for ten minutes on the weekend.

Good times, no?

Hot body, btw. Hoooot.

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