Dear Moog: Stump F*cking and Hand Waxing | Mental Poo

Friday, June 06, 2008

Dear Moog: Stump F*cking and Hand Waxing

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where I take giving out advice as seriously as I take my responsibility to maintaining a healthy environment.

Hold on a sec...

I just ran over a hippie with my Hummer.

I knew I should have waited to eat my manatee sandwich until I got home.

Oh well.

On the bright side, though:

One less hippie!

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Our letter today comes from Buzzardbilly.

I'm going to paraphrase and edit some of this letter...because it was SO F*CKING LONG I'm surprised it didn't start with, "Call me Ishmael..."

Dear Moog,

As I was reading the comments to your 10 Things You Would To Say to People One Day list, I...

(blah blah blah - edited for content)

As I'm sitting, thinking what a nice way to deal with celebrity when, for some inexplicable reason the imp of ornery took over my brain and would only let the words:

"I asked the drummer from Def Leppard to stump-f*ck me" float through my mind.

The bad part about is: I never did that, AND the one-armed drummer is stumpless, so it would be illogical to ask him to stump-f*ck in the first place....what with lack a stump and all.

Matter of fact, I don't even have any sort of amputee fetish whatsoever, humping stumps or otherwise.

(more edits...JESUS H. CHRIST)

So, my question to you is this:

Have you perhaps created some mesmerizing icon that looks harmless, cute, and funny but really causes your readers' minds to seek the dirty, deranged, and dangerous thoughts?



Dear Buzzardbilly:



First off, I have to hand it to you for being one of the most disturbing letters I’ve ever received.

That said, let’s talk quickly about the stumpy Def Leppard guy.

You’re right…it
WOULD be wrong to ask the Def Leppard drummer to do that… know, with him being all stumpless and sh*t.

However, it would
NOT be out of the question to laugh uncontrollably at him during a concert.

I did this…circa 1986/1987, when my friend Chris’ girlfriend dragged us to their first concert tour after the accident.

Upon the opening of the curtain
(round stage), we saw him:

Limby, the One-Armed Drummer.

Legs and arm flailing away like he was being attacked by killer bees.

Everyone in the place erupted in cheers and a giant ovation.

Except me and Chris.

Chris and I began laughing hysterically.

Chris’ girlfriend: not so much.

Anyway…onto your question:

Have you perhaps created some mesmerizing icon that looks harmless, cute, and funny but really causes your readers' minds to seek the dirty, deranged, and dangerous thoughts?

I’m lost here a bit.

I don’t know if you mean mesmerizing icon as in,
“cool, funny picture”

…or mesmerizing icon as in,
“Eric Estrada.”

I’m going to go with the former, as Mr. Estrada still has his restraining order out against me.

Seriously, Ponch…I’ve done
MUCH worse than stick two fingers in someone’s ass.

Get over it.


Going with the picture thing…I’m sure you’ve seen my

Although it looks like a simple play on the
“Senior Wences” thing…

…it actually is a tribute to my astute skills in masturbatory technique
(I’m down to a three-stroke POP!)

…as well as my penchant for dressing my hands up in various dresses and applying makeup to them.

I think that covers dirty and deranged.

Dangerous, though?

Sure...but only when I put her in the spikey bracelet.

You dirty, dirty little hand-bitch.

How you like me now, eh?!



Perhaps I've said too much.


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


AngryMan said...

The thing I like about this column is that it actually never gives advice, it just turns into a random aside about Mooooog's life.

Unknown said...

wow, my head actually hurts a little after reading that.

FreeOscar said...

Manatee sandwiches are so good. Put some mustard & sauerkraut on it & wash it down with beer. Mmmm...

Hungry Mother said...

All right? All right.

Buzzardbilly said...

Wow. Most disturbing letter ever? I was thinking about scaling Mount Everest this year, but now why bother? It would be but a pale footnote to getting a Moog answer to my long and fucked-up question.

Senor Wences called. He asked me to tell you Moog avatar (the dirty spikey girl), "S'alright."

Rahul said...

The Def Leppard Drummer is better with one arm than most people with two.

He also can't double fist beers.

suck it!

Malach the Merciless said...

Dem Hillbillies talk to much

Mike said...

I am not sure what any of this is about, but I need a shower now.

Malicious Intent said...

Huh, didn't realize you did your own makeup. Thought maybe you had a makeup artist handle that trivial stuff for you.

Dear Mooooog, Can you give us gals some of your make up tips? I know some who really take the war paint a bit to far, and you always look so natural. What is your secret?

Blonde Goddess said...

Yeah....I need makeup tips...

Sara Sue said...

So ... were you and your friend hung like black guys at the Def Leopard concert too?

billymac said...

very nice... i've never actually thought about stump-fucking until now. now i can't stop thinking about it. Thanks.

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