I Got a Rock | Mental Poo

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I Got a Rock


You know, teach...

...it’s not like I work in Kansas.


Let me explain.

At work the other day, I was over in my buddy Bill’s cube and looked up at his shelf.

There, proudly displayed, was a tiny easel and a hand painted canvas about 2 inches square.

A little colorful landscape of flowers, birds and rainbows adorned it.


I respectfully inquired what it was that was on his shelf:

Me: “What the fuck is that? You turn gay and start painting shit with your toes?”

Bill: “That’s my Father’s Day present.”

Aaah.

His kids got all artsy craftsy at school.

Nice.

So...now you're wondering....what did I get?

What artsy craftsy item did the teacher's at my son's school have him create for me?

Well...

I got a rock.

Literally.

My son, in his preschool class, made the dads rocks.

Sorry..sorry…

PAPERWEIGHTS.


Now, I’m NOT saying that I don’t love it. I DO.

It says “#1 Dad” on the top and “Love, Cam” underneath.

It's awesome. He did a great job.

It’s also painted a lovely shade of crimson that may or not be paint but, rather, blood from one of his classmates.

Teacher: "Has anyone seen Billy?"


I DO, however, question the teachers:

1) This is the best you can do for a present for me? A fucking ROCK?!

I tried giving my wife a rock once for Mother’s Day...

(actually, it was a “Pancake Puff” pan but might as well have been a fucking rock given the reception it received upon it’s unwrapping)


...and am still getting shit for it.


2) Where do you think I work where I actually need a rock the size of a grapefruit in order to keep my papers from flying away?

I mean, it’s not like I work out in the middle of a fucking cornfield in Nebraska and have piles and piles of paper sitting around me just waiting for the next Category 5 twister to come along and whip them away.

Wife: “COME ON!! IT’S COMING!! WE HAVE TO GET TO SHELTER!!!”

Me: “DON’T WORRY!! WE'LL BE FINE IF WE CAN JUST HOLD ONTO THIS ROCK I GOT FOR FATHER’S DAY!!”



I work in a goddamn cubicle.

Not so windy there, teach.

Come to think of it, this rock would look great sitting in the middle of her friggin' windshield.

Hell...

I might even paint it for her.

27 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Now, now, now....you are not being thankful. Appreciate your rock. Neither of my kids school did a gift for mother's or father's day. They cannot afford the rocks apparently. Bad enough at the beginning of each school year we have to send in basic supplies for the classroom such as paper towels, tissues, soap, whips, etc.(seriously, it is rediculous.) So no gift for us.

AngryMan said...

Talk about ungrateful . . .

moooooog35 said...

I've reread this, like, three times now and you people are missing the point.

I love my rock. I'm looking at my rock right now (actually...I DO believe that's blood because there are flies on it).

It's the idea that a teacher would come up with a PAPERWEIGHT as the Father's Day idea. A paperweight.

I don't work outdoors. I work on computers.

I don't have any papers and the papers that I DO have certainly ain't whipping around in my cube uncontrollably requiring the weight of a rock to hold them down.

Custom flask? Sure.

Paperweight? Not so much.

Jeez. Make me feel bad why don't ya.

Colonel Colonel said...

Was it an organic, free-range American rock, or one of those Chinese lead rocks?

Mike said...

Why don't you hollow out the rock and make a flask from it?

Your little boy will be happy that its ALWAYS with daddy.

Extra points.

The Doggy Did It said...

My husband once bought me a silverware drawer organizer, and potholders for Mother's day.





They are still looking for the body.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

What you don't know is that while all the fathers got rocks the teacher got a trip to Jamaica!!!

Mike said...

Damn.

I forgot to buy my wife a present for Mother's Day.

Wonder where I could find one of those Pancake Puff pans?

Or a rock with blood on it.

GeologyJoe said...

I :heart: rocks.

Jen said...

Mooooog~ This idea must have been written in the "Father's Day Gifts for Preschoolers" 2008 Handbook because my son made one for my husband. His says "Dad Rocks!" though.

mauniejames3 said...

Ya know...I have to agree with you...how much thought went into a rock...for fathers day...it does kinda suck..however, your son totally rocks so at least appreciate him and some day you will look back on the rock and weep a bit...actually Cam made it just for you...

catscratch diva said...

Ever so slightly bitter, are we???

Malach the Merciless said...

I got a Keyholder, and orginal art, it rocks

rs27 said...

At least he didn't make one of those stupid clay ashtrays...

What a waste.

Blonde Goddess said...

The paperweight is awesome.

By the way...you can always use it to weight your...ahem...crotch area...instead of a rolled up sock.
Then you can prove your manliness by punching yourself there and laughing.

It was a nice gift...

Jen said...

LOVE the Charlie Brown "I got a rock" picture that you have today!!

C.Rag said...

Throw the rock at your kid for his birthday. See how he likes getting a shitty present.

moooooog35 said...

Colonel: No lead paint at the school. It's all on the toys at my house.

Mike: Going to buy a rock tumbler now...

Doggy: Awesome. This almost beats the time I bought my wife a coffee maker for her birthday. Almost.

Ron: That explains the tan and the smell of hemp on her.

Mike: As seen on TV, dude. As seen on TV.

Geo: I've never been happier for you.

Jen: THEY HAVE A HANDBOOK?!?

Maunie: Both my kids rock. My daughter made me an awesome drawing...then my son came in and drew three small spiders on it. Boys.

Catscratch: Not bitter...confused. Okay..and bitter.

Malach: Were the gifts mailed to you from Thailand? I hear you have quite a rep there.

rs27: Only a waste if it's not accompanied by a clay bong.

BG: You have so much wrong with you. So much. I'm jealous.

Jen: Thanks! I invented Google and put all the pictures there for my convenience!

C.Rag: You're going to make a great mother.

Becky..AMHW said...

I use paperweights all the time indoors. I use them to weight patterns when I sew. I use them to weight drawings when I need to trace on the light table. I chuck them at my kids when they are obnoxious.

Imagine this. Joe Accountant in the next cubicle has had a rather heavy mexican lunch which by the smell of things isn't sitting very well. You could bean him with your father's day present which increases his reasons for going home. You get fresher air and the feeling of accomplishment.

lacochran said...

"I work on computers." Then you do, indeed, have a use for your rock.

What the hell is a puff pancake?

Kimmylyn said...

The pancake puffer is an awesome present..ba ha ha ha ha

I am surprised that was not throw at you..

PS.. a bunch of bloggy moms were giggling about how we all think you are 'da bomb and all.. :)

Deb said...

I've never had a Puff Pancake and never knew I wanted one until now! Will your wife make me one? Did you also give her syruP? Do you have any fruity syrup from Knott's Berry Farm, because that would be great.

GorillaSushi said...

It says "Love Cam" on the bottom? I used to love that web site before I got into the harder stuff.

Is your kid sponsored by softcore porn sites? Because he would be my new hero...

Arielle said...

The blood part totally got me, I couldn't stop laughing.

moooooog35 said...

Becky: Thanks for the tips. When I go gay and start sewing, I'll be sure to put the paperweight to good use.

Iachcoahchchraan: Good point. Also, puff pancake = puffy pancake. Jesus..not a rocket scientist there, are we?

Kimmylyn: I HAVE GROUPIES?!? WHERE?!?! ARE THEY OUTSIDE MY TOUR BUS RIGHT NOW?!?

Deb: Be careful what you wish for. You'll be getting it on your next anniversary.

Gorilla: Awesome. I just noticed the ".com" at the end of that. This also explains the one he signed "fatchicksinpartyhats.com"

Arielle: Yes...kid violence is often side splitting. This is why I have cock fights in my basement. Except, instead of roosters, I used kindergartners.

HeyJoe said...

On my desk sits a rock that my son "made" for me in 3rd grade. On one side is a face he painted and on the other it says:

"I love to read! You rock dad."

First of all, he doesn't love to read, so that's a flat out lie. Second, it should be "YOUR rock dad," as in it's MINE. I mean this is a private school for christ sake and they can't even teach him proper spelling and grammar?

I give up.

Cagey said...

I know this is an old thread, but I'm just now reading it and wanted to pass along a little known (in modern times) bit of trivia.

It wasn't that long ago that air conditioning was somewhere between non-existent and rare. It's only been in the last 30 years or so that people have decided it's a god-given right, like color television or beer. Even refrigeration has only been common for the last 50 years or so.

Anyway, what people used to use in sweltering offices were fans. Lots of them. So, you didn't have to be in the throes of a force 5 tornado in the middle of Kansas to have a problem with papers blowing around. Paperweights were a way of life in offices, and it wasn't unusual to have a number of them. It was unthinkable that someone could not use yet another one, if for no other reason than to replace a boring one.

Somehow, the idea has never gone away, even though the need has. At least, with people who don't work in offices.

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