You know, teach...
...it’s not like I work in Kansas.
Let me explain.
At work the other day, I was over in my buddy Bill’s cube and looked up at his shelf.
There, proudly displayed, was a tiny easel and a hand painted canvas about 2 inches square.
A little colorful landscape of flowers, birds and rainbows adorned it.
I respectfully inquired what it was that was on his shelf:
Me: “What the fuck is that? You turn gay and start painting shit with your toes?”
Bill: “That’s my Father’s Day present.”
His kids got all artsy craftsy at school.
So...now you're wondering....what did I get?
What artsy craftsy item did the teacher's at my son's school have him create for me?
I got a rock.
My son, in his preschool class, made the dads rocks.
Now, I’m NOT saying that I don’t love it. I DO.
It says “#1 Dad” on the top and “Love, Cam” underneath.
It's awesome. He did a great job.
It’s also painted a lovely shade of crimson that may or not be paint but, rather, blood from one of his classmates.
Teacher: "Has anyone seen Billy?"
I DO, however, question the teachers:
1) This is the best you can do for a present for me? A fucking ROCK?!
I tried giving my wife a rock once for Mother’s Day...
(actually, it was a “Pancake Puff” pan but might as well have been a fucking rock given the reception it received upon it’s unwrapping)
...and am still getting shit for it.
2) Where do you think I work where I actually need a rock the size of a grapefruit in order to keep my papers from flying away?
I mean, it’s not like I work out in the middle of a fucking cornfield in Nebraska and have piles and piles of paper sitting around me just waiting for the next Category 5 twister to come along and whip them away.
Wife: “COME ON!! IT’S COMING!! WE HAVE TO GET TO SHELTER!!!”
Me: “DON’T WORRY!! WE'LL BE FINE IF WE CAN JUST HOLD ONTO THIS ROCK I GOT FOR FATHER’S DAY!!”
I work in a goddamn cubicle.
Not so windy there, teach.
Come to think of it, this rock would look great sitting in the middle of her friggin' windshield.
I might even paint it for her.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008