Here's how my motorcycle ride went today:
1) On the highway, I immediately get stuck behind a garbage truck
For those of you who have never had the pleasure of riding on a motorcycle behind a garbage truck on a warm morning, let me tell you this:
Not: "Pee-Yuuu...something's smells bad," stinky...
"Rosie O'Donnell playing Racquetball for three straight hours wearing wool underwear ass-crack stinky."
2) Asshole smoker in front of me flicks his cigarette out his window
This, conveniently, hits me in the head.
Plus, this lingering cigarette smell is mingling nice with the banana-lettuce-shit garbage smell that's somehow trapped inside my helmet from the f*cking garbage truck.
3) A different asshole decides to wash his windshield at 80 mph while I'm directly behind him
*spritz sprinkle spritzy sprinkle*
Me (yelling inside my full-face helmet): "OH...WELL ISN'T THAT GODDAMN NICE.. THAT'S JUST F*CKING BRILLIANT, ASSHOLE!! BRILLIANT!!"
What people driving beside me heard:
(apparently, I sound like Paris Hilton on a first date when I'm yelling on my motorcycle)
Covered in windshield washer fluid leaves me soaked and smelling like ammonia.
On a bright note, it helped extinguish the fire caused from the cigarette.
4) On the drive home, get caught in a torrential downpour
Getting caught in rain on a motorcycle SUCKS ASS.
It's also at this time that the windshield washing, cigarette smoking, garbage truck driving jackasses in front of me all decide that - hey - for safety's sake...
...let's all drive 5 Miles Per Hour.
(for those of you on the Metric System, that's equivalent to F*CKING SLOW)
Me: "HURRY!! MOVE. YOUR. ASS!!! I WANT TO GET HOME NOW!!"
Driver (looking at passenger): "Do you hear Paris Hilton?"
But for 50 mpg, I'll do it all again tomorrow.
Ooops..sorry...helmet was on.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008