The Joy of Motorcycling | Mental Poo

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Joy of Motorcycling


That's sarcasm.

Here's how my motorcycle ride went today:

1) On the highway, I immediately get stuck behind a garbage truck

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of riding on a motorcycle behind a garbage truck on a warm morning, let me tell you this:

It's stinky.

Not: "Pee-Yuuu...something's smells bad," stinky...

..more like..

"Rosie O'Donnell playing Racquetball for three straight hours wearing wool underwear ass-crack stinky."


Yeah.

Stinky.


2) Asshole smoker in front of me flicks his cigarette out his window

This, conveniently, hits me in the head.

Asshole.

Plus, this lingering cigarette smell is mingling nice with the banana-lettuce-shit garbage smell that's somehow trapped inside my helmet from the f*cking garbage truck.

Rodney: 0
World: 2



3) A different asshole decides to wash his windshield at 80 mph while I'm directly behind him

*spritz sprinkle spritzy sprinkle*

Me (yelling inside my full-face helmet): "OH...WELL ISN'T THAT GODDAMN NICE.. THAT'S JUST F*CKING BRILLIANT, ASSHOLE!! BRILLIANT!!"

What people driving beside me heard:

"MMMFMFMMFFFFMM!! MFMFMM!!"

(apparently, I sound like Paris Hilton on a first date when I'm yelling on my motorcycle)

Covered in windshield washer fluid leaves me soaked and smelling like ammonia.

On a bright note, it helped extinguish the fire caused from the cigarette.


4) On the drive home, get caught in a torrential downpour

Getting caught in rain on a motorcycle SUCKS ASS.

It's also at this time that the windshield washing, cigarette smoking, garbage truck driving jackasses in front of me all decide that - hey - for safety's sake...

...let's all drive 5 Miles Per Hour.

(for those of you on the Metric System, that's equivalent to F*CKING SLOW)


Me: "HURRY!! MOVE. YOUR. ASS!!! I WANT TO GET HOME NOW!!"

Driver (looking at passenger):
"Do you hear Paris Hilton?"

Ugh.

But for 50 mpg, I'll do it all again tomorrow.

mffmfffmfmff

Ooops..sorry...helmet was on.

I said:

"Moog out."

20 comments:

Mike said...

Dood, 50 mpg ain't worth that shit.

Especially when you can buy a newer sedan and get your whole family AND paris hilton in it for 32-35 MPG.

That's 175 motorcycle MPG when you count all the persons.

PLUS you can dismiss the family and get VD with Paris in the back seat.

Nuff said.

GeologyJoe said...

i believe the answer to the riddle is : swamp ass.

i'm a genius...i know.

AngryMan said...

You may sound like Paris Hilton, but your acting skills are way superior.

However, she is tits when it comes to collecting STDs.

C.Rag said...

So how do you reach the handles on the motorcycle?

The Doggy Did It said...

I was totally going to ask how you reach the handle bars!!

Do you have a phone book on the seat?

catscratch diva said...

People who pitch cigs out the window should have thier pubs yanked out one by one.

Hello. A little consideration for other people please.

wolf said...

Yay for good MPG! I'm with you - I'd brave all that stuff again too. Just think how hard it would be to get the garbage stink out of the minivan upholstery.

Becky..AMHW said...

Were you wearing pantyhose so you wouldn't chap your motorcycle ass?

I learned that tip at a biker rally at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. This is also wear we met an 80 year old harley riding grandma...her husband follows behind her in his car.

Becky..AMHW said...

Where...where...wear is Freudian. I don't where pantyhose or wear them either.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hence Malach does not do the Motorcycle

rs27 said...

I heard guys that ride motorcycles have small....feet.

just repeating what I was told.

billymac said...

rosie's ass smells like swamp-ass? I figured it would be like a dozen roses dipped in 6 month old beer diarrhea.... ya learn sumpthin every day.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: When your car gets 24mpg..50 is WAY worth it when you're driving 70 miles a day. Plus, who the Hell wants to take the family to work? Are you high?

Geo: Congratulations on winning. Check is in the mail. Don't cash it.

Angry: That's hot.

C.Rag: I sit on phone books and have wood blocks taped to my boots. Thanks for asking.

Doggy: I reach the handle bars using my extra long fingers. Just kidding...I have blocks taped to those, too.

Catscratch: EXACTLY.

Wolf: You get the mpg PLUS the odoriffic-ness of the experience. It's a win-win. Wait...win-lose. Forget what I said.

Becky: I never leave home without my UnderAlls.

Malach: But you could get a sidecar and drive Murk all around while wearing Sgt. Schultz outfits. Fun times!

rs27: Yep. Sad but true. Size 7. Feel my pain.

Mike said...

You need to buy one of those little scooters that gets 100 MPG. In addition to all those nasty things that happened to you while you were riding the motorcycle, you get to look like a dork too. What more could you ask for.

Oh, and the Rosie O'Douche swamp ass smell is optional when you ride one of those scooters. I think this is because the scooters are actually slower than decay.

The Offended Blogger said...

So, is it really a motorcycle or is it a Vespa? Come on, you can tell me! :p

AngryGinger said...

I can hear everything my LandLady & SpermDonor say.
SpermDonor says he's riding LandLady like a motorcycle.
I don't like motorcycles.

Lakota said...

tossing my brilliant idea to get a motorcycle out the window.
plan B on gas saving transportation - if i walk yo work i should get there at about quitting time everyday.

Lakota said...

**to**

PracticallyJoe said...

*spritz sprinkle spritzy sprinkle*

That's how I handle tailgaiters ... "Back off buddy! Okay then ... Take this!!

*spritz sprinkle spritzy sprinkle*

Chickie said...

Oh goody! It had never occurred to me to wash my windshield when some assmunch was tailgating me on his bike.

I can't wait to do it.

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