"How to Induce Vomiting when Reaching for your Deodorant"
Let me explain.
The other day, I went off on yet another spastic tirade against Rachael Ray (in the post, "Swimming in Ass")...
...comparing that annoying bitch to the sludge that can gather on the top of a pool cover during the winter.
Yeah...you know...in thinking about that analogy...
Next time, I'm not going to be so kind.
My wife knows that I CAN'T STAND Rachael Ray.
So, here's what welcomed me as I opened my medicine cabinet the other morning:
I felt the need to purge today.
Damn, that woman makes me laugh.
After I was done hurling, I decided that since you now have a look inside my medicine cabinet, I might as well explain myself.
A) 800mg Ibuprofen
I use this for hangovers, back pain, and migranes I get from using "D"
B) Anti-Diarrheal medicine
I went through, like, four bottle of this shit while going through my month-long stomach bullshit crapping problem.
I believe I'm now addicted and should probably start attending ADA Meetings (Anti-Diarrheal Anonymous).
C) Gas Relief Pills
Also see "B."
When I wasn't shitting, I was farting.
Yep...a regular one-man party.
(Also available for kid's shows)
He can't get it up!
LOOK OUT, LADIES!!
E) Penis Enlargement Pills
Hey...I can't ignore ALL of these spam emails.
I mean, Christ, one of them has to work, right? RIGHT?!?!
Actually, these pills are bigger than my penis to begin with.
Maybe I should just start stuffing them into the end of the f*cking thing.
F) Rogaine foam
G) Rogaine liquid
...a giant line of small-broken-penis-and-balding-flatulent-man groupies is forming.
With me to meet them.
Thank GOD I have my:
H) AXE Aftershave Gel
They won't be able to resist me with my AXE on.
I know this, because I saw it on TV.
I) Mentadent Toothpaste
Blue + white toothpaste!!
When I add in the red from my bleeding gums, I become a regular patriot!
It's like Independence Day EVERY day!
I think I need to see a dentist.
J) Manscaping razor
K) Face razor
And NEVER, EVER the two shall meet.
Shaving my face with my nut razor would be like teabagging myself.
..and I'm NOT trying that again.
Took three weeks to get the f*cking knot out of my back.
This picture is long since gone...but the memories remain...
...as does my upset stomach from the thing.
Thanks, again, honey.
Can you go get me some more Kaopectate now, please?
I think I'm going to throw up.
You owe me.