Rachael Ray: Medicine Woman | Mental Poo

Monday, July 14, 2008

Rachael Ray: Medicine Woman


Alternate Title:

"How to Induce Vomiting when Reaching for your Deodorant"

Let me explain.

The other day, I went off on yet another spastic tirade against Rachael Ray (in the post, "Swimming in Ass")...

...comparing that annoying bitch to the sludge that can gather on the top of a pool cover during the winter.


Yeah...you know...in thinking about that analogy...

...I've decided:

Next time, I'm not going to be so kind.

My wife knows that I CAN'T STAND Rachael Ray.

So, here's what welcomed me as I opened my medicine cabinet the other morning:


Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Awesome.

Thanks, hon.

I felt the need to purge today.

Damn, that woman makes me laugh.

After I was done hurling, I decided that since you now have a look inside my medicine cabinet, I might as well explain myself.



A) 800mg Ibuprofen

I use this for hangovers, back pain, and migranes I get from using "D"

B) Anti-Diarrheal medicine

Aaah...Kaopectate.

I went through, like, four bottle of this shit while going through my month-long stomach bullshit crapping problem.

I believe I'm now addicted and should probably start attending ADA Meetings (Anti-Diarrheal Anonymous).


C) Gas Relief Pills

Also see "B."

When I wasn't shitting, I was farting.

Yep...a regular one-man party.

(Also available for kid's shows)

D) Levitra


He shits!

He farts!

He can't get it up!

LOOK OUT, LADIES!!


E) Penis Enlargement Pills

Hey...I can't ignore ALL of these spam emails.

I mean, Christ, one of them has to work, right? RIGHT?!?!


Actually, these pills are bigger than my penis to begin with.

Maybe I should just start stuffing them into the end of the f*cking thing.

F) Rogaine foam

G) Rogaine liquid


Somewhere...out there...

...a giant line of small-broken-penis-and-balding-flatulent-man groupies is forming.

With me to meet them.

Thank GOD I have my:

H) AXE Aftershave Gel

They won't be able to resist me with my AXE on.

I know this, because I saw it on TV.


I) Mentadent Toothpaste

Blue + white toothpaste!!

When I add in the red from my bleeding gums, I become a regular patriot!

It's like Independence Day EVERY day!

I think I need to see a dentist.

J) Manscaping razor

K) Face razor

And NEVER, EVER the two shall meet.

Shaving my face with my nut razor would be like teabagging myself.

..and I'm NOT trying that again.

Took three weeks to get the f*cking knot out of my back.


L) Satan

This picture is long since gone...but the memories remain...

...as does my upset stomach from the thing.

Thanks, again, honey.

Can you go get me some more Kaopectate now, please?

I think I'm going to throw up.

You owe me.

22 comments:

Mike said...

Dood

Is that what it's like getting old?

I'm going to have to check my bathroom to see if it has a medicine cabinet now.

If the previous old lady owner left any stuff behind, want to buy it real cheap?

AngryMan said...

I notice that you use the razor w/relatively expensive blades for your junk. Wise choice.
However, you've clearly let your face get what appears to be a crap razor. What's up w/that?

C.Rag said...

So did you just take some Levitra & get a boner when you looked at Satan?

The Doggy Did It said...

I hate that bitch too. Her voice makes my fu*ken teeth itch. We should start a club.

Gladyslexic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gladyslexic said...

based on all the things you are using, it makes me wonder why your wife hasn't left you yet. you are falling apart, man! the penis-enlargement pills must be working.

haha.

hilarious. i love it!

Narm said...

Rachel Rae confuses my penis. Some days she looks cute and other days I'm scared she might eat me.

meleah rebeccah said...

Please pass that Kaopectate my way. I am presently dealing with Leaky Ass Syndrome.

meleah rebeccah said...

and I loathe Rachel Rea

rs27 said...

having the face razor and ball razor next to each other has got to be dangerous.

Hope people aren't calling you ball face johnson.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Ixnay on the illegal drugs-ay. We should-xay talk offline-say. Shit. I think I did that wrong.

Angry: My facial hair grows at roughly a third the rate of my knob-hair and usually comes in looking like mange. Not worth the money or effort.

C.Rag: It's the Dunkin Donuts iced coffee she's holding that actually does it for me.

Doggy: There's already a club for people that hate Rachel Rae. It's called "The General Public."

Gladys: Actually, given the amount of shit I take to stay hairy on top, hairless on the bottom, and stiff when it counts, I'm surprised I haven't been featured on the show "Intervention" yet.

Narm: No kidding - but no matter what her weight is on any given day, she still has man hands.

Meleah: Leaky Ass. You sound hot.

rs27: My last name isn't Johnson. Most people just call me plain ol' "ballface." I wish my mom would just call me "son," sometimes.

Ashley said...

LOL. When I finally stop laughing, maybe I could write something even slightly witty? Yeh, maybe not. Hilarious.

Ashley (bosssanders.com)

LBluca77 said...

DUDE, I can't stand her either. I hate when I hear her say EVOO. As in extra virgin olive oil. Seriously is it that difficult for her to say the actual words?

HeyJoe said...

I care neither way, for Ms. Rachel Rae, though I do like to rhyme when I find the time. So I’ll end on this note, with regard to your scrote; whether smoothed or full mane, those veins are insane.

God I really need to do something productive at work one of these days.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Sorry to disagree but me like Rachal Rae. Maybe it's just the idea that she would fix the greatest snacks after sex...

Malicious Intent said...

I love your wife, really I do. Can I date her?

And can I get my script filled at Moooog's Pharmacy? Do you have discounts for the burned out and do you have anything for stretch marks?

Evil Genius said...

Well, look at it this way - it could be worse. I mean, I didn't see any Preparation H in the medicine cabinet.

lol

Mike said...

You do realize that after the apocalypse Rachel Ray will be the only thing left on earth don't you?

I just thought you should be aware of that.

Malach the Merciless said...

What not Oxycotin? That's Damn Unamerican!

OHmommy said...

Your wife rocks.

Blonde Goddess said...

Hey! I've seen that picture before! HAHAHAHA! What a woody!!!

Prin said...

What? No athlete's foot spray? I thought that was an old man staple.

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