Before we start...
...there's a new review of "The Incredible Hulk" over on "Moog's Movie Reviews!"
Help yourself. It's a free buffet of nothingness.
One of the funniest guys I have ever read, RS27 from "Your Beard is Good" has taken my invitation to write a Guest Blog here to heart.
You'll laugh. You'll cry (actually...I hope you don't cry...because that would suck).
You'll become a reader of his.
Thanks, RS...today, I shall eat shawarma and pita chips in your honor.
Moooog (aside: I never know how many o's to put in there so I just hold o down until I feel it's appropriate) asked me to write a guest post back in the summer of 1973, but I'm just getting around to it now. I can't help it if I'm "retro."
If no one reads my blog, I don't blame you. It's terribly written, has bad jokes and re-uses the word "awesome" in instances where it's highly inappropriate. It's a hodge podge of non sequiters (word calendar!)
One thing you would get from there is that I'm Indian which means we must hold to certain stereotypes. We all know what they are...
1) Run 7-11's, Dunkin Donuts, some other kind of chain convenience store
2) House smells like curry all the time
3) Still wear fanny packs
4) Sex Gods
5) Like to bargain for anything
6) Good at Math and Spelling
One of those might not fit.
I always hated the Spelling Bee at school. Always. When I watch the spelling bee on TV it's always some kid name Sanjay Patel that's in the final round that somehow has a full 'stache at the age of 9 wearing a t shirt that says, "If You Like Polo You'll Love Rolo."
Get your imitation cologne out of here.
I watch these kids and want to be proud of them sticking up for my culture and my heritage and then, inevitably, I start shaking my head and wondering how they got out of the house without tripping on their pocket protector. These kids READ the dictionary. They read the DICTIONARY. I like capitalizing RANDOM words in SENTENCES. It's ALOT of fun. You SHOULD try it.
Last time I checked, the dictionary wasn't a great read. Take this page of the dictionary for example. It comes from page 201 of Webster's English Dictionary: Combined for Common Uses.
"Maz'ard, n. the jaw, a cherry
Mazarine, Mazarene n. a deep blue
Maze, n. a labyrinth, astonishment"
What the hell kind of story is that? I'll tell you what kind. The worst kind of story ever. There are no tigers jumping around on their tails. There's no kid with glasses fending off some creepy guy that killed his parents. There are no Hardy Boys.
NO HARDY BOYS!
It's a travesty that Indian children are being locked in their room reading the dictionary when they could be doing so many other things. They could be getting rejected by girls in high school. They could be getting picked last in school appreciation day for the potato sack race. They could be crying because some kid named Johnny stole their lunch money and when they tried to get it back, Johnny stuck his hand in his face and made him look like a fool in the cafeteria when everyone watched and hit him in the eye with a chicken nuggets.
I'm just sayin'.
I hated the Spelling Bee because I had the weight of an entire nation , state, household in Central Jersey on me. I was also supremely confident in my abilities to spell that after getting bounced out of the 4th grade spelling bee, I was back for the 5th grade one. Because 5 comes after 4 in the numerical system. This time I was stronger, mentally more agile, and wearing pants so when I stepped to that podium the world would know. Indians can spell and spell we will!
I walked right up to that podium in our cafetorium for my first word.
Spelling Guru - Your word is here. Here.
Really this is the first word I get? What a cake walk this is going to be.
Me- Here? Here. H-E-R-E. Here. Suck it, School!
Spelling guru- Sorry its H-E-A-R. Hear.
WHAT?!?! This is why I hate English. That example right there. Words that sound the same that are spelled differently? Who else does this except stupid English speaking people. So after my brilliant display of confidence, I was first one out of the 5th grade bee. You think I would have learned after going out of the 4th Grade one in the same way. On the bright side, I got more free cookies that anyone that day. Twas a good day.
Take that Sanjay!
To read more about RS' displays of date-fumbling and random word capitalization, go to his site "Your Beard is Good."
You won't regret it.
If anyone wants to guest spot here, shoot me an email via the link above and let me know.
Search the "Casting Couch" labels here for my other guests.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Before we start...
Labels: casting couch