The Pre-Yard Sale Abduction | Mental Poo

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The Pre-Yard Sale Abduction

Before I start:

Two new reviews over on "Moog's Movie Reviews:"

1) "Rambo"

2) "Wanted"

3) "Wall-E"

As you were.


Crap for Sale:

If you wanted to sell your own shit, you probably could.

Let me explain.

Summer in New England means that three things start appearing:

1) Hot chicks in ass-floss

2) Disgusting chicks in ass-floss

3) Yard Sales

I was given the choice of doing one of the above last weekend.

Since I don't look good in a thong (my hemorrhoids tend to poke out the sides), we decided to have a yard sale.

You know it's time for a yard sale when you hear yourself say any of the following:

1) they even SELL games for Atari anymore?

2) The heating guy charged us extra because he needed a sherpa to guide him to the furnace.

We need money.

4) Do you think another guy would buy this thong?

After spending three hours crafting our signs, I headed out to go post them illegally without permits on telephone poles throughout the area.

As a side note, I've found that the best signs to cover over are the "Blind Drive" signs and the "Children at Play" ones.

Then...just sit back, and wait for the sirens.

Good times...good times.

At one point, I passed a girl about 14 years old walking on the side of the road. I was in my wife's minivan loaded with markers, signs, and a staplegun.

I drove up past her and pulled over into the shoulder.

I needed to draw an arrow on the sign before I got out and posted it on the pole up ahead.

When I sat up from drawing the arrow, I looked in the rear view mirror.

The girl that was walking was stopped behind my car, staring at me.

She looked TERRIFED.


She thinks I'm going to kidnap her.

Guy in a van drives by...pulls over in front of her...then ducks low in the car out of her vision.


So now I'm afraid to actually get out of the f*cking car because she'll probably start screaming and shit... I hold up the staple gun and marker so she can see them.

She starts backing away.

Then I realize that - oh - great...that looks just like a f*cking knife and some weird electro-gun or some bullshit.

This is going swimmingly.


Eventually, the girl just took off in the other direction.

I'm sure, somewhere, I was shown on the news in an "Attempted Abduction" story.

Luckily, I'm not taller than the seats, so I think she could only see my eyes.

And the knife/electro-gun thingy.


People will buy anything at a yard sale. Anything.

At one point, I sneezed into a tissue:


Fine. It's not like that.

And I wouldn't sell my own boogers even if I could.

My collection would be in utter disarray with non-sequential numbered snot.

And I simply can't have that.

We ended up making $500 at the yard sale.

Which we immediately used to buy more shit.

None of which was a knife or an electro-gun to abduct pre-pubescent teens.

That shit's expensive.

Happy Fourth of July to all my U.S readers!

Have a good weekend, to everyone else.

Moog out.


Mike said...

You should have dropped trow and got out.

I hear jail time for exposure is less than attempted kidnapping.

Just a suggestion for next time.

Narm said...

I can't wait to read your post about the wonderful evening you spent with Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed Wasabi peas until this moment.

Now it's Moog snot.

Thanks, man.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I didn't realize my ass picture was out there on the interwebs for Moooooogs to use for fodder.

Knight said...

MMMMmmm Wasabi Peas! I'll give you $3.00 for your collection.

Rahul said...

Like I awlays say..One man's garbage is another man'

Raspootin said...

A friend of mine has has a yard sale every month for the past 6 months and keeps emailing me to come.

I finally had to explain that if no one buys it after the first , second, third time well maybe just maybe it's time to call the salvation army or take a visit to the dump.

He kinda seemed insulted, but the truth often can hurt.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hot Damn! I loves me a good yard sale

Josh said...

I'm the opposite. I would be way to annoyed with idiots to have a garage sale so I actually PAY the trash company to bring me a huge dumpster. Then I fill it with all my old crap. I'm too selfish to actually put it out on the street for people to grab my junk for free so I wait until just before the truck gets here and wheel the dumpster out to the street. No free crap for you, amigos. And no free use of MY dumpster, neighbors.

HeyJoe said...

That bit about you and the van and the young girl? That's rich, I'll say.

$500 from a garage sale? Jesus, we're lucky to make more than $150. Our shit must be worse than your shit. I hate doing garage sales.

Practically Joe said...

One used Atari game ... $10
One Blair Witch Project Video ... $5
One slightly used snot rag ... $1
Visiting Mental Poo to see a picture of a fat man climbing the stairs wearing only a thong ... Priceless

Anonymous said...

Bwaaahahaaha at Joe.

Yard sales are totally better than a thong on a man.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I had a yard sale last summer. I attempted to sell my used toilet seat. I marked it 1000 bucks firm...but no takers. Dumbasses...don't they know I sat my juicy naked bottom on that thing? It's got provenance!

I'd pay a shiny nickel for the boogers.

Tawnya Shields said...

Man I have missed you. Bad. Too much bad shit was happening so I have not been blogging. I should have stopped by for some therapy.
How did your boogers that damn big? You need some medical attention. LMAO! :o)~

Always glad to stop by your neck of the woods.

AngryMan said...

Do you want to put me on retainer now?

linda said...

I had to stop going to garage sales due to the lack of space in our own home - it did become an issue. I mean, there is a limit to how much you can fit into a three bedroom house.

Wasabi peas now have a whole new meaning to them. And that man walking up those stairs - where do you get those photos? Actually, do not tell me - I don't really want to know.

Moooooog35 said...

Sorry, everyone - had a four-day weekend and, really, didn't feel like turning on my computer to reply.

Aaaah...feel the love.

Actually, this is the SECOND yard sale we've had - the first one netted us $700.

So...if you're keeping score at home, that's $1200 we made.

Granted, all the shit we sold cost $30,000 new...but whatever.

Rhea said...

I almost threw up about three times while reading this post. That has to be a record of some sort, right?

Just say no to butt floss.

prin said...

Yard sales are so violating though. People can be so judgmental.

*Looks at thong. Looks at you. Looks at thong. Looks at you.*

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