The One-Armed Spelunker | Mental Poo

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The One-Armed Spelunker


She was screaming her head off in the darkness.

No, no...

I'm not talking about my wife's reaction to me when we have sex.

(Her reaction is more of a disgusted person trying to withhold their vomit...mixed with bouts of snoring)

I'm awesome.

No - I'm talking about my 7-year old daughter's foray into cave exploration.

About a week and a half ago, my daughter broke her wrist and now has to wear a splint and a sling.

As such, everything we planned to do on vacation had to ensure that she could actually ATTEMPT it, so as not to induce bouts of hysterical crying and depression.

(damn...you can also add that to my wife's reaction above as well)


We did a day trip to a place called "The Lost River" in New Hampshire.

I'm not quite clear WHY they call it "The Lost River" - as you pretty much follow the f*cking thing through the whole hike.

Cashier: "That will be forty dollars."

(five minutes later down the trail)

Me (looking down): "What the f*ck?! The river's f*cking RIGHT THERE!!"

Lost, my ass.

"Rip-off River" is more like it.


The Lost River also has caves to explore.

My son went in with me in one no problem.

My daughter's exploration went something like this:

Me: "Honey, this one looks like you can do it."

Daughter: "Really? Um...okay."

At this point, we descend into a cave that is blacker than Rachael Ray's soul.

It was THAT dark.


Daughter: "Where do we go out?"

(I have no f*cking clue...I can't see a goddamn thing)

Me: "I think we go right h..."

"AAIIEYYYYEEE!! I WANNA GO!!! I WANT TO LEAVE!! AIAYYYYEEE!! I WANT TO GO OUT!!! HELPPP!!! HELLPP!!! I WANT TO GO NOWW!!!!"

This reaction was made better when you factor in the echoing that happens in an enclosed space that's roughly the size of Paris Hilton's vagina.

You could probably get a Volkswagen in it, but not much more.

Maybe a couple of circus clowns.


Had there been snow anywhere, I have no doubt that we would have been buried in an avalanche.

THAT was my daughter's cave exploration at The Lost River.

Lost.

It's not f*cking lost, people.

I found it in, like, 3 minutes.

That's STILL pissing me off.

Somewhere, Paris Hilton's vagina is laughing...

...and so are the circus clowns.

19 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

Next time you want to just throw your money away, text me. I'll come running.

Damn. They got you. *giggling*

AngryMan said...

I think that you need a reality show, Mooooog.

Mike said...

Paris Hilton's vagina also makes me laugh. HAAA HAA HA Haa Ha ha.....

Narm said...

"The Lost River" makes sense. You lost your money and you lost your pride.

Knight said...

I don't understand why you paid $40 to see a river. There are lots of those that you can look at for free.

So did Rosie help you out of the cave?

Slick said...

I can't believe you fell for that "Lost River" bullshit.

Wait...it was your wife's idea right?

Ok, you're saved.

I had faith in you.

So uh, is your daughter still in Paris' vagina or what?

Mike said...

It's okay. I have lived right next to the Raisin river for 15 years and in all that time, I haven't seen a single fucking raisin. It's okay though. I hate raisins almost as much as celery.

Maybe the river was named for Paris Hilton's virginity. Or Rachel Ray's soul? Or Rosie O'Donnel's feminine hygiene skills.

LBluca77 said...

That picture of the crying kid is the scariest thing I have ever seen. I am now rocking myself back and forth in the fetal position.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

That picture of the crying baby is amazing...and disturbing on so many levels. lol

Chris Wood said...

Moog, I think you need some direction on this whole lost river thing. Call the papers, tell 'em where you found it and check for reward money

moooooog35 said...

Christina: I've texted you, but was charged 4.99 a minute. I can no longer afford your services. Unless you take Visa.

Angry: YES!! "It's a Moog's Life." I already have the camera set up in my bathroom.

Mike #1: Your laugh is echoing in there. Go figure.

Narm: When did I have lions?

Knight: No kidding. I also live on a river that I can see from my kitchen window. Color me stupid.

Slick: Actually it was my idea. We almost went to another one the next day - same money, but no Paris Hilton vagina caves. Dodged a bullet when it started raining.

Mike #2: Was it the grape river before it stayed out in the sun too long?

Lbluca & Diva: I know. It's like "The Shining" kid creepy.

HeyJoe said...

That picture of the "crying child" gives me the willies. Well, that's probably a poor choice of words given the site I'm on, but it creeps me out.

And Paris Hilton's vagina makes me cry.

Ladies and gentlemen- Please welcome Paris Hilton's Vagina!!

Raspootin said...

I can almost see the whole thing through your desciptive powers even though it was pitch black!

one word: flashlight

or is that two words hmmm.

stephanie said...

The crying child picture is rad.

The Troll said...

You're kind of amusing.

Malach the Merciless said...

Lost River and the Polar Caves! They ROCK! Take me next time!

moooooog35 said...

HeyJoe: You said willie and vagina in the same comment!!

Raspootin: Listen...I had enough crap with the video camera, backpack, and all the sherpa's shit - I didn't need to be weighed down by a flashlight (one word).

Stephanie: Word.

Troll: Wow..hey! Enough with the accolades!

Malach: Only if you carry me on your back like Luke did with Yoda.

mauniejames3 said...

Your nuts...truly you are nuts...your poor kids...that crying little child will give me nightmares forever........have fun but make better choices...maunie...lots of fun places in N.H

meleah rebeccah said...

That crying kid photo is truly upsetting and totally fucking creepy dood. Yikes.

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