She was screaming her head off in the darkness.
I'm not talking about my wife's reaction to me when we have sex.
(Her reaction is more of a disgusted person trying to withhold their vomit...mixed with bouts of snoring)
No - I'm talking about my 7-year old daughter's foray into cave exploration.
About a week and a half ago, my daughter broke her wrist and now has to wear a splint and a sling.
As such, everything we planned to do on vacation had to ensure that she could actually ATTEMPT it, so as not to induce bouts of hysterical crying and depression.
(damn...you can also add that to my wife's reaction above as well)
We did a day trip to a place called "The Lost River" in New Hampshire.
I'm not quite clear WHY they call it "The Lost River" - as you pretty much follow the f*cking thing through the whole hike.
Cashier: "That will be forty dollars."
(five minutes later down the trail)
Me (looking down): "What the f*ck?! The river's f*cking RIGHT THERE!!"
Lost, my ass.
"Rip-off River" is more like it.
The Lost River also has caves to explore.
My son went in with me in one no problem.
My daughter's exploration went something like this:
Me: "Honey, this one looks like you can do it."
Daughter: "Really? Um...okay."
At this point, we descend into a cave that is blacker than Rachael Ray's soul.
It was THAT dark.
Daughter: "Where do we go out?"
(I have no f*cking clue...I can't see a goddamn thing)
Me: "I think we go right h..."
"AAIIEYYYYEEE!! I WANNA GO!!! I WANT TO LEAVE!! AIAYYYYEEE!! I WANT TO GO OUT!!! HELPPP!!! HELLPP!!! I WANT TO GO NOWW!!!!"
This reaction was made better when you factor in the echoing that happens in an enclosed space that's roughly the size of Paris Hilton's vagina.
You could probably get a Volkswagen in it, but not much more.
Maybe a couple of circus clowns.
Had there been snow anywhere, I have no doubt that we would have been buried in an avalanche.
THAT was my daughter's cave exploration at The Lost River.
It's not f*cking lost, people.
I found it in, like, 3 minutes.
That's STILL pissing me off.
Somewhere, Paris Hilton's vagina is laughing...
...and so are the circus clowns.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008