Opening an Old Wound | Mental Poo

Monday, October 27, 2008

Opening an Old Wound


Going to bed the other night, my wife says:

Wife: "Hey...you know, you're coming up on your year anniversary of your vasectomy."


Her foreplay sucks.

But, as I looked back, sure enough it's been just about a year since I had my nuts shaved, ripped open, hacked, cauterized (look! ball-smoke!), and subsequently put on ice.

Me: "Thanks for reminding me."

For those of you who did NOT go through this fantasmical voyage, I present to you with my first Post-Op article:

"Great Balls of Ice"


As a side note, my wife also mentioned this:

Wife: "You know, I still have the large candy bar from the calendar."

Ah..."My Icky Sticky Advent Calendar."

Again, for those of you not with me at the time, one of my requirements post-vasectomy was to self-abuse my Mr. Wiggly, like, 25 times or something before I could go back to have the sperm count checked.

As a side note, I probably could have pulled this off in about two days with the proper lubricant.

To mark this countdown, my wife created a porno-Advent calendar - where after every *sploop* I'd get to eat a mini "3 Musketeers" bar.

At the end, I'd get to eat a FULL SIZED ONE!!

(small things excite me)


Regardless, apparently I never ate the big one (that's what she said)...and she saved it.

Wife: "It's kind of like saving the top of a wedding cake and eating it on your one-year anniversary."

Me: "Yeah..um...except it's a candy bar, and I don't really want to celebrate this."

Damn. She's twisted.

But, hey! CANDY!!

(again..small things)

Here, in it's original format, is my post:


"Great Balls of Ice"


In re-reading this, I see that I was planning on sitting down to watch the Red Sox in the World Series. No such luck this year.

Bitch.

Anyway - Enjoy.

*******************


Well, it's over.

At approximately 11:30 a.m., on October 25, 2007, I took two shots of novacaine to my testicles.

Shortly thereafter, they were cut open, ripped apart, cauterized and then sewed back up. My first and only vasectomy, is officially over.

So...awesome.

(insert sarcasm here).

Right now, I'm sitting here now watching hockey and waiting for the World Series Game 2 to start...with a giant bag of ice on them.

To the guys out there: Guys...it's nasty.

If you've never taken a needle to the nut and are in line for one, GET OUT OF THE LINE NOW.

The needle hurts. It hurt A LOT. Interestingly, it hurt a LOT more in my right nut than my left...I guess Righty is a much more sensitive, caring ball.

The third time I nearly kicked the doctor in the head with my right knee, he started to get perturbed. So, instead of attempting murder-by-kneecap for a fourth time, I decided to suck it up and take it.

Here's the thing...once they're numb, the whole procedure took, like, 10 minutes.


The absolutely most disturbing part was the cauterization...seeing smoke coming from your crotch is...well...interesting. I've only seen this once - when I accidentally used Ben-Gay instead of KY for masturbating.

The smell of a burning nutsack has turned me off to grilling for a while. I'll be boiling my bratwurst in water or beer now for a few months, at least.

...all of this happened as my bloody, well-manscaped junk hung out in the open for the doctor and his nurse. I wasn't expecting the nurse. I was hoping for a lesbian assistant or something...but NO.

Anyway, I'm not sure which part of the following two things that happened was more disturbing:

1) The doctor, upon removing my towel and seeing my shaved crotch, looks at me and says, "Hey...nice job down there!"

?!?!?

Um...thanks?

...or...

2) The doctor and the nurse start a conversation on guys coming into the office all manscaped. They comment on a 22-year old who came in the day before. The nurse looks at the doctor, her face lights up, and she says:

"Wow..he was NICE looking."

Great. Now I know (KNOW) my little guys are part of some global junk-comparison between patients. I wonder who won the pool on me.

(In the backroom, a nurse checks her square and jumps up yelling, "It's me! It's me! I had 5 inches length and 2 inches girth!")

..ugh...

Anyway, big thanks to everyone for their well-wishes. I'm settling in tonight to watch Game 2 of the World Series (go Sox!) with a partly frozen crotch. I'll be popping my first Vicoden around 9:30.

Ice in my crotch.

Vicoden.

World Series.

Wife waiting on me hand and foot (thanks, hon!)...

..other than getting my nuts sliced open, not a bad day, really.

20 comments:

Narm said...

So you got to eat candy AND wet the willy? Why are you complaining again?

Greeneyezz said...

I'm a woman and even *I* felt your pain! ;)

But you did get to eat the candy.

~ZZ

Christina_the_wench said...

I would have freaked seeing smoke come from ANY part of my body. That's just not right. Gotta give you props for going through with it.

Wanna see my c-section scar? Btw, when you have 3, they give you a coupon for a vasectomy for the spouse. Bonus.

LBluca77 said...

Your wife is hilarious, she should blog too. Or do a guest post.

Becky..AMHW said...

I didn't get to watch any smoke from my sterilization procedure because they had to put me under. They inserted a breathing tube too, SOP at the hospital I had it done at, so waking up hoarse was awesome.

What was also awesome is that I woke and found they'd given me an enema while I was out. Tube in one end, tube in the other. I'm just glad no one confused the two.

I have a photo of my procedure on my blog. Where is yours?

moooooog35 said...

Narm: Apparently, you missed the part about "my balls were on fire."

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Greeneyezz: Yes - because nothing cures testicular pain better than chocolate.

Or not having it in the first place.

Christina: Buy 3 C-sections and get a vasectomy free? I think I saw that same ad in the Super Saver.

lbluca: I have not a single idea why she doesn't comment on here. I think it's because she doesn't want to encourage my behavior.

She has a point.

Becky: Um..which procedure do you have pictures of? The sterilization or the enema? Actually - doesn't matter...I don't want to see either.

fiona said...

Great Balls of Fire you(r) poor "wee"
thing(s)!
Still punishing "the twins" for "Big/Wee Jims" behavior is a bit loud.
He gets to "work" whilst the "twins" sit on ice? No fair.

Poetry Sue said...

How much wieght did you gain from the candy? If I gave my self chocolate after everytime I took care of business, They would have to have a reality show about me on discovery health:
"Morbidly Obese: A tale of self gratification and chocolate"

Poetry Sue said...

How much wieght did you gain from the candy? If I gave my self chocolate after everytime I took care of business, They would have to have a reality show about me on discovery health:
"Morbidly Obese: A tale of self gratification and chocolate"

Chris Wood said...

Well, that's a special thing to celebrate. Yikes.

Knight said...

She gave you candy? One would think offering assistance would be a better reward.
I suppose 3 Musketeers is a good candy name to have in mind while abusing Mr. Wiggly. She could have used Milky Way or better yet Snickers.

rs27 said...

my friend just hd his vasectomy reversed.

The lesson here? Women are stupid.

AngieSS said...

Hahaha I'm sorry. I can barely speak right now I'm laughing so hard. Mooog. I'm sorry you had to have your nuts cut, but it made for a "laugh til your sides hurt" post. Thanks!

moooooog35 said...

Fiona: what..language is that?

Poetry: luckily, I'm like a little jackhammering rabbit. So, calories in are completely gone quickly. I may write a book.

Chris: Yeah. I'm going out for balloons later.

Knight: Good point. I would have preferred "Chunky" or "Whoppers."

rs27: Your friend just had a needle in his balls TWICE. I think you have the 'stupid' gender backwards, my friend.

Angie: Anytime I can undergo testicular surgery for a laugh, you can count on me...

...to run...to run LIKE HELL.

HeyJoe said...

"Vicodin."

"World Series."

"Wife waiting on me hand and foot"

Why can't EVERY day be like this?

If memory serves, I had mine done on December 26th – a little late Christmas gift to myself.

Mike said...

My last kid was born 18 years ago (that my wife knows about) and the Dr. told her that she couldn't have any more kids after that and that I should get a vasectomy.

I asked why I had to get a vasectomy when she was the one with the problem. Obviously the Dr's were not impressed with my question.

Anyway, I still got out of it by crying non-stop until my wife finally gave in and decided to get her tubes tied.

I showed that bitch who was boss.

I am so glad my wife doesn't read any blogs.

Malach the Merciless said...

RERUNS! RERUNS!!

meleah rebeccah said...

"seeing smoke coming from your crotch is...well...interesting. I've only seen this once - when I accidentally used Ben-Gay instead of KY for masturbating.

The smell of a burning nutsack has turned me off to grilling for a while. I'll be boiling my bratwurst in water or beer now for a few months, at least."



Omigod. Only YOU could make something that terrible sofa king funny.

I am NEVER going to ask any of my future 'mates' to go through this!

Olly said...

Yup, nothing like the smell of your own flesh burning to put you off barbequing for a while. I had Lasik done on my eyes a few years ago and really wasn't prepared for being able to smell my eyeballs roasting. Thank God they had given my valium first.

I like the chocolate advent calender idea. I wish I had thought of that when my husband had his little proceedure. Instead...um....well....It was kinda up to me. Nuff said!

catscratch said...

Bless your heart again. Im having flashbacks for ya.

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