Punishing the Wife for 13 Years and Counting | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Punishing the Wife for 13 Years and Counting

1989: The year my mullet died.

1989 was also the year that I met my wife.

I was 20.

She was 16.

16.


Had "To Catch a Predator" been around in 1989, I would probably be writing this to you from my jail cell...

...getting a reach-around from my soulmate, Lou.

He has gentle hands when he remembers to moisturize.


If you're interested in reading about how we met, you can click here:

"A Guy, Some Booze, and Two Broken Feet - A Love Story"

...why that isn't the title of a Harlequin Romance Novel yet, I have NO idea.

I'd even pose for the cover.

(Actual Size)

We were married in 1995 in a torrential downpour - complete with lighting and thunder.

Picture. Perfect.


For those of you counting, that's a six-year courtship (two of which were illegal in 46 states).

How we managed to actually GET married is still a mystery, because everything that could have gone wrong in the wedding planning actually did.

This includes, but is not limited to:

1) The reception hall taking our deposit, then 3 months later deciding to turn into a Country Music Line-Dancing facility.

When the wife and I learned of this, we immediately called them up.

Us: "WHAT THE F*CK?!?!"

Manager: "Before you jump to conclusions and cancel your reception, just come in and see the changes."

We did.

Upon entering the building, we were immediately greeted by an 18-foot wooden cowboy.

Nice.

The giant cattle horns and the half-Cadillac hanging from the wall added an especially majestic and story-book feel to the place.


Us: "We'd like our f*cking money back, par'dner."

I hate country.


2) Our photographer decided a month before the wedding to give up photography and join the Coast Guard

Asshole.

Defend the country later, you douche.

I look AWESOME in this tux...it MUST be captured on film!!


We DID manage to get married, however - popping out two kids in the process...

...having a lot of laughs...

...and a shitload of fun.

Happy Anniversary, Jen.

I love you.

By the way...

...this is your present.

You're welcome.

21 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

Cheap ass. At least get her some liquor.

Happy anniversary you two!

Malicious Intent said...

Let your wife know I'll be over tonight to hold your tiny ass down so she can properly beat the shit out of you. OH, and put on your wedding tux, will make it all that much more romantic.

Narm said...

Whoa, Moooooog - don't blow your wad - how are you going to top this next year?

Mike said...

What the f**k is wrong with you? If you start giving your wife presents, all of our wives are going to expect it. Don't give your wife anything no matter how much of a cheap ass you are.

Christ, I am so glad I forbid my wife from reading. If she ever found out about this whole present thing on anniversaries, I would be in deep shit.

And why does it come out f**k on your blog when I type it right. That's not how you spell it.

catscratch said...

Cheapskate.

I kick your ass if you didn't give me more than some mere mention of my name in the next to last sentence in a post.

Chris Wood said...

Nothing says "I love you" like a blog post, you old romantic, you.

I agree, nothing sets the tone like an 18 foot wooden cowboy.

Becky..AMHW said...

I was barely 18 and in highschool and my husband was 23 when we met. All the girls were jealous cuz I was dating the hot ex army college guy with sexy sand desert storm boots and the high and tight haircut. Booyah.

The boyfriend I had before him...that was way illegal.

HeyJoe said...

The Happy Anniversary blog post - a gift that keeps on giving.

Your love is special, Moog. All I got my wife was an E-card. I suck, which explains why she doesn't.

Congrats.

LBluca77 said...

Your wife sounds like one lucky lady.

Happy Anniversary!

moooooog35 said...

Christina: Liquor? I damn near killed her!

Thank you! Thank you!

MI: Wow - who's present is THAT?

Narm: Yeah - I know. This shit's tough to top.

Mike: I was gonna write something in pig latin, but I got lost after 'ixnay.' This has nothing to do with your comment.

Sorry.

Catscratch: So lost. So lost.

Chris: The only thing more romantic is a 19 foot cowboy. And I ain't goin' to Texas for that.

Becky: Wow. My wife's would be '..all my girlfriends were jealous cuz I was dating the short, 130-pound guy with a mullet..'

I'm guessing they weren't that jealous.

HeyJoe: Had me a little homo-erotic there with the 'your love is special' comment.

Be careful next time. Sometimes that shit sticks.

lbluca: Yep. She's lucky. Or unlucky. It's one of those two at least.

Mike said...

Awwwwwwwwwwww... how special.

At least you didn't get her a bowling ball or a cordless drill.

You're just not going to get sex. The beating will be forgone this year.

Olly said...

What did she get you?

coffeypot said...

Happy Anniversary!

Did you ever eat your candybar?

moooooog35 said...

Mike: shhh...I DO have a cordless drill for her. Don't tell anyone. Big surprise!

Olly: Once a week, she gives me a couple of hours on my XBox to play "Lego Batman." That's good enough.

Coffeypot: You know, no. By the time I get around to eating that f*cking thing it will have expired.

rs27 said...

If I get married at a country line dancing place I will consider it a success.

Hungry Mother said...

I just pick a card in the ACME, call my wife over to read it, kiss her, and put the card back.

Luckily, my wife isn't smart enough to click through to my bloglist to get to your blog to see what other guys do.

fiona said...

Happy Anniversary!
Nice to see you getting in touch with your more "feminine" side.lol

meleah rebeccah said...

Happy Anniversary.

That was 'The Best' story ever told and should totally be a Harlequin Romance Novel

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice big spender!

Adam said...

Happy Anniversary!

Those pics are awesome.

Adam
WoW Fail Blog

Simply Curious said...

Personally, I think this was adorable, and extremely romantic and thoughtful. I'm sure his wife loved it. I know I would.

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