My Grabby Bunghole | Mental Poo

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My Grabby Bunghole


Maybe the little guy is hungry.

Let me explain.

It’s something that I’ve noticed recently…

… and is curbing towards a disturbing trend in my daily poo activities.

I have a grabby bunghole.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but for the past several weeks I’ve noticed that during my post-poo ass wiping, my asshole grabs the toilet paper as it’s going by.

Me: “I’m wiping…I’m wiping…I’m wiping wiping wiping…I’m…what the…?”

*rriiiiiiiiiiipp*

As my hand deftly goes by "Mr. Brown", he grabs the toilet paper and rips off a little piece.

And, yes…I have an ass-wiping song.


Why, bumhole? WHY?

Why must you grab at my poopy paper and feel the urge to keep some for yourself?

Are you hungry now, since you just purged?

Sometimes, when this happens, I swear I hear in a tiny little voice as the paper is being torn:

“Num num num num num”


So, yeah…maybe he’s hungry.

Doesn’t matter…I now have a stray piece of TP that needs removal.

Me: “Sonofabitch.”

Guy in next stall: “Can you stop singing and talking, please?”

Now I have to do some disgusting maneuver where I drop the larger piece of TP, and have to try to expel the tiny ripped bit of paper – now held in a death-grip by my bunghole – by using some weird male Kegel exercise in reverse.

Nope.

Paper is still there.


“DAMN YOU, WEAK SPHINCTER!! WHY MUST YOU TAUNT ME?!?”

Guy in next stall: “For the love of God...Please stop.”

At this point, I have no other choice.

I have to use the skill and precision of a person playing the game “Operation” to try to remove the paper without getting poo on my hands.


“Don’t touch the sides…! OH NO!! You’ve got poopy hands!!”

Sometimes my nose lights up and a buzzer goes off. I’m not sure of the medical cause of this, but I may need to see a doctor about it.

While I’m there, I’ll have him inspect my grabby bunghole.

I hope he’s better at Operation than I am.

32 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I know we have this blog/blog reader relationship, but is this really necessary? I mean, there is a thing called giving too much.

You just ruined my Cinnamon Melt from McD's. Thank you.

mauniejames3 said...

OMG...perhaps you should have posted this later in the day,
Of course, I could have stopped reading but as disgusting as this is it's so funny too. So no breakfast for me today.

Narm said...

After all the Mexican food you have abused that thing with over the years you can't let it keep a tiny shred of dignity? You asshole.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Did you get the new "Cheese and Bacon Flavored" brand of toilet paper? I mean really who could resist Cheese and Bacon?

Hungry Mother said...

That was a little gross, but it woke me up.

The Doggy Did It said...

WOW...that really was WAY too much information before my morning coffee.

catscratch said...

Grabby Bunghole. You really need to submit that one to Wiki, too.

That phrase will go down as a classic.

Fizzgig said...

ha ha ha is it wrong if i say i can relate? ok then i wont say it.cus i switched to cottonelle.

I think of that whenever that charmin commercial is on, with the bears and the baby bear has tp peices stuck to his crapper?

Poetry Sue said...

Ahhh thats the best way to start the day.. nothing better than a good grabby bunghole and poopy finger story to get the day off on the right foot... or is it the left foot... *shrugs*

AngieSS said...

You know they say that some things should never, ever, EVER, be discussed! But I'm so thankful, on a daily basis Moooog, that you have no problems crossing the lines of decency in order to make me LMAO.

*oh, and thanks for ruining my Brad Pitt fantasy forever

Becky..AMHW said...

For god's sake, do us women have to show you how to properly fold a large wad of TP so you can avoid this? Your bung isn't hungry. Your wiping technique needs work!

Cleansing ever so gently with a wet wipe would solve this problem, leaving you squeaky clean and delightfully refreshed. People will wonder why you've got that twinkle in your eye.

Cheese and bacon TP...heh.

LBluca77 said...

Being that I am a dainty lady I have never had this problem.

Slick said...

LOL...maybe he just needs more filling????

Uh, I'm not available. Thanks, though ;)

fiona said...

Slap a steak in there and feed the fecker. No need to add steak sauce I'm thinking.
I'd visit Santa with the whole nose lighting up issue, you could be a candidate for Rudolph 2008.
A "stall" choir singing "Rudolph the red nosed Moogdeer had a steak between his cheeks" lovely!

Kellie said...

Moogpie the red nosed grabby bunghole. Nice. :)

HeyJoe said...

I will stand beside fizzgig and declare that you are not insane.

Grabby Bunghole is a very real, but closeted epidemic, the "true" silent killer. Oft times, said GB will even grab at the poop as it tries to escape, squeezing shut and effectively cutting said poop off at the knees, resulting in extra wiping duties. Or so I’ve read in the medical journals.

And now a joke:
Q: Why are turds tapered at the ends?
A: So your asshole doesn’t slam shut.

Mike said...

I thought I was going to far with poop jokes, but no.

You trump me every time.

Keep up the good work!

moooooog35 said...

Christina: I give because I care.

Maunie: I would love to have postponed this for later in the day, but some stories demand to be told!

This probably wasn't one of them.

Narm: Let it keep a shred of dignity? Isn't it enough that it's keeping a shred of my Charmin?

Ron: Like I'd waste 'Cheese n Bacon' toilet paper on my ass. I say, "more fiber!"

Hungry + Doggy: Good morning!

You're welcome.

Catscratch: If they won't accept 'Mooge', then I doubt 'Grabby Bunghole' has a chance.

Fizzgig: see that? I'm like a bear! A Pooh Bear!

Poetry: Feel free to make a poem out of this.

AngieSS: Brad Pitt? WHERE?!?

Becky: Sorry - no wet wipes near my ass. The only way my sphincter should be wet is if it gets spit on in prison.

That may be too much information.

lbluca: *coffee out my nose*

Slick: Isn't that WHY they call you 'slick?'

Fiona: Steak is an 'out' food.

Kellie: I think we're onto a new holiday hero!

heyJoe: poop has knees?!?

Mike: With the poop jokes, is it that I one-up you, or two-up you?

Olly said...

Ok, now I'm totally thankful that I didn't eat lunch at my desk today. Being a hater of Brad Pitt I think I'll frame that picture!

rs27 said...

It's about time we get to the bunghole stories. I've been waiting months.

Wait, that sounds bad.

Evil Genius said...

Dude, you are hysterical! I cannot come here and read your blog without rattling the windows from laughing so hard. Oh, and peeing my pants. I should start putting on a Depends before I read you.

Yeah. From now on, that's what I'm doing.

Damn you're funny!

weirdtales said...

That was funny, love a good poo story. I've experienced the opposite..where yer leavin' a shet(ya don't take 'em ya leave 'em) & ya think yer done
bout to stand up & nother wee turdle comes out
ya wipe again & it happens again..ten minutes later yer finally done after a whole feckin roll of TP and numerous flushes as not to plug up the crapper..I call it a Holy Roller!

meleah rebeccah said...

Baby Wipes. Or TUCKS.

Problem solved.

trust me.

c.watson said...

I just keeping thinking about that poor man in the next stall. Poor poor bastard.

Malicious Intent said...

You ass is trying to tell you to stop buying the cheap ass toilet paper and to get the triple quilted kind. Take a hint! And..stop being a cheap bastard and only give your ass the best!

If it's the tp at work, I suggest taking your own supply in and hiding it.

Midleah said...

Apparently, those who suggested that you use wet wipes haven't been around here long...maybe you should re-publish that post...it's one of my favorites anyway. I think it was one of the first ones I ever read.

Good times.

Malach the Merciless said...

just spread wide!

Mike said...

And to think, I could have easily gone the rest of my life without reading this.

But nope, I had to stop by.

Now I am going to need the Jaws Of Life to remove this image from my brain.

Greeneyezz said...

I think I'd like to be a fly on your monitor to watch you as you wrote this post.

Ya know, they've got medication for this kind of stuff! ;)

Happy Halloween Mooog! May you not get *shit* for candy this year!

~ZZ

Brunetta said...

May I suggest Sphincterine??

BM....ugh, I mean PS:
http://www.mintyass.com/

Brunetta said...

And to the previous poster:
If Moog does not correct this problem there will be MANY flies.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

:O

Smileygirl said...

I've finally learned never to eat while reading your blog so for once I'm not as disgusted as I could have been. But I probably won't eat for the rest of the day.

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