Dear Moog: My Town is Shiny!

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where people ask me stupid questions, in hopes of getting stupid answers.

Done and done.

Can I go home now?

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Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
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Today's letter comes from Malach over at "Dropping My Daily Stool Sample" (alas, there are no daily pictures of poo...so stop asking, Mom).

He writes:

Dear Moog,

Malach the Merciless here.

Question:

So on October 17th, 2008, I am walking my kids to school, and passing us the other way was a short chunky bald guy, looking like a young Danny Devito singing rather loudly, "I Kissed a Girl"...

(this version NOT this version)

...dancing in almost 1978 Micheal Jackson sort of way. Of course my 5 year old daughter loves that song, but that is a different story . .

Ok my question is, why were you walking down the North St in New Bedford MA at 7:30AM on October 17th singing that particular song? And shouldn't you have been heading to work?

Malach

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Dear Malach,

First, thanks for the letter.

I appreciate you taking some time from your day where you are usually playing “Everquest” to actually attempt conversation with another human being.

We’re all happy for you, as it seems that the 12-step program may actually be working.


Now, onto your question.

First, you f*cking dicklick, I’m not chunky.

Sure, I may have some extra “baggage” that looks like “fat” and is “hanging over my pants”…but that does not make me “chunky.”

Speaking of chunky, I sure could go for one of those delicious candy bars.

Chocolate. Raisins. Nuts.

DAMMIT!! FOCUS!!


Secondly, I have never actually heard that song.

Nor do I know every single word to it, especially the parts about her "cherry Chap Stick" and how "she hopes her boyfriend doesn’t mind."

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Thirdly, I’m not even sure where New Bedford is.

Is it near Old Bedford?

Why did they feel the need to improve Bedford?

Did it smell?

When people rode Bedford down the street, did the wheels squeak and they figured it was just cheaper to get a New Bedford rather than fix up the old one?

What did they do with the Old Bedford? Did they drop it off in the back of a Salvation Army store in the middle of the night even though the sign EXPLICITY SAYS “NO DROPPING OFF OF OLD TOWNS AFTER HOURS.”

Just curious.


So, no. That wasn’t me.

Wait – did you say October 17th?

Nevermind.

It was me.

But I still take offense to the "chunky" remark.

Dick.

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There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.