Dipping My Wick | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dipping My Wick


Shit like this is why I don't work for the Yankee Candle Company.

Let me explain.

Back in September, the wife and I had taken the kids to Clark's Trading Post here in New Hampshire.

Clark's Trading Post slogan:
"Yeah...You think you're bored now?"

Why am I bringing this back up now?

Well, during the Christmas break, my wife had hung up the "Santa Key" on a hook over our kitchen counter.

For those of you who don't know what a "Santa Key" is, it's a key for Santa to get into your house in the event that you don't have a chimney.

Why all my male neighbors have Santa keys to my house, I'm still unclear on.


Regardless, I wish someone would have thought of this shit when I was a kid, because it would have saved me this trauma:

Me: "Dad, how does Santa come into our house?"

Dad: "He comes down the chimney, of course."

We lived in a two-family home at the time.

No fireplace.

I wasn't stupid.

I was fat and out of shape and ate roast beef sandwiches for a 'snack' after school, but I was not stupid.

* I look at the chimney


Me: "WHAT?! BUT OUR CHIMNEY LEADS TO THE FURNACE!! HE'LL DIE, DAD!! HE'LL DIE A HORRIBLE, FIERY DEATH!!"

I believe a beating with a belt followed shortly.

Stupid Schlitz.

You made my daddy mean.

I've gone off topic.


Regardless, we have a Santa Key...and my wife hung it up on the wall over the counter...

...right next to the homemade candles.

Yep.

Homemade candles.

Ugh.

One of the things we did at Clark's Trading Post was go into one of the "General Stores."

They call these stores "General Stores" because they are stores full of "generally useless shit."


In this store, right smack-dab in the middle, was a bunch of wax where you could pay to make your own candles.

They give you wicks, you dip them in wax, you go home with candles that you will never, ever use in your entire lifetime.

You pay for this privilege.

WE paid for this privilege.

I wasn't stupid before.

I apparently AM stupid now.

I WANT A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH!!

Sorry. Old habits.

My wife stood on one side of the vats of colored wax with my daughter, Payton.

I stood on the other side with my son, Cam.

* queue porn music

Woops. Wrong music.

* queue Clint Eastwood 'Hang 'em High' duel music

That's right.

IT WAS ON!

Deftly...carefully...we dipped each candle into the many colors.

RED!

* dip

BLUE!

* dip

ORANGE!

* dip


FRENCH!

* dip

mmmm...French Dip. One of my favorite after school snacks.

Not sure why I put little exclamation marks there...it really wasn't that exciting.

My wife and daughter proudly held up their candle:


Ooooh.

They went the patriotic look...nice division of colors...

...excellent contrast...

...even tone.

Purdy.

Wife: "Okay...let's see yours."

Me: "No."

Wife: "Let me see it."

Me: "No."

Ironically, we have this same conversation every Saturday night, but it's usually me doing the asking.

Wife: "SHOW ME THE CANDLE."

She's mean to me.

Fine.

I showed her our candle:


* cricket

That is our actual candle.

Apparently, we made a piece of wax poo.

I have no idea how we managed to get it this excellent shade of complete and utter blackness...without an ounce of color anywhere on it.

But we did.

Me: "Not too good, is it, Cam?"

Cam: "No. Not good at all."

I never cease to disappoint my son.

But he ain't seen nothing yet.

Wait til I start drinking Schlitz.

30 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I am a candle whore and I cried when I read this. The horror...

And I ate a roast beef sandwich in your honor.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Please, please don't write like that. If you have to; add a Governemt Health warning like "Do not read this if you are drinking hot coffee, it could be dangerous to your health and wellbeing!"

That was hilarious, now i have to go make more coffee!

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com/

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Beware the Schlitz Schitz. Nothing like firing off a nasty beer candle (see what I did there?) after a long night of drinking really mediocre Midwestern lager.

Actually, Schlitz probably would have won the lager wars of the 70s and been America's top brand if they hadn't tried to cut corners to get product onto the market faster. Apparently, for a while, when you'd crack open a Schlitz, it would turn into beer jello upon prolongued exposure to air. And old Joseph turned over in his grave a half dozen times.

Mike said...

Are you trying to tell me in a round about way that roast beef sandwiches aren't a snack?

Nonsense, poopy pants.

coffeypot said...

I rate candles right up there with potpourri. You know, the bags of chopped up leaves and yard trash that women use to cover up the odor of dogs and farts and cat piss.

Becky..AMHW said...

When are you scheduling your next Satanic ritual? I'd like to come. I haven't worn my goth corset and bustled skirt for a while.

GeologyJoe said...

nice counter tops.

Mike said...

I would be even more impressed if you also simulated the smell.

Blonde Goddess said...

I burn candles but only for ritualistic cleansing ceremonies.

I actually encourage the cats to piss in my house as it discourages my mother from visiting.

The candle looks great Moog. Kind of like an uncircumcised Jolly Green Giant pecker.

Giggle Pixie said...

Oh my! That candle looks fit for a Satanic ritual. Is there anything you need to tell us?

fiona said...

Freudian repression.
That's all I have to say!
Poor Mooog :-(

HeyJoe said...

Candles have become the Tupperware of the new millennium.

Think about THAT for a minute or two. I’ll be over here smoking a fatty.

Poetry Sue said...

I love poop scented candles. they get rid of that horrible fresh clean smell I have in my house

meleah rebeccah said...

you had me laughing out loud with the perfect use of 'Webkinz'

LOL

Kellie said...

Your candle poo is completely appropriate for your blog. So it's perfect!

And now I'm thinking Arby's.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: You're a candle whore? What is that? Does your coochie smell like Evergreen or Warm Apple Crisp?

Great. Now I want warm apple crisp.

AV: I own stock in Folger's.

mjenks: Wow, dude. Quite the tangent.

Mike: Not if you're 8.

coffeepot: how many pets does this chick have?!?!

Becky: Friday..promptly at 11:30. It's BYOC (Bring your own cat).

GeoJoe: Thanks! I'll tell the manufacturer you said so. He'll be thrilled.

Or not care.

One of those two.

Mike: I did. But you have to get really really close to your own ass to get it.

BG: You use candles to douche?

Giggle: Nothing I need to tell you that your missing pets can't.

Fiona: Oh! Now I get my own title!

HeyJoe: Thanks for the tip. Going to try to store my old chicken nuggets in a Yankee Candle tonight.

Wish me luck!

Poetry Sue: Just save the money and leave the bathroom door open. Works for me.

Meleah: You laughed? really?

* puts down one tally mark on wall

Kellie: Arby's is not roast beef.

I'll be stopping by there with a new delivery for them shortly after my ritual Friday night.

Helpful tip.

LiLu said...

One of my favorite pictures from college is me pounding Schlitz in the flatbed of a jacked-up truck, tailgaiting at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.

That I got kicked out of.

......

I'm an effing champ.

rs27 said...

I didn't know they called wax candles "tampons"

Meghan said...

The one candle looks like a popsicle and I would be liable to eat it when drunk. If there were no roast beef sandwiches around.

LBluca77 said...

HAHA One of your funniest posts ever!!!!
Ok but seriously when you light it it does not smell like poo right? If so then I guess that is a good way to guarantee that you will never have any visitors.

Malach the Merciless said...

You could of shaped it like a penis, a bears penis to keep it appropriate for Clarks.

Loni's World said...

LOL Funny!! POO Candle is SWEET! haha
Love the santa key :)

Chickie said...

Just what Santa wants to see when he gets his key.

Narm said...

At least your wife isn't the only family member you disappoint.

This comment was about as well done as your candle.

Bon Don said...

Santa Key huh!?...THAT IS THE BEST IDEA EVER! I can't get in trouble right?

moooooog35 said...

LiLu: ...and it's posted...where?

rs27: Only at Madame Tousseau's.

Meghan: Thanks for the visual of you deep throating a candle.

No. Seriously.

Thank you.

Lbluca: We dare not light it for that very same fear.

Malach: But, then it would look like your house.

Loni: Poo candle is sweet? Can't wait to see THAT show up in my search terms.

Chickie: fuck Santa if he can't take a joke.

Narm: No...I spread my disappointment to all.

Just like my genital warts.

BonDon: Porn is the best idea ever. The Santa Key is maybe third or fourth behind blow up dolls.

saratogajean said...

Mmm, I bet your candle smells delicoius.

Gwen said...

Satan called and said he thinks you did a lovely job making your candle.

Smileygirl said...

What's with the little nubbin on the bottom??? Again, please don't turn this into another sick and twisted sex joke.

Your cookie and candle making skills SUCK!

Patyrish said...

that candle ROCKED!

At least the color was uniform throughout right?

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