My Wife....She Taunts Me | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 08, 2009

My Wife....She Taunts Me

My wife REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to stay out of my fucking medicine cabinet.

If not for today's reason, then for this one.

Now...back to our regularly scheduled program:

*****************
Today, on a very special episode of "Mental Poo"...

Erectile Dysfunction.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I would like to take a break from the usual topics discussed here on "Mental Poo"...

(i.e., lesbians, Scarlett Johansson, imagining Scarlett Johansson as a lesbian, masturbation (see also: lesbians and Scarlett Johansson), and - of course - poo)

...to discuss the pain and stigma of Erectile Dysfunction.


I feel better now.

Back to E.D.

Erectile Dysfunction is a subject that's close to my heart.

Actually, this is not so much closer to my heart as it is to my taint.

But, whatever.


To help me discuss this topic, I've enlisted the sponsorship of a leading speaker on the subject.

Mr. E.D himself.



I know you were probably thinking I'd bring out this guy:


But..seriously...

The guy has ONE working hand. ONE.

Of COURSE no one is going to want to have sex with you, idiot.

Cripples aren't sexy.

Well...at least OLD GUY cripples.

If Scarlett ever gets the "Tonya Harding Treatment" done to her by a vindictive Sarah Jessica Parker, then this opinion takes a total 180.

(Don't worry Sarah...at some point, the "long and hideous face" look will be all the rage and Scarlett will be pummeling YOU out of jealousy)



Having just turned the corner at age 40, I can tell you that my Mr. Wiggly has had his share of hardships.

Well...softships is more like it.

Suffering through this has been an emotional rollercoaster for both me and my dog.

I mean me and my WIFE.

Honey, seriously - I meant you. Lexi and I have NOTHING going on between us.

Phew.

I think I dodged a bullet there.


Regardless...In all seriousness, I've been fighting this for a while.

Everytime this happens, my wife and I both go through the same thought:

"Rodney sucks."

Well...besides that.

As much as I tell my wife that it's not her fault (she is very beautiful, and I love her very much), I don't think that she believes me.

But it's not her.

I have no idea what it is.

But it tears at me.

It rips me apart inside.

I feel like less of a man (which is tough when you're only 5'2" tall and barely make the criteria for "man" to begin with).


In an effort to squelch this, I've turned to the typical prescription pills.

And I also turned to the aftermarket pills...

...the "enhancers" and the "stimulants."

Some of which work, and some of which do not.

However, I CAN tell you - all of you who suffer from this and the woman (or fruity gay men) who stand by their man's side...

...that ONE thing, and ONE thing only can help.

It's support.

The strong support of your loved ones can help this go away.

And so this, folks...

THIS is why I still have this problem.

I opened my medicine cabinet the other day to find...

THIS (click to enlarge):


*sigh*

"Wiggly Won't Work Pills"

Thanks, hon.

That should help.

You know, the dog wouldn't do this.

Yeah, I said it.

32 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've always vowed that, should this happen to me, I'm going to make my wife stand on her head and I'll dip it in.

PkmnTrainerJ said...

I think this is the first time I've felt more sorry for you than actually laughed. Thanks for letting me know what I've got to look forward to in 20 years. Also, as this is my first comment, even though I've been reading for over a year, I wanted to say thanks for all the laughs I've had at your and your family's mishaps. I'm going to carry on reading. :-)

HeyJoe said...

I don't know whether or not to make fun of you or sympathize. DAMN YOU FOR PUTTING ME BETWEEN THIS COCK AND A SOFT PLACE

Thinkinfyou said...

Sorry about your sad Mr. Happy. Hope he gets up and moving soon!!!

meleah rebeccah said...

Mr Happy Will Be Just Fine!

BTW
Scarlett Johansson = SUPER HOTNESS

Knight said...

When you said support from the loved ones I thought you meant holding it up for you. Have you tried naming Wiggly something a little more masculine?

Kellie said...

Awww. Your poor Wiggly. You need to name him Pricess Sophia and then he will stand at attention. Or no wait. I've got it the wrong way around. You should name him King Kroll. Yes. That's it. King Kroll the Warrior King. That is a manly name. He will for sure go for that.
(If you don't recognize this then you've missed a great movie. Even if it is considered a chick flick, it's hilarious.)

Narm said...

My favorite part of fucking the dog is the way he drags his ass on the carpet for the next half hour.

Ya know what i mean???

Moooooog?

Hello?

fiona said...

Mr Wiggly just needs a good beating!
Naughty Mr Wiggly.

Mike said...

I had the same problem until I discovered Thai hookers. Now it all makes sense.

LBluca77 said...

If I was a guy and I looked at a picture of Scarlett my wiggly would not stand at attention either.

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice that you share this, how much they pay you?

Alaina said...

I'd get along with your wife. That's my kind of support.

moooooog35 said...

Mjenks: Your wife lets me do it that way even when I DON'T have this problem.

PkmnTrainer: Is that name short for Pokemon Trainer? So YOU'RE the guy who makes Picachu so fucking kick ass?

HeyJoe: Weren't you in between a cock and a soft place at that gay orgy?

ThinkinofYou: Saying sorry is one thing...kissing him better is another.

Thanks in advance.

Meleah: I smell catfight between you and lbluca!

I'm SO videotaping this.

Knight: He was once named, "The Hammer," but then that song "Can't touch this" came out and ruined everything.

Narm: You're not doing it right. You wipe her off with the cat when you're done.

Fiona: Lady...like, 5 times a day. Maybe he doesn't like the abuse.

Mike: I should check into that. Last time I looked at the menu, they only offered Pad Thai.

Lbluca: Go see Meleah. You need a beating.

I have you scheduled for 2 pm.

DON'T BE LATE OR IT WILL BE WORSE FOR YOU!

Malach: I KNEW I should have done the "Kennedy Rape Trial Blue Dot" thing.

Alaina: All the chicks are ganging up on me.

Hold on...hold on...

BONER!

Mike said...

OR

You could try two popsicle sticks and some electrical tape.

I wouldn't know though.

I'm not 31.5 years old yet ;)

Becky..AMHW said...

You've got balls man...balls. So you need a mislabeled box of pills? You still have cajones.

And I'd totally do Bob Dole. I think he'd give good...um...mouth love. Elizabeth is a lucky woman.

Blink. I need a moment.

Susan said...

Oh my god. I don't know what's funnier now... your wife or your medicine cabinet descriptive post from July. I am not kidding, but I'm laughing OUT LOUD. Is it ok for me to link you on a day you're announcing your personal challenge of ED??? I have to share you. Thanks for the laughs,and let me say your wife is a sure keeper!

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Electrical tape is painful.

Don't ask me how I know this.

Becky: I think we're all more than willing to stand back and let you be by yourself.

Susan: I personally challenge my ED every day. Hand-to-hand combat.

Actually, just hand combat.

Susan said...

Ok, I'm about to publish a post introducing you. Not like i have a huge following, but I couldn't help myself.

Dr Zibbs said...

Nice kiss up there.

Malicious Intent said...

Wow, that lower than even I would go. You poor bastard.

Try the pump, I hear it works wonders

PkmnTrainerJ said...

Indeed it does moog. I am that guy.

catscratch said...

Awww.
At least you WANT it to work. My man could give a crap less about sex.

Malicious Intent said...

Oh, I also refer back to my 2008 Moooog speical award, The Little Wiggly that Could and Now Can't Award.

Hmmmmmm, guess I did go that low didn't I??

Malicious Intent said...

P.S. I think I am begining to really dig your wife. She needs a blog.

Malicious Intent said...

P.S.S I did a shitty job on my blog yesterday. I think I fixed it...gave you a shout out...sorta anyway.

LiLu said...

I'm laughing with you.

Swear.

Katie said...

Step #1: stop surfing the net looking for pictures of SJP. That should help 99% right there.

PS. I adore your wife.

The Offended Blogger said...

I AM SO GLAD that I'm not of the penile persuasion but if I were I'd never admit that my junk was broken.

You are more of a man than me. :)

The Offended Blogger said...

Erm, well, you know.. if I WAS a man.

Which I am not.

I just have big kahunas. :)

moooooog35 said...

Susan: Wow. You're like my pimp, except you beat me less.

Please don't beat me.

Dr. Zibbs: Hey - I know where my sex 12 times a year comes from...don't you worry.

MI: I use a hand pump.

Pkmn: Your business is now going to triple. You're welcome.

MI: Measure twice, cut once. Learn it. Live it.

LiLu: That's what my therapist says, too.

Katie: That's like asking me to stop downloading fat porn. Disgusting, yes...but, hey...still porn.

OB: Male readers no longer take your word for it. We demand - no, no - we RESPECTFULLY DEMAND visual proof!

Thanks in advance.

Practically Joe said...

How much for the dawg?

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