Dyslexia, Thy Name is Llabeeks | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Dyslexia, Thy Name is Llabeeks


News flash:

Dyxlesia runs rampart at Harvard!!

How do I know this?

HOW DO I KNOW THIS?!?!

Three fucking hours on Christmas Eve spent trying to put together a fucking Skeeball table for my kids proved it to me.

The wife and I had gone to Sears and bought the kids a Harvard Skeeball table for Christmas to use in the downstairs play room.

Because my kids actually PLAY down there, I had to wait until the very last minute to assemble the 5,000 pound fucking thing.


On a related note:

Dragging a 5,000 pound, 9-foot cardboard box through your muddy, snowy back yard is a wonderful vocabulary experience for your neighbor's kids.

Neighbor's kid the next day: "Daddy, what's a fucking fuckhole shitfuck cocklicking fucknut?"

Neighbor: "That would be your mother."


So, on Christmas Eve morning, my daughter had left for school and my wife was dropping my son off at Kindergarten at 9 a.m.

Wife: "He'll be back home at noon. Make sure you're done."

Me: *expletive under my breath

(she beats me)


9:01 a.m:

Me: "Step 1...attach piece B22 to piece P19 using screws H3 as shown."

I look at all the pieces I've arranged on the floor.

Each piece has a small, round sticker with a part number written on it in pen.

This should be easy.

9:30 a.m:

Me: "MOTHER OF CHRIST WHERE THE FUCK IS P19?!?!?"

Yes.

In approximately 30 minutes, I've managed to not get past goddamn Step #1...

...because I can't find P19.

I begin the process of going through ALL the pieces, one at a time, to try to find that fucking P19.

On a related note:

If the kids don't play with this fucking thing, I shall kill them.

9:50 a.m:

Almost an hour into this fun-fucking-tastic assembly adventure...

...I've laid out all of the pieces to try to find the elusive "P19."

There's one piece left.

I look at the sticker on it.

It looks like this:


You. Fucker.

Me: "PIP?!? I've been looking for PIP?!?!?"

Yep.

PIP.

The stupid fuckshit who was SUPPOSED to write "P19" on the sticker instead wrote something that looked like:

PIP

I looked at that thing at least 20 times in the course of almost an hour and figured:

"Naaaah...must be P11 or something...the guy's pen must have slipped."

Nope.

The guy was just a fucking moron who somehow managed to write the number 9 backwards.

Although, I suppose, this is why his full time job is to write part numbers on stickers instead of checking my colon for polyps.


On the bright side, there was no instruction that said:

"Attach piece SbdZ52 to piece 6b9PZ25S."

My guess is that I'd still be there today...a decaying corpse with a skeeball in each hand and a look of:

"Why...?"

...on my face.

Oh...lookie here:

"Made in the USA."

How comforting.

I fear for our future.

Especially in the year 200P.

Asshole.

30 comments:

Mike said...

5000 moooog pounds is actually about 20 regular pounds.

Sucks being a near midget eh?

LBluca77 said...

When I have kids I am going to make them put the toys they ask for together themselves. That will teach them to ask for stuff.

Becky..AMHW said...

You mark your polyps with labeling stickers?

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Hello? I'm a superhuman.

Idiot.

Lbluca: You go girl!

* Everyone at work is looking at me know because I did the z-snap.

Again.

Becky: you don't?

Narm said...

I used to think they were called Skeet ball tables. Which Urban Dictionary tells me are a very very different thing.

Kellie said...

Okay, you've got me laughing and now reading Narm's comment I'm laughing even more.

Down these females crawl, down, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

Wow. I'm totally inappropriate.

Betty said...

I was referred over by Meleaha @http://mommamiameaculpa.com/
She was right this blog is great! Very funny. Keep up the great work. :)

Christina_the_wench said...

It was probably some drunk frat boy who wrote that label. And yes, he is laughing his ass off right now at you.

Becky..AMHW said...

I mark my polyps with sequins, fabulous fabulous sequins.

Oscar said...

This is why I pay someone to assemble stuff. LOL

What, can't you read chinese handwriting!


Funny post!

Guess who sent me, - although I've been here before - giving her props.

AngieSS said...

LMFAO

He's either dyslexic or he hates his job and wants to fuck with unsuspecting consumers! At least the part was in there. I usually get home with the product and something is missing...then you have to box it up again and take it back. Argh!

Thanks for the big laugh mooog -- I really needed it. :)

moooooog35 said...

Narm: This is EXACTLY why I never buy the store demo.

Kellie: Relax...you're here. Inappropriate is the norm.

On a related note, never accept an invitation to go 'skeet shooting' with a gay man.

Don't ask me how I know this.

Betty: Welcome! You left your morals at home, right?

Christina: Actually...most frat boys think that said '919.'

Becky: Yet another fabulous use of your Bedazzler.

Angie: I was SO ready to find out that this was made in China or some other third world country. Surprise, surprise...we have idiots here, too.

HeyJoe said...

Just one more reason to burst the Santa bubble; shit don't have to be assembled on Chirstmas Eve.

On a side note - your kids were still in school on Christmas Eve Day? Where do you live, Naziville?

Bon Don said...

It's offical I will now sign my checks with 200P!
Love it!
and loves me some "skeet balls too"

What?

*Bon Don*

Random Chick said...

Meleah told me to come here and visit.

She's right. You're funny!!!

moooooog35 said...

HeyJoe: Yeah..my kids had school on December 24th...which is not a goddamn holiday, by the way.

Where do you live, fucking Bethlehem?

Bon Don: can't wait to see the search results after all this skeet talk.

Thanks for playing!

Random Chick: Let this be a lesson to you all: bribes work. Thanks for coming!

Knight said...

Maybe the dude was listening to Gladys Knight on his Ipod while doing the Pip moves and he got distracted.
Maybe he was reading Great Expectations on his smoke break.

Maybe he has arthritis from all that skeeballin' and figured his backwards 9 would only cost you an extra minute or two.

meleah rebeccah said...

I cannot stop laughing at this post.

catscratch said...

I want a damn skee ball game. And I'll pay you to put it together.

Malach the Merciless said...

Why even read the directions? Do it the Portugese way.

Jen said...

I almost peed laughing at this.

I have refused to look at directions since I put together the swingset that was made in china. I figure I can wing it much better than they (people making the directions and not just chinese people) can write directions. If I have a few parts left over I throw them in a Ball jar "just in case".

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Please, when you post such stuff, include the Govt Health Warning "Drinking HOT coffee while reading this can and will be hazardous to your health and wellbeing!"

PIP, you were looking for PIP... LOL

I loved it.

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/

moooooog35 said...

Knight: All those 'maybe's' won't give me those three hours back.

I want that guy's head on a stick.

Great.

Now I want teriyaki.

Meleah: if symptoms persist, see your doctor immediately.

Malach: The Portuguese way? What's that? Like, making eat while eating smelts and smoked sausage?

Jen: Always good to know I contribute to one's incontinence.

AG: I'm waiting for Obama to be sworn in to write it so I don't neglect any fucking liberals.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Oh my goodness!!! lol

Hungry Mother said...

One year I had to assemble a Barbie Townhouse after the kids got to bed on Christmas Eve. I spent several hours sweating over that project. I was sick in bed all of Christmas Day.

LiLu said...

Sucks being a man, huh? All we have to do is push the kid out. Too bad there's not an epidural for putting together random children's fun devices... oh wait. It's call scotch.

:-)

Susan said...

I don't know who you are but stumbled upon you through Crown of Thistles and this is the funniest fucking post I have ever read. I was literally wiping tears and laughing out loud! I needed this today, so thank you. And for your kids' sake, I hope they played with the table...if it's even realy built yet.

binks said...

Susan (see above comment) sent me over.

Also, agreeing with Argentum. Those posts must include a warning. I really do need to keep my laptop beverage free.

I feel your pain. Try building ALL your kitchen cabinets with those instructions written by a chinese guy. Herro?

Practically Joe said...

Sorry Moooooog ... If you want to get that guy you'll have to travel far. The labeling of parts was outsourced to In6ia.

Patyrish said...

My husband has the same colorful language when fixing or assembling something.
When installing our new faucet I remember him screaming something like "I hate chinese people, I hope they all get herpes". (faucet obviously was made in china).

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