Somebody's Baking Brownies | Mental Poo

Monday, January 12, 2009

Somebody's Baking Brownies

Before I start today, I have a new movie review of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

That's it.

Carry on.

Now...
********************

May God have mercy on our souls.


We had no water in the office on Friday.

I craftily deduced this using sheer investigative skills and a keen mind.

Also, a man in the locker room at work looked at me and said:

"We have no water."


Damn, I'm good.

Suck it, "60 Minutes!"

I had just finished working out in the gym, and - as I'm wont to do - was sweating like Chris Farley at a tamale-eating contest.


The guy who helped me solve the "where did the water go" mystery said:

"There's maybe just a trickle coming out of the head."

That's what she said.

A trickle?

I can work with that.

At 5'2" tall and 152 pounds (OF SHEER RIPPED AND CARVED MUSCLE!!), I don't have much surface area to cover.

So, realizing that my other option was to show back upstairs looking and smelling like Pigpen from Charlie Brown, I opted for the trickle.

Three hours later, I emerged...

...looking like a tiny, sparkly clean Adonis.


About 20 minutes after that, I headed into the men's room to pee.

Me: "MOTHER OF GOD....GAAACK!!"


Apparently, someone had eaten the entire population of Malaysia and was currently shitting them out.

As I stood there at the urinal, holding my breath...

(Jesus, Mary and Joseph...it smells like death and/or Rosie O'Donnell's vulva in here)

...and deftly aiming for the booger that someone had flicked into the urinal...

Me: "BANG!! TAKE THAT!! GOTCHA!!"

...I heard the Malaysian-Devourer ("MD") try to flush.

*click*

*clickety-click*


Nothing.

M-D: "FUCK."



As I was busily trying to work dry soap foam into my hands with a paper towel, M-D looked at me as he exited the stall.

M-D: "No water?"

Me: "No water."

M-D: "That's just great."

Me: "Yeah, well...not for the next guy who needs to take a shit in there."

That poor, poor 'next guy.'

He knows not what Hell awaits him in the toilet bowl.

Malaysians can be stinky when you can't flush 'em.

29 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

First blog post I've read with an odor.

Mike said...

I was hungry for Malaysians before I read this. Now, not so much.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

When we were ravaged by the drought last year, we were down to something like 20 days worth of water left for the entire county, and people here at work were discussing getting rid of the toilets and just installing chemical toilets instead.

I think that idea's still being tossed around. I wonder if M-D can come down here and "talk them out of it", if you know what I'm saying.

And if not, I mean shit the toilets so full that the stink peels the paint off the walls.

Becky..AMHW said...

Yup. Time for my morning constitutional.

Poetry Sue said...

Oh wow.... I needed that.. Nothing better than a moog poo story to brighten my day

fiona said...

There really should be a "Poop Police" in place to protect the innocent...poor "next guy"

Christina_the_wench said...

DAMMIT! I was eating, mooooog. I'll get you for this.

Mike said...

Moog, simple solution.

Have everyone pee into the top of the offending toilet until there's enough liquid to flush.

DUH!

moooooog35 said...

Hungry: You're welcome, if that's what you're getting at.

Mike: Cambodians are an acceptable substitute. And they're FAT FREE!

Mjenks: Mmmm. Chemicals + poo. Smells like Nicole Richie.

Becky: I smell a 'rate my poo' entry coming up!

Poetry Sue: I'm #1 in #2.

Fiona: Um. Who would take THAT job?!

Christina: DO YOUR WORST!!

Actually...if you could go easy on me, I'd prefer that.

Mike: Where were you on Friday?!?

Giggle Pixie said...

OMG, that totally sucks! Well, for the "next guy", anyway!!

Argentum Vulgaris said...

That's so bad, you can smell it!

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/

LiLu said...

Re: Mike's comment... I don't know if that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard... or the most brilliant...

I guess it could be both?

rs27 said...

Maylasia is the most overrated country in the world.

I said it.

LBluca77 said...

I just vomited up my breakfast a little bit.

Yes I said breakfast and it is noon. I'm on vacation.

Dr Zibbs said...

The courtesy flush should be a law.

Alaina said...

Well, now, that story literally stinks.

I work right next to (I kid you not, I am two feet away) from the mens bathroom.

Some day I will write a memoir.

Bon Don said...

I totally had smell-o-vision. eeww. I wasn't ready for that.

Kellie said...

Ew. Anyone up for some Thai food tonight? That's tasty.

Narm said...

That's why I keep an industrial sized plunger next to my toilet.

What? I can't get enough Malaysians.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey maybe you can get a reality show on TLC with all the other Little People

The Nice One said...

Wow, I feel somewhat pukey now...

We had no water in school last week. 2 restrooms for 600 kids and 50 staff. AWESOME.

catscratch said...

Shoooo stinky poopie!
I'd go next door or something before I'd go after MD and no flushy.

Practically Joe said...

Hey ... I've got pretty good aim, and for a guy my age ... a strong and steady stream.
I challenge you to a boogy removal duel!
I've got four two inches on you so you could use the boy's urinal.

wolf said...

That guy gets around - I'd swear I saw his handiwork earlier today here in Portland.

moooooog35 said...

GigglePixie: As long as it's not me, I don't care.

AV: Dude...stop leaving your links. Makes you look desperate.

I should start leaving links.

LiLu: Yes...Mike makes the smartest stupid comments.

rs27: BLASPHEME!

lbluca: vomited up bacon is still bacon. Mmmmm.

Dr. Zibbs: No water. Aren't you paying attention?

Alaina: How long did it take you to drill the peephole?

Bon-Don: Coming to you in 2D!

Get it...#2?

Kellie: only if it's a Thai hooker.

Narm: I thought you used your snake.

Malach: HA HA! And you can go to Hell!

Nice One: See a lot of little brown canoes, did ya?

Catscratch: Women don't poo. Your argument is invalid.

pracJoe: You've got four two inches on me? What the hell is that? Are you talking height, or wiggly length? Actually, either way, I don't care.

Wolf: There's Malaysians in Portland?

Practically Joe said...

Gee Moooooog ... You're being tough on me.
You're 5-2. I'm 5-4.
I was trying to do the math ...
Four was my first guess ... I forgot to delete it.
Are we booger peeing or what?

Susan said...

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Worse than a visual, I can actual smell Rosie O'Donnel's vuvla I think. I'm going to puke.

Smileygirl said...

Why why why???? Did I eat while reading this post!?!? I know better!!

Well I'm now done thank you for that.

meleah rebeccah said...

There are so many things in this post that are beyond funny....but I LOST IT when I read

"(Jesus, Mary and Joseph...it smells like death and/or Rosie O'Donnell's vulva in here)"

I cant! You're killing me. At least now I know better than to ever have food or drink when reading this blog.

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