Not only because I'm the fastest lay in the land (*KAPOW! PING!), but for the fact that - apparently - you people don't know how to vote.
Before the holiday break, I put up a poll to keep you busy.
(that's what she said)
The poll was to vote for the weirdest search term that this site comes up in.
50 of you voted.
The rest were, apparently, spinning Dreidels and eating ham.
(probably not the same people doing both)
Hope you had fun with that.
Here are the results.
Question: What's the most disturbing search term my site shows up in?
Fifth Place (4 votes): Ass Clowns
I don't know what an 'ass clown' is or why anyone would want to search for one.
Worst. Birthday Party. Ever.
Fourth Place (tie - each with 5 votes):
- Sex Sucking Monkey
- Tied Pregnant Filled Water Tube
Sex Sucking Monkey?
I'm not sure if someone was searching for sex with a monkey who sucks...
...or searching for a monkey to suck while having sex.
Either way, my search came up empty.
Perhaps I've said too much.
Tied Pregnant Filled Water Tube?
Sit down, waterboarding! There's a new torture technique in town!
I miss John McCain.
Third Place (7 votes): Alton Brown Sex Story
I know how this got here:
Fuck Alton Brown.
In fact, fuck Alton Brown's asshole.
THERE. THERE'S A SEARCH I CAN LIVE WITH.
My sphincter is still bleeding from the raw turkey recipe you gave me.
Here's to you getting the same result...different method.
Second Place (8 votes): Whack the Men and Poo on Him
Jesus H. Christ.
Call me old fashioned, but I like my whacking without all the shitting on me.
And vice versa.
Never mix the two - you're just asking for a nasty, nasty clean up.
Unless we're talking about Alton Brown.
By all means...whack and poo away.
First Place (21 votes): Monkey Penis Sex Girl
If this isn't the name of a rock band yet, there's something wrong with this world.
I Googled this myself to see what came up in images.
Here's the #1 image:
I'm sure whoever searched for that term certainly didn't want to see a bunch of Asians attending to a sheet-covered person.
If there's a monkey under there having sex with a girl using his penis, we should really pull that fucking sheet off.
Like the Kinks said: "Give the People What They Want."
Unless it's an Alton Brown sex story.
No one should have to watch that shit.