Dear Moog: I'm Coveting Thine Neighbor | Mental Poo

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Dear Moog: I'm Coveting Thine Neighbor

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where you can count on receiving good, sound advice for any problem you might have.

You know...

...if you happened to also 'cc' "Dear Abby" on the letter.

Because if you only came here for actual help...'re seriously fucked.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Today's letter comes from "iNDefatigable mjenks" ...

(yeah...I have no fucking clue what that is, either)

...from Crown of Thistles.

Indeflatable Hijinks (seriously...what the fuck is up with the name thing) writes:

Dear Moog:

I recently had a dream about plowing one of my friend’s hot wife.

I’m unsure what to do.

Should I:

a) ignore it and go on living my life

b) tell him about it and risk getting punched in the junk

c) tell HER about it, thus hoping she’ll act out my dreams and I can endanger our friendship by nailing his hot wife or...

d) tell others about it so that we can all snicker like teenagers whenever he or she (or both) are around?


Dirty Dreaming in North By God Carolina

Dear Indescribable Monkey Sex,

First off, I've completely given up on your name.

I don't even want to know what it means.

Too many syllables. Anything longer than two syllables and I lose concentra...

...OOH! Caterpillar!

That's what she said.


For example, Look at my name:


See that shit?



You have an "M" and a "g35" surrounding six letter "o"'s.

(The extra "o" is for Savings!)

Clean that shit up. It's fucking confusing.

K - let's look at this letter...

..blah blah...plowing...

...blah blah....wife...

...blah blah...snickers.

I don't like Snickers.

If I want something packed with peanuts, I'll throw the crack whore on the corner an extra 10 spot to see if I can stuff a jar of Skippy up there.

Try it at home, kids!

So - let's get this straight:

You had a dream about banging your friend's 'hot wife' and you want to know what to do about it.


What a moral dilemma you go there, Indistinguishable Monkeyjunk.

This begs the question:

How hot is she and do you have any pictures?

A lot here depends on how hot she is.

Is she, like, Jessica Alba hot...or just Natalie Portman hot?

I mean, either one is worth getting smashed in the balls for...

...but I'm just trying to create the visual here while I masturbate.

(20 seconds later)

I need a nap.

Okay, let's look at your options here:

a) ignore it

This will be impossible.

Every time you see her, this dream will come back to you.

As such, you will immediately visualize her again from the dream...

...stuffing the banana in your ass while she zaps your balls with the tazer gun through your Raggedy Ann outfit.


Was I not supposed to divulge that part of the letter?



b, c and d) tell him...tell her...tell others

I'd go 'b' and 'd' here.

I'd go with these two because you can't spell 'bed' without 'b' and 'd.'

You also can't spell 'boredom' without them, either - which pretty much sums up the reaction of any woman I've ever had sex with.

"Um..yeah...I'm doing it right now!"

Women can be insensitive.

My simple solution:

1) Put on a cup
2) Tell the friend
3) feign pain when he punches you in the sack
4) Friend - out of anger - tells his wife
5) Friend's wife thinks:


Wife sticks banana in your ass while tazering your balls in your Raggedy Ann outfit and shouting out "OH! OH MOOOOOG!"

She does this because she can't pronounce "Indivisible Man Jenga"...or whatever your fucking name is.

7) Friends snicker

Done. Deal.

Sure, you may lose your friend.

But that's why God invented crack whores.

They'll be your friend on the cheap and never judge you, your stupid fucking Internet name thing you got going on...

...or your tazer-ball/banana-asshole fetish.

And they certainly won't judge your peanut-butter-in-sphincter one.


Don't ask me how I know this.

Moog out.

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


Anonymous said...

Dear Moooooooooog.

I had a dream about banging natalie portman and Jessica Alba.

If you were in that dream, what would you do about it?

Assuming I wouldn't share.

And I wouldn't.

Blonde Goddess said...

What about him banging his friend's wife while his friend watches?
His friend banging him while the wife watches?
He and his friend tag teaming the wife while his wife watches?

The possibilities are endless...

LBluca77 said...

Suddenly I have a hankering to eat a banana.

Unknown said...

I'm buying a tazer!

fiona said...

I'm his friends wife ,right?

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: I read that as 'being jessica alba and natalie portman'...

..phew. That was a close one.

BG: It's like infinity but way shorter!

Lbluca: why am I not surprised?

Ettarose: Hubby already got the Raggedy Ann outfit, I take it?

Fiona: Yeah. Whatever you say. Sure.

Unknown said...

Peanut butter has a salmonella recall or something. Better to stick safer things up the bum, like hamsters and bananas.

Olly said...

Hmmm...disturbing, yet I couldn't stop reading...

Coffeypot said...

I wanted to fuck one of my friends wife. I got to thinking…he’s not my bosom buddy, I don’t owe him money, he doesn’t have any of my yard tools in his garage, and I didn’t really like him that much, so I did. She was pretty upset about the handcuffs and tape over her mouth and stuff, though. But it was pretty good having her buck and twist under me…and he yelling…my god she loved it. But they never come to visit me on visitor days, either. Something about not getting what I deserved. Uh…where do you get those cute hamsters and would they be considered contraband?

Anonymous said...

Personally, I was intrigued by the Raggedy Ann outfit, will it ever replace rubber?

Blondes and bananas... bad combo if you're visiting the vicar.


Jen said...

This is the third keyboard you have made me spew stuff onto..this time tomato soup. You need a bigger warning on this site.

rachaelgking said...

Why six "o"'s? I'll be more careful from now on...

Moooooog35 said...

Meghan: Ah, the voice of experience. Thanks for the heads up.

Olly: I KNOW! Me either!

Coffepot: Dude. Ritalin.

AV: Four words:

Rubber Raggedy Ann Outfit.

Four more words:

Stop putting all your fucking blog links at the end of your comments PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU SO CUT THE SHIT.

K. Five words.

Jen: Ha.

You said 'spew.'

LiLu: Say it out loud:

"O O O O O O"

...if HR isn't at your desk right now, you're not doing it right.

Kevenj said...


Dude: Alcohol, but don't drive.

Dr. Jen Slutsky next to Wal-Mart, which is next to Mcdonald's? How ironic.

"I'm lovin' it!"

hee hee

Unknown said...

Thank god there is a voice of common sense out there.

PkmnTrainerJ said...

Yeah, why not a totally pronouncable name like mine?

Katie said...

Dammit, I had a hamster named Rex. I always wondered what ever happened to him...murderer.

Kellie said...

Mmmm... a peanut butter and banana sandwich is sounding delish right about now. I think I'll have one for dinner. :)

binks said...

Disturbing, yet strangely amusing.

I've been wondering about that name: Imafagandall Methinks, I thought it was just a quiet coming out of the closet moment.

Malicious Intent said...

I always wanted to know exactly how many "O's" were in your name. I always just held down the "O" button till it looked about right. So it is six? Is this because it is close to sex?

Malach the Merciless said...

Sound like you got way too much experience at this

Moooooog35 said...

Kevin John: Thanks, but I don't take advice from people who have no discernible first name.

Chris Wood: *looking around*

PkmnTrainerJ: I believe your name is actually pretty common in India.

Katie: It's only murder if it's not fun.

I'm no murderer. I'm a hamster stuffer.

Kellie: Don't forget to take pictures of you eating it.

Thanks in advance.

Binks: Excellent work on the name!

I think we're soulmates.

Bon Don: call me.

MI: Correct...six O's. At some point I will divulge how I arrived at this...(Malach is the only one who's figured it out)...'s not because it's close to 'sex.'

I wish.

Malach: You say that like you're not my bitch.

Anonymous said...

You also hate snickerdoodles. (Or at least making them.)

And what is UP with that dood's name?

Not that my name is close to normal.

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