F*ck My Ass | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 05, 2009

F*ck My Ass

Before I start today, Lbluca77 has graciously submitted a movie review of "Step Brothers" which is now posted over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

She wants me.

On a related note:

Who doesn't?

Alright...alright...

Put your hands down.

Now...onward and upward!

(that's what she said)

*******************

How Human Resources doesn't have a hotline to my desk by now, I have no idea.

Let me explain.

I work out.

I work out five days a week.

I'm like a tiny, balding Adonis, but without the fig leaf covering my junk.

I tried the fig leaf thing once, but the people in the gym frowned upon it.

Men can be jealous bitches.


It also gave me a wicked ball rash. On the bright side, my crabs ran away after all the itching.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

Tooty had big tits.

But I've digressed.


Wednesday in the gym, for me, is "leg day."

When I was a young fat shit, Wednesday was "Prince Spaghetti Day."

I bet Anthony got some serious WOP ass in his day.

I think that's a local reference.

If so, I'm not explaining it. God invented Google for a reason, you lazy pricks.

Last Wednesday, I did heavy squats.

This differs from Rosie O'Donnell's 'heavy squats'...

...which make me want to throw up a little when I picture it.


As a result of these squats...

...and not because of the blackout the night before...

...my ASS WAS FUCKING KILLING ME.

When you have 'workout ass,' things that you normally take for granted get difficult.

Things like:

1) Walking
2) Sitting
3) Going poo

Going poo really sucks with 'workout ass,' because as I'm sitting on the shitter, I end up saying stuff like:

"Ow...jeez."

"Oh..man...that fucking hurts."

"Oh...oh, my ass!"

Sometimes, I may wimper.

This tends to confuse and/or panic the guy in the next stall.


Regardless, I was coming back up the stairs into my work area with my friend, Kristin, and was telling her how sore I was.

The three flights of stairs we had to climb up weren't helping. My glutes...taut, muscular and stunning...were now fucking screaming at me to stop moving.

As we walked into the lab, I exclaimed:

"Fuck, my ass!"

It was at this EXACT moment, that three other people came from around the corner just in front of me.

Awesome.

My eyes met with the people turning the corner...

...all of them wondering who just yelled out:

"Fuck, my ass."

Yep.

'Twas me.

How you doin'?

"Fuck, my ass."

Nice.

Hold on...my hotline is ringing.

Just curious:

Anyone out there hiring?

26 comments:

LiLu said...

I love how you specifically chose a picture where the courtesy "stalls in between" were being given.

I guess that doesn't protect against whimpering, though, does it?

Dr Zibbs said...

Yeah. Tootie was hot.

binks said...

Are you sure it was from the workout and not the tazer/banana thing?

We have a lot of openings in the grass growth specialist department. You can say F*ck My Ass, Suck My Balls, Blow me two ways to Sunday. Whatever, no one will mind.

moooooog35 said...

LiLu: Nothing protects against whimpering.

Nothing.

Zibbs: You should see Mrs. Garrett these days. Yowza!

Binks: Great, now I have this song going through my head:

"But she's always a woman to me."

Giggle Pixie said...

I wish I worked where you work. I'd probably just follow you around all day for laughs and never get any work done, but...whatev.

Patyrish said...

I would have tried to pretend it was Kristin that said it. Likely you sound manly though and so you wouldnt have gotten away with it...

I had the same "butt pain" problem the one AND ONLY time I was dumb enough to do a spin class. How ANYONE survives those classes without walking like John Wayne for weeks afterwards I will never understand. I couldnt sit right for a week......that didnt sound good.

Bon Don said...

I had Subway for lunch today, now if you'll excuse me I must go and start on my "workout ass" in the restroom.

fiona said...

It's in the inflection.
You should have said : FUCK my ass
BUT no not you, you had to go and say
Fuck MY ass, didn't you? huh?
Yes, you DID!

freetheunicorns said...

Who does number 2 work for?

Step Brothers is awesome. That's all the review anyone needs.

Mike said...

Careful.

lbluca77 might come over with a strap on.

Just sayin.

Ranran said...

Hi!

I admit I'm kind of the conservative type but the way you present your posts? Hilarious. You can make your own TV show! Whaddya think? :-)

Thanks for stopping by my site!

Malicious Intent said...

This is titty week. Kitty has freak'n knitted titties, I have a titty post..even changed my icon to my titties, The Blonde Goddess is always over run by titties, Phoebe Fay had lots of male titties (hey titties are titties), Colonel Colonel has a Sarah Palin pic with titties, Mike at Tongue and check....well we would worry about him if he had no titties posted, not sure if Malach knows what titties are.

So here are to all of the titties in the world, may they never cross paths with mooog!

It must be that Mardi gra feeling in the air!

rs27 said...

What about Jo. She was the best. Wait was she a guy?

LBluca77 said...

HA! I do want you.

Now when I see men running out of the bathroom scared i will know some guy in there has workout ass.

Malach the Merciless said...

I would raped right there just to teach you a lesson.

dani c said...

Wait, I'm still stuck on tuttie's tits..omg

moooooog35 said...

Giggle: Yeah. I'm a regular riot.

Watch me test software now!

HAHAHAHA!

Not. So. Fun.

Patyrish: Yeah. Your butt pain was from 'spinning.'

Happy hubby you got there?

Bon Don: I'm a little confused why Jared is in the ladies' room.

Fiona: You're mean to me.

FreetheUnicorns: Free the Unicorns? I'm in as long as it's not Jack Bauer who's holding them.

Mike: ..that's the reason I leave my door unlocked.

Ranran: A TV show? Is it public access? Can I be nude?

MI: ..um...wha..?

rs27: Jo was hot in a Leather Tuscadero way. Wait. I think they were BOTH men.

I may be gay.

lbluca: Your eyes say 'no' but your mouth says 'Hell no, absolutely not.'

I can't win.

Malach: Try check grammar you before make comment! Understand not you I do!

Dani: You're stuck there? Is breast milk sticky?

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Pluckin' hilarious...

AV

fiona said...

Moog darlin it's not an easy job but someones got to do it! MMMwwwaahh

Hungry Mother said...

Is that an old IBM mainframe to the left of the toilets? My Windows Vista belongs in one of them (not the mainframe).

HeyJoe said...

Yes, I belive Jo was a man, and Natalie was a fat pig. Not that there's any connection, just stating the obvious.

Malicious Intent said...

A. I don't want you, you want me and you know it.

B. Stop fucking crying over your sore ass. Push out a few kids or have anal sex or something...then come crying to us about your sore butt.

C. Wimp.

meleah rebeccah said...

Look I just read the title and choked on my beverage in front of my bartender. Now I have to go back and read this post and SHOW IT TO HER! You are sofa king funny, I cant even stand it.

meleah rebeccah said...

Okay. I am beside myself. I needed my asthmatic INHALER.

Anyone who can work in 'The Facts Of Life' like that? Is a fucking comedy mastermind, prodigy, whiz. And all that jazz.

beaverboosh said...

Dude, you can't yell fuck my ass in a room full of naked men, ya just cant, your lookin for trubba.

catscratch said...

Pervert. Moaning in the stalls can only mean one thing.

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