Wearing my Maid's Outfit to the Oscar's | Mental Poo

Monday, February 09, 2009

Wearing my Maid's Outfit to the Oscar's

Just doing some general housekeeping today.

And, I might add, I look friggin' awesome in this French Maid's outfit.

Although this feather duster is really killing my sphincter and I may be bleeding out.


You DUST with it.

Forget I said anything.


Item #1: Johnny has a great heart, but he's slower than shit

First, I have to mention that my buddy John is running the Boston Marathon once again for his niece, his father, and all people battling blood cancers.

To read John's story of why he's running, click here:

To donate to John's cause, click on the left of my blog, or click here.

To read your horoscope, click here.

To read about me shitting all over John when he couldn't break the four-hour mark of the Boston Marathon last year, click here.

Sometimes, friends are mean.


Here's the Instant Message session I had with him when I told him I was going to try to get him some money for his worthy cause.

midgetmanofsteel: hey douche

John: whats up

midgetmanofsteel: fyi - pimping your marathon run on Monday

John: thanks. you gonna shit on me again?

midgetmanofsteel: yep.

John: thanks. I appreciate it

midgetmanofsteel: what are friends for.

John: too bad I'm such a sensitive guy

midgetmanofsteel: they have sprays that will numb your anus for that.

Nothing like, "hey douche" to set the tone for the conversation with a friend who's running to benefit cancer research.

I'm a good friend.

(yes...that's one of mine)

Also, ladies:

He's single.

As such, if you could blow him in lieu of a donation, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.


I'D run the marathon I could get that deal.


No I wouldn't.

Jesus H. Christ...I break a goddamn sweat when I go poop.

I can't imagine what would happen if I tried to run a marath...

...hold on...

...one sec...

..was typing pretty fast there and got winded.

Item #2: I'm Special in a small-bus way

Foster Mom to Many from over at "Postcards from Insanity" gave me an award.

By the way, 'Postcards from Insanity' would be a great name for a rock band.

Here's the award:



What the fuck is that? A lemonade stand?

How is that an award?

It's a picture of a cart where some illegal immigrant named "Guapo" gets paid to hawk salmonella infested lemons in Central Park because he forgets to wash his hands after he shits in his pickle jar.




Here's one from me for you guys out there...

...who go above and beyond with their blogs:


It's a fucking thimble.

Congratulations, you've earned it!

I'm kidding, Foster Mom...I'll post my lemonade stand with pride.

Just. Like. Guapo.

Item #3: But Wait...There's More!


It's fucking upside-down.

I had to turn my laptop over to read it.

On a related note:

Flicked boogers may dislodge from your keyboard when you flip it over.

Man - I hope they're mine.

Just a helpful tip there.

Apparently the award says:

"Fucking Fabulous Blog"


This will go nicely next to my lemonade stand.

Move your immigrant ass over, Guapo before I call the fucking INS on you, your 17 kids and their pickle jars full of shit.

Thanks in advance.


In all seriousness, though - thanks for the awards guys.

They mean a lot.

(I like to lie - it makes people feel better)

I'm supposed to follow some rules or shit about handing out these out to other people, but - as you may or may not know - I have my own award I give out:

So, without further ado...

Have a nice day.

I'm not giving any out today.

This post was long (that's what she said)...

...and now I'm all tired and sweaty.

Stupid cardio.

Also, these boogers ain't gonna clean themselves off my desk.

Well..maybe this one over here.

It's moving on it's own.


Just. Like. John.

Go send him some money to help some really sick people.

He's a good guy.

You know...for a slow douche.

Moog out.


Unknown said...

I wish your friend luck and well done on keeping him grounded. If only everyone had such good friends.

Blonde Goddess said...

You get winded when you type too fast?!?!?

How do you manage to have online sex with complete strangers???

I mean, my keyboard gets sticky and I misspell words but I'm never out of breath.

You should take vitamins.

LBluca77 said...

Are you going to tell your wife she is the shart of your heart on valentines day? You know instead of buying her a gift?

rachaelgking said...

Now I'm looking at all the oddly shaped crumbs in my keyboard. My inherited keyboard that's clearly been at this desk for a couple decades.


I'm sure that's just part of a gluestick.

fiona said...

Flicked boogers may dislodge from your keyboard when you flip it over.

So now we know where you stash your mid morning snacks!

Susan said...

I've been watching that lemonade stand being spread around like wild fire. Very nice acceptance speech. And then, you lost me on "flicked boogers". Yep, I gagged a tad.

The Semi-Domesticated Mama said...

I was hoping to give you the Kiss My Ass award but I have not yet been the recipient of that one. But when it happens, and it will, rest assured that it's a comin' your way!

Just a little somthin' for you to look forward to in the future. Carry on with your day.

Anonymous said...

I'd LOVE to see you in a marathon.

It would kind of be like the Jack Russel running along side the great dane.

Your little legs would be going so fast they'd be a blur.

Don't worry, I'm sure people would feed you sugar water ever 15 minutes to keep you going, you little hummingbird you!

Christina_the_wench said...

First off, ewwww @ fiona. Second, you should work for Hallmark or something. You have such a way with words and sentiments for your friends. I tear up everytime. Wait, that might be smell. Nevermind.

Moooooog35 said...

Chris: Every does have friends like this. They're called 'al qaeda.'

BG: you're right...maybe this crusty stuff falling out of my keyboard isn't boogers.



60: I KNOW. I should be a concert promoter. Nah. I hate working.

LiLu: Yeah...go with 'gluestick.' Way to gloss over the obvious.

Fiona: You don't EAT them. You smear them under your desk.


Susan: I heard you liked to gag, though.

Man...this notebook is getting messy with all these rewrites.

FosterMom: Unless it's a great big picture of Angelina Jolie's ass with Jessica Alba kissing it...

...you can hold onto that one.

Mike: I've been in a marathon.

Didn't you read my post about my four-hour Levitra boner?

Jesus Christ, man...I lost, like, 30 pounds that night and my right arm got HUGE.

Christina: I'd consider working at Hallmark but they also sell those Very Bradley handbags that my wife likes so much and I'd end up getting a discount on them which means I'd have to buy her,like, one a week and fuck that shit so then...



Winded again.

Moooooog35 said...

Oh shit...

I forgot Lbluca!

Actually...taking my son to see 'monster trucks' on Valentine's Day.

My wife really did draw the short straw.

Malicious Intent said...

You cannot plug a fundraiser the same day I am! Ladies first!

Anonymous said...

Can I borrow that French Maid's outfit? It might help me score a new man.

Anonymous said...

Yesssssss, I am giving you an award and it is: New Favorite Blog That I Just Found And Am Adding To My Reader And Also A Lemonade Stand.

Unknown said...

Oh man, you have no idea what is lurking in your keyboard. Think of all those times you didn't wash your hands after taking a shit!

Rahul said...

I'll take that thimble. I'll take anything at this point.

HeyJoe said...

Nice lemonade stand.

Kevenj said...

YOU spent the night w/ ChelleB in Compton without video taping it???

{{or did you?}}

Amber said...

You are hilarious.

That is all!! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I reappeared today to see this.

You're an amazing smart ass. John is lucky to have you as a pal!

Malach the Merciless said...

Give yourself the award!

Desert Rat said...

Ouch that ass photo hurts my ankles?! I heart the word Douche from a guy, it's a word you can only get away with on the East Coast and nobody gets their panties in a bunch.

Moooooog35 said...

MI: I can plug anything I want.

Well...not anything.

OB: What's a Compton? Was I lucid?

Meleah: Sure...it's yours.

I took it from your closet last Thursday night while you were out with the girls.

Bethis: *sigh*

Ettarose: sounds like you're talking from experience.


rs27: It's yours.

That'll be $9.95 plus shipping and handling.

HeyJoe: that's what she said.


Kevin John: A true gentleman never does the shocker and tell.

Amber: What?! NEED. MORE. PRAISE!

Catscratch: Yeah. I'm sure John feels lucky.

I hear is anus is named 'lucky.'

Malach: I should. I mean...I do so much to myself already.

Desert: First time I've ever read, 'I heart the word Douche from a guy.'

Kinda weird, actually.

Patyrish said...

while you did it in your own way I am proud of you for posting about a worthy cause.

Why is it though that men like to call each other mean names like "douche"?

I call my best friend "hooker" sometimes, I call her that in the most loving way possible though.

I'm hooked to your blog, it's official, add me to your list of "groupies". ;-)

Kellie said...

I love calling people douche too. It's one of my favorite words of all time. It's so fun to say. Why is that?

hoppster said...

question numero uno: why didn't katie holmes wear a bra while running the marathon? way to let your future boobs hang low, miz cruise (if that is your real name).

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