The Cookie Pimp | Mental Poo

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Cookie Pimp


It's over.

It's FINALLY over.

No, not these weird bumps on my genitals...

...that shit's been going on for decades.

On a related note:

Just because it looks like green Jell-O doesn't mean you should put your penis in it.

20 times.

Perhaps I've said too much.


No, I'm talking about Girl Scout Cookie season.

Ah, yes...

Girl Scout Cookie Season.

That time of the year where little girls everywhere con their parents, grandparents...

(and for some reason, at my house, the UPS guy she calls 'Uncle Walt')

...into hawking cookies for them so they don't have to do shit and just sit on their asses watching iCarly on Nickelodeon and High School Fucking Musical 3 for the 17th time while JESUS H. CHRIST ALL I WANT TO WATCH IS THE NEWS AND IT'S MY TV ANYWAY SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM!

Ahem.


Selling cookies.

As her father, I take this responsibility seriously.

Because no one wants to have the stupid kid who sells, like, 5 boxes of cookies.

THAT girl is a loser.

Seriously.

It's fucking embarrassing. Walk 5 steps behind me at all times. I can't even look at you.

Sometimes, my childhood haunts me.


So, here's the email I sent out at my work (actual email):

**************
From: Rodney
Subject: Shameless Cookie Solicitation

Yes – it’s that time of year again.

Where the hopes and dreams of a young girl can be miraculously achieved…or hopelessly dashed…

…based on how many Girl Scout Cookies she sells.

That’s right:

IT’S GIRL SCOUT COOKIE TIME!!

Sorry..sorry…

I get excited over small things.

My daughter is now selling Girl Scout Cookies for her troop.

And I, as her father, am one of her designated “cookie pimps.”

If you want to order cookies, feel free to swing by or let me know – I have the order form at my desk.

Cookies are $3.50 per box – and you can hold off on paying until the cookies are in (or pre-pay and save up to zero dollars!).

Also, if you buy by the case, I may also show you some secret dance moves of mine as an added bonus.


I see this as a win-win.

$3.50 is literally only pennies a day.

So, you can either help one of those little Ethiopian kids…or get a box of Thin Mints.


Seriously…Thin Mints. This one’s a no-brainer.

I’m also considering opening a toll-free number and buying a billboard on 93 so she can get her stupid patch if she sells 50 boxes.

Thanks in advance for your order!

Rod
**************

That fucking genius piece of literature nabbed me 40 boxes of cookies.

That's right.

I sold 40 boxes of cookies myself.


I did all this without a single visit from Human Resources about me breaking their 'Code of Conduct' or 'Sexual Harrassment' laws or 'Employee Too Sexy for the Workplace Candidacy.'

I swear that last one is biased towards the chicks on the first floor.

Fine.

Skinny + big boobs wins.

I get it.

I may not be too sexy for the workplace now...

...but wait til you see me with my new Cookie Patch Award sewed onto my shirt.

Killer, baby. Killer.

Cookie Pimp in da house.

Let no Ethiopian stand in my way.

24 comments:

Mike said...

Why are you not profiting on this?

"Moooooog35's workplace email pimping service. If you can't convince them I can guilt them"

Or something to that effect.

Millions of dollars working 3 hours a day from home.

Susan said...

Impressive. Now, can we see those dance moves???

Christina_the_wench said...

I woulda bought 50 boxes if you had worn the socks in the above picture and I'm diabetic. Hot.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I am stealing this, verbatim, when it comes my time to serve as Cookie Pimp.

Douglas said...

If fucking jello is wrong, I don't want to be right.

LBluca77 said...

My parents used to do all the work selling the girl scout cookies for me. I just ate all the cookies.

March to the Sea said...

i sold about the same as you..didn't have as clever a note though. To add to the joys of the season..my wife was "Cookie Mom" nobody is happier the season is over than she is.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Work from home?

I don't wanna work, period.

Susan: that's me knocking on your door.

Christina: I am wearing them.

Make your check payable to me.

Mjenks: I charge royalties.

Never forget that.

Douglas: Dude. Don't even get me started on puddin' cups.

Lbluca: Hence your work ethic today.

March: Imagine how many you WOULD have sold.

Think about it.

Or don't.

I don't care, really.

Stacie said...

AH, thin mints...love.

we do sell until september ish...so I might have to use your email, insert (cough) my name and see how many I can sell... ;)

GeologyJoe said...

i bought and ate 2 boxes of samoas on sunday.

Blonde Goddess said...

I need a good pimp. How much do you charge?

rs27 said...

"I get excited over small things."

I am dissapointed this was not follwed up with a sexual innuendo joke.

Buzzardbilly said...

I can see cookie pimp wannabee father's all over the Internet's copying your e-mail as we speak. You should write a small book to sell to the Girl Scouts for them to sell to the parents: How to Pimp Those Cookies in an Age When You Cannot Let Your Child Knock on a Stranger's Door. I'm seeing $$$$ pimpmeister. $$$$ I tell you.

BTW, you who likes a poo story, will like the one I offered today.

Malicious Intent said...

I got kicked out of the girl scouts.

LiLu said...

Henceforth, I shall always think of you as "Cookie Pimp." Which will in turn always make me hungry when I visit here.

I'm going to leave it at that.

Kellie said...

I despised having to sell girl scout cookies. It was the worst thing ever. My dad refused to pimp out my cookies and I had to do all the work. (Now that I type that it just sounds wrong)

Bon Don said...

Moooooog the Cookie Pimp! Tell me when to start selling big daddy... Bon Don loves a good pimp slap!

coffeypot said...

That last comment reminded me, do you know what is round, brown and full of cobwebs? An Ethiopian asshole. See, they are poor. They have no food. They grow sand in their yards instead of grass because it never rains. They look soooo longingly and sad at the TV cameras because the cameraman is eating a fucking sandwich while filming them. I bet you could break the girl scout record for sales if you took orders from there. Of course you would get paid in goats and cows, and you could get a sandbox filled for nothing. They are poor, ya know.

wc#3 said...

You truly do make me glad I'm not a girlscout... :P

Dr Zibbs said...

My wife thought I was nuts when I said my daughter should actually knock on some doors to sell the cookies this year.

Jen said...

I sold 73 boxes of cookies. I, as in not my daughter, sold the cookies. She didn't do a damn thing since she is a Daisy and they don't even allow them to actually sell the cookies. I have at least 12 boxes hidden in the basement.

Malach the Merciless said...

I'll take some caramel de'lites

moooooog35 said...

Stacie: You want to insert yourself in my what?!?

Geo: You're talking the cookie, right...and not the big scary football players?

BG: I thought you already worked for me. Good to know.

rs27: Sometimes, it's not what you say but how you work your penis.

What?

Buzzardbilly: Or at least I can sell shirts. I think you're on to something!

MI: I know - they frown on bisexual beastiality fetishes.

So I've..um..heard.

LiLu: Like you're not hungry when you come here anyway.

I exude a certain sexy famishednessicity.

Kellie: Yeah. Your "cookies." Got it.

BonDon: I shall recruit you next year.

Be prepared!

Wait..I think that's Boy Scouts.

Coffee:

* blink

wc#3: Dude - if I'm the only reason you're glad you're not a Girl Scout, you have deeper issues.

Zibbs: This is why God invented ball gags for the women.

Jen: 73?!? I feel inadequate.

Again.

Malach: Selling time is over. But if you send me money now, I'll be sure to order them for you next year.

Make checks payable to me.

cookiebitch said...

I too, wrote about Girl Scout cookies on my blog - particularly the Axis of evil bastards who pimp them, get us addicted, and then take them away. Little did I know that you are one of the evil bastards ... or should I say evil little bastards. I am going to have to rethink my admiration for you. Unless of course you can score me some FREE cookies ... because as you know, I can be bought.

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