Aim High | Mental Poo

Monday, April 06, 2009

Aim High

My boy gives "Golden Showers" a whole, new meaning.

I'm so proud.


The other day I popped into one of our bathrooms to go pee.

Sometimes I do this.

Colostomy bags don't last forever.

The more you know.

I've digressed.

As I'm just about to let the wrath of my human lemonade reign Hell upon the vestibule (suck it, Shakespeare!), I glance at the top of the toilet.

Not the seat lid, mind you.

The TOP of the toilet tank itself.

There...in a small glowing kidney shape...

...is a pool of yellow.

* blink

I reach up and grab a tissue and dab at it.

Yep.

It's piss, all right.


Me: "CAMERON!!!"

My five year old son comes in, looking guilty.

Me: "Buddy - did you pee on TOP of the toilet?"

Cam: "Uh-huh."

* blink

* blink blink

Me: "HOW?!"

All I can think of is that he somehow got a little woody (as I am often prone to do) and ended up peeing with it.


Nope.

Here's how it went down.

Er..

Up.

Cam: "I was putting the seat up and it caught my wiggly and aimed it up and I couldn't hold it anymore and I peed all up in the air."

Holy fucking shit.

Impressive.

Let's GO TO THE TAPE!

Here in this artist's rendition...

...we can see my son, pre-pee as he's lifting the toilet seat.

Note the position of his wiggly, here represented by M. Night Shymalan:


It's here that my son raises the toilet seat, catching his wiggly on the lift and aiming it towards the heavens:


He then lets loose because he can't hold it in any more:


Awesome.

Actually, just thinking that M. Night Shyamalan has produced more shit lately...so maybe he's not completely appropriate here.

Regardless...

The odds of all these things falling into place are greater than the chances of me getting my wiggly to work without medication when I need him to.

Rodney: Equating catastrophic pissing accidents to erectile dysfunction since 2009.

It's at this point that I look up and notice THIS on the wall:


Oh. Looky there.

Me: "Well - at least we'll always know where you hit first."

I say "always" because that stain has NOT come off the wall no matter how much I scrub it.

He's like "Alien" but with urine.



My wife, in an effort to comfort him because he felt bad then says:

Wife: "Don't worry, Cam. Sometime I miss, too."

Um.

Ew?

Jesus, hon.

Just when I thought I was getting a handle on the "I don't need pills thing" you pull this shit out of your hat.

Story of my life.

Oh well...could be worse.

I could be pissing out of control on walls and shit.

I miss college.

31 comments:

Blonde Goddess said...

Like father, like son.
You know he learned behavior like that from you.

By the way, you're LOSING the poll over at my blog. Tiff will win the chance to interview me if you don't get some votes FAST! (Not that I'm really prepared for whatever bizarre things you'll want to know, but I'm trying to make things fair, ok?)

LBluca77 said...

After reading this I now know you and your wife are perfect for each other.

I remember years ago when my nephew was about 10 months old and I had to change his diaper after he woke from a nap and saw his little woody. Ok I feel creepy typing that.

Becky..AMHW said...

At least it wasn't poop on the lid of the tank.

I have three boys. Don't believe it can't happen.

As an aside, if women sit a little wrong (because we have to aim too, even sitting) the stream goes between the seat and the bowl and lands on the floor in front of you. The more you know? That's right biatch.

Everyone should just pee in the shower, I swear.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Just use the floor like the guys in my house seem to do all the time...Bitter? Who? Me?

PQ said...

I share a bathroom with my 17 year old brother.

I'm going to show him this post and tell him that a little kid still has better aim than he does.

Dr Zibbs said...

My wife was just asking the other day how we can miss the toilet so much. She had no idea that sometimes it squirts from the sides.

Mike said...

Seems like your boy takes after your wife more than you.

Umm.

Sorry dood!

Arielle said...

Referring to Becky's comment, I have never had an issue with my pee going between the seat and the bowl and landing on the floor. I didn't even think it was possible...you'd have to be sitting really really wrong on the toilet for that to happen...like lounge chair style or something.

Jen said...

I swear my son had better aim when he first started using the potty.

moooooog35 said...

BG: Wouldn't be the first poll I lost.

Stupid Mr. America contest.

Lbluca: congratulations. I feel creepy reading it.

Becky: Thanks for the explanation.

Freak.

Mary: Don't you think you should be cleaning it up instead of being over here?

Nevermind that. Me like me comments!

PQ: Holy shit...where does HIS pee go? Nevermind...don't wanna know.

Zibbs: Sides? What the hell...are you a lawn sprinkler?

Mike: You should see him bake!

I need to have a talk with him.

Arielle: sounds like someone has a project to do!

Jen: maybe that's the trick...we need more Cheerios to shoot at.

Katie said...

For a while I couldn't figure out why the bathroom smelled so bad no matter how much I cleaned it - then I looked a little closer at the wall.

Maybe it's time to repurpose that old beer funnel - hopefully my 4 year old will get some pee into the toilet.

Becky..AMHW said...

Now Arielle has me wondering if my pee hole is crooked.

Stacie's Madness said...

Ha. I think this happens at my house too, walls, floor around toliet, there is no part left unpeed.

Sarah said...

Corrosive urine. You must be so proud!

Stacie's Madness said...

IT HAPPENS to the BOYS in my house...not me, I have good aim. Even in the woods.....

rs27 said...

Wait, he got his dong caught on the seat?

He must be hung like a dinosaur.

moooooog35 said...

Katie: Good idea. Just make sure you clean the beer funnel really really good when you re-purpose it.

Becky: That one made me laugh.

You can also redifine the whole "there was a crooked lady...who had a crooked..." nursery rhyme.

Stacie: Seriously lady...grossing me out.

Sarah: you can have it too if you feed them a strict diet of chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese.

You're welcome.

Stacie: clarification has come to late for me...but maybe the rest of the boys out there can save themselves!

rs27: Honestly...it sometimes frightens me.

Not the giant schlong...the fact that I don't know where he inherited it from.

LiLu said...

You are training him well, Obi-Wan. (Is that right? I don't know Star Wars. I'm a trekkie girl.)

Something tells me your wife and I would get along.

Kellie said...

I seriously didn't know little kids could get woodies until last week. I think it is creepy and weird. I wish I didn't know it.

And this post of yours may be one of your greatest of all times. I love the M. Night Shamaleidakkeondon pictures.

Sara Sue said...

You must be so proud!!

Renee said...

oh boy...don't get me started...just hope like hell he never uses the shower curtian to wipe his ass....ugh! Love the Shymalan play by play...classic

coffeypot said...

At least Cam wasn't at the door trying for a three-pointer. He needs to be patted on the back for having the power to hit that high on the wall, too.

Malach the Merciless said...

That is why they have all those pee commercials for old men

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Boys will be boys, peeing on, in, over and around things is part of growing up.

Now I have Ellen, my stepdaughter... at 8 she discovered she could pee like a boy, but she hasn't figured the up-angle yet... Thank God!

AV

moooooog35 said...

Lilu: You've creeped me out on several levels there.

Kellie: Think of it as a PSA for your twisted subconscious.

You're welcome.

Sara: I'm beaming.

No seriously - check out my nipples.

Renee: Let that be a lesson to all you women out there - keep the toilet paper stocked and we won't have to wipe our asses on the shower curtain.

Coffee: I'm just lucky he didn't pull a "..off the sink...off the vanity...off the towel rack...nothing but bowl."

Malach: Because my son pissed on the wall?

Where are you from again?

AV: Your stepdaughter can pee with her penis?

I'm grossed out yet intrigued at the same time.

ettarose said...

I love your posts. You are so funny. When mine first learned they could pee outside (we live in the country) they would go outside and pee every chance they got. Then the girl decided she could (I don't blame her). That was fun trying to make her understand why the boys could and she couldn't.

Susan said...

Seriously, how can a puddle of piss inspire you to this point? Really? And while I'm going to admit I'm an ass and had no idea who M. Night Shayamalan (and still don't know after linking!) I am still asking my self why a man was in your sons penis??? So curious.

moooooog35 said...

Etta: What does being in the country have to do with peeing outside?

I suppose that explains all these arrest warrants.

Susan: Welcome to my brain.

M. Night Shyamalan. Sixth Sense. Signs. Unbreakable. The Happening.

C'mon woman..work with me here.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Your pride overwhelms me. Excellent post!

@Becky: I didn't know this could happen with women. Perhaps Moog do an illustration.

Last time it happened to me I was half-asleep (I couldn't decide if a turd might sneak out, therefore I sat!)and only realized I wasn't targeting properly when I pulled up the soaking wet bottoms.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh dear, good gracious me - that was nothing short of hysterical. And anyone who can refer to his son's M. Night Shymalan is worthy to tell Shakespeare to suck it. Oops - that didn't come out right. Oops - that didn't either.

Anyway, where else can you find such an excellent post on pee than on Mental Poo, I ask you.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

mooog, I was referring to the standing position as opposed to the traditional squat... sheesh!

AV

ah, no she doesn't.

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