The Close Lay (or "How to Fuck with Your Coworkers") | Mental Poo

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Close Lay (or "How to Fuck with Your Coworkers")

I came really close to getting laid.


Laid off.

When you're me, you take what you can get and call it 'action.'

I cry sometimes.

Last week, a rumor surrounded my workplace that layoffs were imminent.

I, being here only 8 months and pretty much spending the days just writing this stupid fucking blog and signing 8x10 glossies of myself in various poses (they weren't glossy until after I spent some time with them in the men's room)...

...I was a bit nervous.

Manager: "Well...we reviewed your statistics, Rod. According to IT, it appears that although you were in the lab working 20% of the time, the rest of your day is spent Googling stuff like 'ugly penis chickens.'"

Me: "Wow...20%?! I had no idea I was working that much."

Then I left early.

By the way:

Ugly Penis Chickens.

It took me approximately 0.0001 of a second to come up with that phrase.

Welcome to the shit that is my mind.

So, I had it confirmed that indeed, on this very day, there was going to be a layoff announcement.

I was downstairs getting coffee when I bumped into Iain, a friend of mine from high school who works here as well.

Me: "You ready for the layoffs?"

Iain: "I heard. Ugh."

Me: "I'm the last to be hired in my group. It will be me if anyone."

Iain: "Same here. I'm the last one in."

Then...the brainstorm:

Me: "We should email each other throughout the morning just to make sure that our addresses are still working. Having your email shut off is the harbinger of doom."

Just for the record, I did NOT say 'harbinger of doom.'

I did not have my first cup of coffee yet so it probably sounded more like:

Me: "No email...bad for man...make man be sad! Oonga da boonga!"

(Apparently, I'm an African caveman before 7:30)

So we made a pact to email each other every so often, just to make sure we still existed in the company's address book.

At 9:04 a.m, I sent Iain this email:

(the names have been blacked out to prevent people from emailing me at work or sending me nude photos of donkeys and shit)

(click to enlarge...that's what she said)

Subject: Just Checking

About 20 minutes later...

...Iain responds:

"Still here, sir."

That's good.

Both our emails still work.

Or so Iain thinks.

You see...

I like to fuck with people.

So I replied to Iain.

Kind of.

Here's what I sent back to him:

Sometimes, I surprise myself by being so fucking ingenious.

Like the time I put my wet anus on the 12-volt battery. But that's another story for another time.

So this is the email Iain gets.

I changed the subject to "Server Error" and then wrote back in a Corporate fear-inducing red font that I no longer existed in the email system.

Then I sent it.

Iain did not respond.

Iain did not reply - and I waited for about 1/2 hour.

Instead, Iain came upstairs to try to find me.

He did not find me.

He did not find me because I was probably shitting.

I do that a lot at work.

Luckily, the IT department can't track that...

...otherwise, that "20%" work thing my boss thinks I do goes way the fuck down and 'ugly penis chickens' becomes my main contribution to the company.

Ha ha.

Ugly penis chickens.


So, Iain, unable to find me along with the email... thinks I've been laid off.

And because of our earlier conversation about 'last one hired'... thinks he's going to be fired, too.

On a related note:

I'm a good friend.

Of course, after letting Iain sweat it out for an hour, I emailed him and said, 'just kidding.'

He replied, simply:

'Nicely done.'

Nicely done, indeed.

Excuse me now.

These ugly penis chickens aren't going to Google themselves.


Narm said...

Man was I crossing my fingers that the first "Ugly penis chicken" picture wasn't going to be of me.

Christina_the_wench said...

Lain is probably at HR as we speak, making shit up about you and the office floozy doing it in the break room and leaving a mess on the counter.

Touche. Well played indeed.

Did I just type floozy? God, how old AM I?

MJenks said...

Doesn't that bastard know it's "Nicely done, sir!"?

Jesus, you just can't get good help these days.

Mike said...

I like how your other office is large and probably has lots of grab handles.

I hear you need lots of grab handles.

rachaelgking said...

You were disappointed? For some reason, that image was EXACTLY what I was expecting for Ugly Penis Chicken.

Maybe a touch more Elvis.

Bon Don said...

Nicely Done Indeed! ... I would have thrown up a little in my mouth from thinking I was next

Moooooog35 said...

Lbluca: don't worry...with the keyboard tracker my IT dept has installed, I've now typed 'ugly penis chickens' four times and they know it.

I may be at your place of employment sooner than you think.

Narm: That's NOT you?

Christina: Judging by your loose play with the word 'floozy,' I peg you at 113.

Mjenks: I know. He's still here, too. Unreal.

Just kidding, Iain.

Mike: And it has rolls and rolls of notepad paper!

Lilu: Why am I not surprised.

Bon Don: Mmmm. You smell minty fresh.

Yes. Tense day.

Now...excuse me...

Back to screwing off!!

Unknown said...

One time there was going to be a layoff and when the ones who were chosen but not told came in to work they had been locked out of their computers. That is how they found out. I would love to work with you. I bet I have some good ones. I like to smear glue rolled into little balls under someones drawer pull. Simple but effective.

ReformingGeek said...

The last company I worked for did one round of layoffs via email. In a few cases, a person's email was shut off before they got the notification to leave. A manager had to go and get them. Pathetic.

Funny post!

fiona said...

Oh I forgot to mention I'm an Ugly Penis Chicken Virgin so be gentle.
That's all.

Colleen said...

Ha, that's awesome. I wish I was so evil to my coworkers.

Malach the Merciless said...

I'd lay you off too

DouglasDyer said...

If they knew how much money they'd save on toilet paper, you'd be the next to go.

Desert Rat said...

you go to work before 730...that just made me tired.

LOL That was great what you did to him!Perfect for a Friday.

The Demigoddess said...

LOL. Is there still a threat of you being laid off? Or has the disaster already been averted?

FawkesFire said...

well played, good sir. well played indeed.

Moooooog35 said...

ettarose: Everyone wants to work with me.

And by 'work' I mean 'have sex.'

And by 'everyone' I mean 'no one.'

ReformingGeek: My buddy's company laid off 28 people BY PHONE on a Friday night.


Yet another reason I only use Morse Code.

Fiona: Kinda obsessed with the poultry dicks, are we?


C.Watson: It's easy. I'm also looking for an appretice.

Malach: "..under the sheets."

You and your damn fortune cookies.

Douglas: I know. I think I'm personally responsible for most of the Earth's global warming due to deforestation in order to support my toilet paper habit.


Long way for a little payoff, there.

Desert Rat: Yep...get here at about 7:00 am. Usually do my first bit of work at around 10:15.

By 'work' I mean 'nap.'

Demigoddess: With my work ethic and job commitment, there's always the danger.

Really. I don't do much.

Fawkes: Thank you. Send money.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Holy crap, that was funny. I'm still laughing, and everyone's looking at me like I'm nuts, which I am, and I'm trying to explain Ugly Penis Chickens but I can't because I'm laughing too hard, and now I'm out of breath so I can no longer type...

Susan said...

Ok, listen... WHY in the hell do you have to throw me off in the midst of an amazing story with "wet anus and 12 volt battery"??? Do you realize then all my mind can do is revert to visuals of a man's wet anus hovering on a damn 12 volt with sparks or what ever god else might be happening as a result of this???

Going Like Sixty said...

I'm sorry, I have the only existing ugly chicken penis photo on my blog.

Limit one.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Wet anus? Story of my life.

Moooooog35 said...

Mary: Wow. Usually I only make women cry.

Susan: Jesus, woman. Have you ever been here before?

Expect this shit. It's how I roll.

Going60: Nude photos of yourself don't count.

Becky: Um.


Kellie said...

Genius. You never disappoint. :)

Unknown said...

Those ugly penis chickens are fucking with your mind ....

Malicious Intent said...

You are a mean mother fucker. We all know no one can see you on the toilet in the bathroom!
How cruel.

But I respect that. Good show chap.

Sara Sue said...

If you're taking requests on what to post next, I'd sure like to hear more about the anus on the nine volt battery thing ...

Me-Me King said...

I'd like a signed 8x10 please, but one with a matte finish, if you don't mind.

meleah rebeccah said...

You are just as brilliant as you are hilarious.

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