My $145...Going...Going...GONE!! | Mental Poo

Monday, May 04, 2009

My $145...Going...Going...GONE!!

The thrill of no victory! The agony of no defeat!

If Jim McKay was alive to see this shit, he'd be freaking right the fuck out.

Going all "plaid leisure suit" on your ass.

And you don't want any part of that shit, trust me.


I signed my 5 year old son, Cam, for tee-ball.

We told Cam last year that we'd sign him up as soon as he made the age limit.

Last year, alas, he was too young.

****** SIDEBAR *******

Is the word 'alas' too highbrow for this blog?

Can you think of any other alternatives?

Maybe, like, "...but, son of brick shithouse, he was too young."


****** END SIDEBAR ******

So, one $145 registration fee later, Cam was signed up for tee-ball.


That's, like, 6 weeks of offerings at my church.

On a related note:

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

Regardless, the team he landed on?

Red Sox.

Fucking ay, that's right!

Since we're from New England (suck it, Yankees!), landing on the Red Sox was like the cherry on the proverbial stripper popping out of the giant cake with big, electronic vibrating toys and OH MY GOD SHE BROUGHT HER LESBIAN FRIEND!

I think that was supposed to be an ice cream reference, but... know...

Welcome to my brain.

Regardless, he's on the Red Sox and super pumped.

Knowing jack shit about tee-ball, I decide to go to the town's website to see what it's all about.

Let's see here....

Little League....Babe Ruth....AH! Tee-ball!

Here's what it says:


All players will bat (off a tee) each inning, and will reach base regardless of whether they are put out.

There are no strikeouts or walks.

The last player to hit in each inning will circle the bases, along with the runners on base.

No score is kept, and no playoffs are held.

Every participating child will receive a trophy at the end of the season.


* blink

* blink blink

No strikeouts?

No walks?

No fucking score?

No winners or losers?

Everyone gets a goddamn trophy?

Jesus H. Christ.

What the fuck did I just pay $145 for?

I'll tell you what I paid $145 for.

I paid $145 for:

1) a $10 shirt and a $5 cap

2) the privilege of taking him to a practice once a week where, apparently, they won't practice anything because it doesn't matter what the fuck happens anyway because - ooh...ooh - everyone gets a trophy including that stupid shit who never brings a fucking glove and always runs the bases fucking backwards every time

3) the ability to get my ass up and out of bed on every Saturday fucking morning and drive him to the ballfield at 8 fucking 30 so I can watch him give no effort in order to not win or lose

Mother of God.

I could have put down four fucking magazines in my front yard and have him run around them a few times and then pat him on the head and give him a fucking lollipop and get the same goddamn effect.


Of course, he DID get a Red Sox cap.

So I guess there's always that.

Oh yeah:
Yankees suck.

Like that's news.


SoapWithBalls said...

Hey he'll have fun, get to try & hit the ball and have his first 'team'...of course you could of bought a t-ball set for like $25 bucks, invited a few of his friends over & taught them differently but he'll only get this 'no pressure' approach in t-ball, after that its win, win,win...let him enjoy'll be screaming from the stands soon enough. Enjoy your 8:30 T time...LOL
Wait till he decides hockey thats like 5:30 AM here.

Christina_the_wench said...

You got screwed without a kiss or lube. Poor thing.


FawkesFire said...

yeah. a lot of kiddie teams are starting to do this now.....kinda sucks. theres no "sport" to it anymore. even my 6 year old cousin seems annoyed that his hockey team has no winners or losers now....

Moooooog35 said...

BallSoap: No hockey for my kid...I'm a dedicated dad, but not THAT dedicated. He wants to play hockey, he can sign up when he's old enough to drive himself.

Christina: It's how I roll.

Susan: You know...went back and reread and you're right...lot's of 'fucks' in that post.

Here's one more!


You're welcome.

FawkesFire: On the bright side, at least he's not figure skating.

MJenks said...

I suddenly don't feel so sorry for "poor Yorick".

I always check the league out before I sign my kids up. if there's going to be any of this feel-good everybody wins no score hippy bullshit, I move on to the next league.

FawkesFire said...

true enough..but in kiddie/ junior figure skating here they still give out medals to the actual winners....

Christina_the_wench said...

And men buy sports cars and date women young enough to be their daughters. Had to throw that out there.

saratogajean said...

I say bring a markerboard and keep your own score.

Unknown said...

yes, yes, welcome to the world of kids and said...

You can be one of those obnoxious parents who SCREAM at any error the kids make. Spitting, swearing, incoherent hollering at a 5 year old imperfection.
It'll give something for the other parents to do.....

Narm said...

Hey news flash - a Boston fan is bitching about something! The AP is going to pick this up because it only happens every 3-4 seconds!

Bastards. Must be rough winning the Super Bowl, NBA Champ and World Series every other year. Luckily in Cleveland that hasn't happened in 45 years so we don't have to worry.

Jaime @ Fast Times said...

That's lame, but it's what America is coming to: rewarding the average instead of rewarding the exceptional.

But the Red Sox hat should make up for this sad season of wannabe baseball.

Me said...


And yes, "Alas" is too high brow for this blog. Definitely stick with, "But I just about shit a brickhouse" (or whatever phrase you said) alas, it is much more fitting.

Moooooog35 said...

mjenks: I know. Who knew that Yorick was such a playah?

Fawkes: Are you seriously touting the benefits of child's figure skating vs. tee-ball here?

You may want to rethink this strategy.

Doug: Mmmm..ass lips.

Christina: someone likes Dooooug...someone likes Dooooug...

Saratoga: That would be work. I don't like work. That's a bad suggestion.

Stacie: so far, it's a veritable cornucopia of suck.

Repli: Um...duh.

Narm: I know...being perfect so sucks when there's a blemish, you know?

Oh. Nevermind.

You don't.

HA HA Cleveland!!

Jaime: Yes. The hat makes it all worthwhile.

What's wrong with you people today?

Smiley: You're right. I should stay ghetto.

Coffeypot said...

It's fun and funny watching all the kids in the field playing with the dirt, chasing bugs in the outfield and anything but baseball while all the parents are screaming their lungs out, "Pay Attention, Chad (gay at 5)"

Mike said...

That sucks ass.

You should keep score.

That's right.

And make yourself even more of an ass doing it.

The losers should cry as comeuppance for that sissy ass bullshit.

And by losers I mean the retards that came up with the "everybody wins rule".

I'm scared for the next leaders of the world. We're fucking doomed.

Anonymous said...

I knew I liked your blog for a reason (besides the obvious 6 pack you have granted me from all the laughing) - GO RED SOX!

And Narm - suck it.

Desert Rat said...

GOOOO Red Sox! Awe it's going to be cute none the less!

Mike said...

Oh yeah.

If T-ball is no sport, then why did I get cut from the team.....?


Never mind.

Just forget I asked that question.

Malach the Merciless said...

Holy crap, I only charge my guys $50 to play softball . . . .

Mr. Condescending said...

that blows!!!

Sara Sue said...

Ahhh, organized sports! Go Sox!

Blonde Goddess said...

When I read "Yankees Suck" I wet myself with joy.

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