Cool as Shit | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Cool as Shit

Thank you, Verizon, you made me laugh today.

Except for that f*cking “Can you hear me now” asshole...

...he still needs to die.

But I’ve digressed.


You may have previously read that I had to get a new phone when I took a new job.

(Looking for a great practical joke?! Click on that link above. In my case, it wasn't a practical joke. Friggin' kids.)


My old job required me to carry a BlackBerry, full of email, games, Internet access..the works.

It was like a tiny little party, all wrapped up in cute little device that would F*CKING LOCK UP EVERY FIVE HOURS REQUIRING ME TO YANK THE F*CKING BATTERY TO GET IT BACK.

Ahem.

I liked my BlackBerry.

But alas, it is now gone.

My new job requires me to show up, maybe do some stuff, then go home.

I sometimes may do up to two of the previously mentioned three things.


Here’s how the purchase of my new phone went:

Verizon Salesguy: “So…what features would you like in your new phone?”

Me: “It needs to make phone calls….and maybe even get phone calls.”

I saw the salesman's hopes and dreams swiftly dashed as he realized he was about to spend 30 minutes with me and get a 20-cent commission.

This is what you get for majoring in Liberal Arts, you stupid shit.


Regardless, I got a tiny little piece of shit phone that basically does nothing.

This is good, because my bill is pretty low.

This is bad, because now I have nothing to do while I’m taking a shit at work.

That is…until today.

You see…my phone…it has…it has…

A CAMERA.

(queue porn music)

(woops...wrong soundtrack)


So, as I’m sitting on the pooper for the third time today (I think I'm now bleeding), I’m fumbling through the giant menu set of my phone to find something to keep me occupied.

Besides, you know, shitting.

Unfortunately, my phone menu looks like this:

1) Calls
2) Contacts
3) Camera


Since I don’t get any calls, and have already rearranged and grouped and alphabetized all of my contacts at least 16 times while crapping...

...I decided to turn on the camera.

Me: “Huh. That’s pretty cool.”

(small things amuse me...this is why I masturbate so much)

So, I’m sitting there on the john, pants around my ankles, holding up my camera and playing with the different settings of it.

Then, it happened.

I clicked the “Take Picture” button.


It’s at this moment in time that I should probably tell you that the other two stalls in this bathroom are occupied…

...including the one right next to me.

As I said, I clicked the “Take Picture” button.

At this moment, two things happen:

1) The flash goes off
2) My phone makes that “Kajoosh” camera/shutter sound

Oh.

No.

*cricket*

The room goes completely silent.

I have no idea what the guy in the stall next to me was thinking as he:

a) Hears me say, “Huh. That’s pretty cool.”
b) Hears the camera go off and the flash light up as I then take a picture.

Shit.


Nice one, Rod.

On a side note, if you ever want to have some fun in a public bathroom, I highly suggest using this method.

However, you may want to do some of the following before taking the picture:

1) Grunt loudly and then say, “Oh man…she’s gonna love this one.”

2) Exclaim, “My doctor is gonna freak when he sees this.”

3) Laugh out loud, take the picture, then place a fake call saying loudly, “Hey…you remember that thing we did with the hamster?

I miss my BlackBerry…but apparently you too can make your own fun on a $39/month plan.

I’m here to help.

Enjoy.

29 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

You talk outloud to yourself in a bathroom stall? That concerns me more than you filming your shit.

Mike said...

Well, It could have been worse.

The guy in the next stall could have asked you for a copy.

kathcom said...

Did you wait until they left or not bother to wipe and haul ass out of there?
(Please tell me there are more than 3 people at your company, so you have plausible deniability.)
By the way, I applaud you buying a phone that is only a phone and not a 21st century Swiss Army knife.

LBluca77 said...

Blackberrys rule. I read blogs. While I poop. Don't worry I'm not pooping now.

Stacie's Madness said...

or the guy in the next stall could have said,
"me next, me next"

"do me, do me"

*sigh*
hilarious.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: Who else am I going to talk to? I gave up talking to my stool when, one day, it talked back.

Creepy poo.

Mike: Good point. I'm surprised you didn't.

Kathcom: I waited until they left, yes.

However, they were all waiting outside and a crowd had gathered.

Stupid papparazzi.

Lbluca: Thanks for clarifying. I feel better knowing you're reading me without grunting.

Stacie: Who says he didn't?

Bow Chica Wah Wah said...

Comedy.

pure comedy!!

LiLu said...

So... where's the pic? Was it NSFW- too much corn?

coffeypot said...

Hello, honey, I just passed the flashlight. Wait and I will take a picture of it. There! Can you see it now? Your welcome! But next time lets not cover the whole damn thing with Vaseline, okay.

Martini said...

Why do phones have sound effects? It makes me feel like I own a Fisher Price My First Cellie.

Coolred38 said...

The guy next door should have passed his phone under the stall wall with the cam already on...if you know what I mean...snark!!!

Jen said...

At least he didn't tap your shoe. I have a Blackberry and I love it. I have so many pictures of my thumb or forefinger I'm going to rent space and have a show. I too have a flash which now makes taking pictures of people who amuse me harder to do. Now I need to get a release.

Kellie said...

My neighbors kid will tell them when he has to poop by saying
"I have to take a groaner"

Diturbing? Yes, but hella funny too.

repliderium.com said...

Could you please now start posting random (and totally inappropriate) photos that you take through out the day?
Please, only the inappropriate ones. I have standards you know.

FawkesFire said...

what worries me is that you talk to yourself inside of the bathroom. didn't you yourself once write a blog about not talking in bathrooms? or does rule only apply to urinals? just curious.

The only thing that I'm sure could have made the moment any worse for the guy next to you was if you reached under the door to your stall, holding your phone and asked if he wanted to see....

either way...props for giving the dude nightmares of a Japanese tour group bursting into his stall screaming "PICTURE!!! YOU TAKE PICTURE WITH US?!" tmi? yeah...I'm gonna have nightmares....jerk....

Nooter said...

that little dog reminds me of the pup i saw at the park last weekend, what an assmunch!

moooooog35 said...

Bow: What? NO TIP?!?!?

Lilu: You can find it as one of the top rated entries on ratemypoo.com.

Yes. That's a real site.

Enjoy.

Coffee: Um.

* blink

Martini: You do have a Fisher Price phone.

The googly eyes on the front of it as you pull it behind you should be a dead giveaway.

Coolred: I'll be sure to mention it to him next time.

Jen: I need to get a release, too.

Oh. You mean a legal thing.

I'm thinking of something different.

Kellie: They should stop feeding the kid tacks.

Tips here are free today!

Fawkes: Sometimes, I'm the only one who will listen to me.

Thanks for depressing me.

Nooter: Did he at least give you a reach around?

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh.My.God. I am laughing so much that I am practically crying right now. You are sofa king funny. I do wonder what the guy in the next stall was thinking after hearing you talk to yourself followed by the flash/noise of your camera phone. That is HYSTERICAL.

FawkesFire said...

well, so long as the voices are friendly I suppose its okay for you to talk to yourself. ;)

justjp said...

Dude! You totally have me crying from laughter over here.

rs27 said...

You should post that pic.

Not on this blog though.

I have standards.

Loni's World said...

LMAO! I can only imagine being in the other stall.

moooooog35 said...

Meleah: I'm good at making women cry.

I'm usually naked when that happens, though.

Fawkes: Friendly? Well they...um...hold on.

Nevermind. They said I shouldn't answer that.

justjp: Have you met Meleah? Maybe you guys can get together over a box of Puffs Plus.

rs27: I have standards, too.

They're just really, really low.

Loni's: Why would you want to imagine taking a shit?

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Holy crap, that was funny. I had a running film going through my head as I read it. Good job!!

P.S. And I hope the photo turned out.

Malach the Merciless said...

What we don't get to see said photo?

Chris Wood said...

I'm glad the wonders of technology brighten your day while having a dump. Fine stuff!

VE said...

Another excellent poo focused post! That antique cell phone you pictured...I think it is female as it has boobs...

Me-Me King said...

Hilarious, although it was difficult for me to get past the first photo! Buwahahaha!

freetheunicorns said...

I'm just glad the picture wasn't taken during your other favorite past time.

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