I Think I'm Growing Mushrooms | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Think I'm Growing Mushrooms


"Can you straighten it?" asked the doctor?

* blink

Me: "Doc, I haven't been able to straighten it without pills for, like, two years."

Stupid penis.

Doc: "Um...I mean your finger. Can you straighten your finger."

Oh.

I was wondering why an orthopedic surgeon was asking about Mr. Wiggly.

I was hoping maybe he could shim it straight up or some shit. Maybe tape a popsicle stick to it.

Shit, now that I think of it...

...I can do THAT without having to put out a copay.

The hunt for an answer continues!!

I believe I've digressed.


So I went back to the orthopedist after having surgery three weeks ago and having a cast on my arm up to my elbow.

Here's what my arm has looked like for the past three weeks:


Yep.

So, for three weeks I've basically had no opposable thumbs (just like Rosie O'Donnell) and got out of doing things like:

1) Dishes
2) Yard work
3) Anything requiring lifting

Sshhhhh...if you listen closely...

...you can hear the sound of every guy reading this is smashing his hand with a hammer.


However...it wasn't all XBox and Roses.

I also:

1) Couldn't get the stupid cast wet in the shower

This required the use of some weird elephant-latex-condom-thingy that I had to pull over my cast so the stupid fucking thing wouldn't get wet.

I can see why elephants get all the ladies.


2) Had to shave my balls with one hand

Good. God.

For all you guys manscaping out there:

Don't try this at home.


Since guys have it a little rougher when it comes to the nether-region grooming department...

...I expect at least SOME sympathy from the chicks out there.

Seriously - what do YOU ladies have to dodge when your shaving down there?

And, sister, if you DO have to dodge something, let me say this:

Whore.

That shit ain't supposed to be hanging out, woman.

It just ain't.

It should more resemble the Bonneville Salt Flats but without all the cracks and racing cars.

And...um...salt.


But guys have to move shit around...

...lift things up...pull it to the left...yank it to the right.

It's like doing cardio but with stubble.

So, not ONLY do I not have the luxury of being able to move my junk out of the way...

...but I also can't do it in the shower because of my stupid elephant penis cast cover.

Yep.

Dry Ball Shaving.


(coming to the 2010 Summer Olympics)

Put the hammers down, guys.

Put the hammers down.


With all that said, I went to the doctor's to have my cast and stitches removed.

As the nurse cut the cast off, you could actually see green gases coming out from it...

...as 3 weeks of un-showered dead-skin Moooooog arm lay underneath.

I could have shit my pants right then and there and no one would have noticed.

Except me. I probably would have.

Shit being in my pants, and all.

Here's what greeted me:


Hot.

Not sure when my dead grandfather came and replaced his forearm and hand with mine, but I wish he would have at least left a note and maybe some money.

Hey...grandpa...

Those $2 bills you gave me for Christmas all those years really didn't go up in value like you thought.

So, realistically, you gave me, like, maybe $14 for Christmas in total.

Un-fucking-believable.


So I'm sitting here now, with a semi-mobile pinky finger trying painfully to bend it.

Right now, I can make it bend maybe 1/2 way to my palm before it stops and I give up while whimpering like the producer of a Richard Simmons exercise video.

On the bright side, I'll be shaving my balls tonight with two hands.

Oh.

And doing dishes and maybe some yard work.

Hey. Buddy.

Pass me that hammer.

29 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

Ew. Shaved balls. Ew. Stop it. Making me nauseous.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Jesus H. Pinky Tuscadero! Who did the surgery, your local abortionist? Did they also remove your gall bladder through that incision?

Serious pucker factor. If I would have seen this first, my balls would have rectracted!

Ow.

Jenn Thorson said...

Oh Moog... they totally Frankensteined your hand, dude! Are you sure that's even your finger there? Could it not be one of a corpse they replaced it with?

That just isn't right!

ettarose said...

All I can say is you better not let that guy do your vasectomy. I think your penis would really need a popsicle stick. Good luck with the nice painful therapy. Just sayin.

Arielle said...

I gotta go with Jenn, who stitched up your hand? Dr. Frankenstein? Did you get the surgeon in training or was it bring your kid to work day?

DouglasDyer said...

Something doesn't add up. Your arm smells like Chuck Manson's wet ass but you still needed to manscape? Has Mrs. Moog lost her olfactories?

LBluca77 said...

Why doesn't your wife help you with the ball shaving? I thought that was part of the marriage vows. Reason # 342 why I am not getting married.

Becky..AMHW said...

Your hand probably smells like the flats.

How do I know? My house is only a couple miles west of that photo of the flats. Serious. I can see the curve of the earth from my front yard.

And because the flats are right on the NV border, you can come over, put a nickle in a slot machine, and get tequila for FREE. They don't care if your labia minora hang out or not.

And here is the part of my comment where I shudder a little bit with the image of all the tequila enhanced activities that can be done with a stinky salty cast.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: Don't knock em til you try em. Put a little on your plate. Don't make a face before you taste it. Some kids think it's great.

The 'Time for Timer' thing seemed pretty appropriate until the 'kids' remark.

Going60: One plate and three pins = what you see here.

Hooray for me.

Jenn: I'm sure. Although, I DO have the desire to kill people now without warning.

No different than usual, really.

Etta: Too late on the vasectomy, honey. If you're really interested in reading that, search this site for 'vasectomy' and you'll get the full, hairless ball details.

Arielle: Doogie Howser, MD. Never go with who your insurance company recommends.

Doug: I keep up the manscaping just in case I get the green light.

Just. In. Case.

Lbluca: AAH!! Any man who lets a woman near his junk with a razor is friggin' crazy. Tricky shit down there...I need to know that I'm in control.

John Bobbitt is nodding his head in agreement.

Not that one. That one doesn't work any more.

Becky: I have a labia minora?

Mike said...

Also, if you nick that shit while manscaping it just doesn't stop bleeding.

You should wait till it does before putting pants on.

Asking why that lady with a beard is menstruating is kind of embarrassing.

coffeypot said...

Dude, have you tried an electric razor? You only need one hand, no danger in cutting yourself, and it tickles your balls like you were naked on a riding lawnmower. You might even shave three or four times a day.

Blonde Goddess said...

Er....your balls get so hairy you have to shave them?

Ok...
I'm kind of grossed out and that's hard to do.
The picture of the stitched up hand has been replaced with you in tightey whiteys with a fur coat stuffed in the front of them.

Cindee said...

I don't know what made me puke harder:
the razor burn photo
the corpse hand
or blonde goddess's visual image of you and your fur coat...
oops gotta go ralph again....

Stacie's Madness said...

OK, two hands are required (that's what he said) when shaving the woman netherlands as well...not cause stuffs hanging out...but crevices, there are crevices...and maybe now I've said too much.

C.B. Jones said...

Zombie hand...At least the scar is cool.

Kellie said...

Ew. That scar looks nasty. You need to go see Dr. Troy McNamara. He'll fix it up in no time and be super hot while doing it.

And I agree w/ Stacie above. There are crevices that need attention to down there w/ women. Obviously. 2 hands required!

moooooog35 said...

Mike: I've reread your last sentence, like, 3 times and I'm still, like:

* cricket

No clue, dude. No clue what you're trying to say there.

Congrats on the methadone.

Coffee: Point taken. Heading out to buy a Norelco right now.

See you next week. I'll be in the bathroom the rest of the time with my rechargeable batteries.

BG: I grossed you out? Hooray for me!

Cindee: I'm like epicac but with a penis.

Stacie: Crevices?

Unless you're Oprah...then it's crevasses.

CB: I know...if only I could look really cool while holding it up all curled and deformed looking and shit.

Kellie: Only if Kimber assists.

VE said...

Why am I glad I'm smart enough not to come over here during lunch? I don't think I could have stomached those meatballs after this...

Chris Wood said...

Shaving your balls one handed? That, sir, is a feat.

Thinkinfyou said...

Neosporin is key to no razor burn..just a helpful hint!

Dr Zibbs said...

I always wondered about the dudes with crooked dicks. Mine is totally staight.

Dr Zibbs said...

Note that the information above was intended for the foxy ladies.

Sorry. No fatties.

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh, sounds like my elbow

Malicious Intent said...

Your elbow? I really want to see Malach shave his balls with his elbow. That would be a keeper for sure.

Um, congratulations? You got to remove the cast before your hand completely rotted away. I think this is a good thing.

Mean stitches dude, mean.

Susan said...

Holy elephant visual. Seriously.

Ok, so good luck with the ball shaving. And for those against it, I'm on your side on this one.

Seriously.

Kelly said...

Be careful with your grooming, cuts are bad down there!

repliderium.com said...

oh fuck. I can seriously smell that FROM HERE!

moooooog35 said...

VE: Thanks for the visual of you eating meatballs.

Chris: Thanks. I'm going to start my own circus.

Two rings.

Thinking: Plus it won't get infected when I play with it in the sandbox!

Zibbs: A great superhero once said:

"With fat chicks come great big fat boobs."

I may have misquoted him there.

Malach: You masturbate with your elbow?

MI: They ARE mean stitches. One keeps yelling at me to take out the trash.

Susan: NOW you volunteer?!

meleah rebeccah said...

just looking at your hand HURTS me! I cant imagine manscaping w/ one hand. Kudos for not just letting it grow wild for a week or two.

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