The Soapbox Mushroom Cloud | Mental Poo

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Soapbox Mushroom Cloud

As far as the pack goes, my son will probably be the runt of the litter.

Let me explain.

I was in the gym locker room the other day at work, with my boss' testicles nowhere in sight.

Just to clarify:

I'm not sad about this.

My review isn't for another 6 months, so the less I have to see of them before I'm forced to nuzzle them gently for my pay raise while his two chihuahuas watch, the better.

Their interview process here is weird.

Regardless, I was in the gym when Ian, a former high school friend of mine who was suckered into buying some of my daughter's Girl Scout cookies, started talking to me about them.

Ian: "Hey Rod. Next year, remind me not to buy any of those Tagalongs."

Next year?!

Me: "Ian. If I'm hawking Girl Scout cookies this time next year, just do me a favor and put a fucking bullet in my head."

I sold 40 boxes myself and didn't even get a handy from the troop leader.

Friggin' gyp.

What makes this much less funny is that the troop leader is actually my wife.


Male Girl Scouts are discriminated against in the bedrooms of America.

I put that in the 'Complaints' box at home, but I don't think it will go anywhere.

Me: " year I'm signing my son up for Cub Scouts. I wonder what shit they sell."

Another guy...

(who, for some fucking reason, constantly SNORTS instead of blowing his fucking nose OHMYGOD WILL YOU JUST BLOW YOUR NOSE?!? JUST BLOW IT!!!) the locker room pipes up:

Snorty McBoogerNose: "Cub Scouts sell candy. But the fun part is the soapbox derby. You get to build a go-cart and race them."

Let me get this straight:

I get to build a go-cart?!?

I pause on this, and reflect upon my keen skills as a carpenter.


1) the time I hung a ceiling fan in my son's room which five minutes later burst into flames while he was sleeping

2) the time I called my builder to have him come and tighten my kitchen faucet with a wrench

3) the time I tried to check a clog in a pipe and ended up covered in my own feces


Me: "Man. My kid is SO fucked."

Snorty: "Well...they let you use power tools, at least."


My vast array of power tools.

Me: "Well, unless I can build the whole fucking thing with a power screwdriver, my kid is screwed."

I can see it now.

All these other kids sitting at the starting line with their rocket cars and Speed Racer Mach 3 replicas...

...and my kid sitting there in something made of shingles, leftover siding and a shitload of screws.



I can see it now:

They're going to shoot off the starting gun...

...and all these other kids are going to be rolling down the the hill towards the finish line...

...and my kid will still be sitting there in his shingle-siding-shit-mobile trying to get the stupid thing rolling on the tiny little wheels made of screwed-on yo-yo's.

At which point he'll just go:


...into a little mushroom cloud.

Poor kid.

He's gonna wish they just sold cookies.


Christina_the_wench said...

What the hell is wrong with you?Teach your boy to kick the other boys' asses and TAKE their go carts. All's fair in love and Cub Scouts.

Girl Scout cookies suck anyways.

Mike said...

At least you know now to take out a HUGE life insurance policy on your boy, cuz next year you get to collect.

Here's a tip though: Find an old riding lawnmower and slap a spoiler on the back. At least those things already come with wheels.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Why don't you just "scout" out the neighbourhood, and steal a cart that looks good? There's nothing morally wrong with that, is there?? And all that matters is that you and your son look awesome and so cool, which you will.

Cindee said...

Uh Moog, the Pinewood Derby isn't a Go Kart -- it's a little wooden block of soft wood (maybe 10" long) that you carve into a car and you guys race that. Man, those hyped up on steroid daddy dudes are gonna eat you alive...cause it ain't about the boys -- it's about the machismo. Your kid is definately fucked.

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: Girl scout cookies suck?!

Obviously you've never had a Samoa or frozen a Do-Si-Do.

OMG. I think I'm gay.

Mike: Excellent tip. Because nothing says 'family fun' like a kid on a vehicle equipped with spinning blades of death.

Mary: Well, then I'm not signing him up. We look awesome and cool as-is.

Cindee: No one works better with 'soft wood' than myself.

I've been dealing with this shit for years now.

I totally suck. said...

Bring in a ringer. Your son is still young enough to master the world of deception. You seriously think any girl scout with a hot teenage sister actually sold her own damn cookies?

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Did someone say dress up? Woo! I gots something with sequins on it for Moog and his kid!

Oh, and I love Thin Mints, but the hell am I going to buy any from kids who sit at a table in front of a store. Run down my car in traffic like the rest of the hard working girl scouts.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Christina on this one. If you can't beat'em, beat'em up and still their cart. Or, you know, sabotage them with some ex-lax laced Girl Scout cookies.

Sorry to hear about the lack on a handy. Bummer. Sell 100 boxes next year and maybe it'll happen.

Anonymous said...

Like father, like son... so they say.

The kid doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell!

And what the hell are thumb tacks doing in your power tool kit?


Anonymous said...

I guess you could always use your array of power tools to kidnap a NASCAR mechanic, and force him at pushpin-point to build a car for your son.

I don't think it's illegal if you feed him during his imprisonm.. I mean, volunteer work.

Anonymous said...

Jesus, Cub Scouts sell popcorn, not candy. I know this because I have a raving popcorn salesman in my house. He actually sold popcorn to a man with no teeth. Wish I was making that up. And the Pinewood Derby is SCOUTS ONLY. You will be reminded of this eleventy billion times from the time you get the kit til the damned thing is over. Just give him the kit and a hearty "GOOD LUCK" and you'll be golden.

Donnie said...

The Acid Mint cookies are great! I used to drop, er...I mean eat those years ago. Hell, tell your wife to build the damn soap box car. She'll tell him how to drive it anyway--fuck that!

Tash said...

Can't you just put him in a wagon and use a wall for brakes?

Malicious Intent said...

I think they give classes at HomeDepot for men who have no fucking clue how to hold a I am sure they can help you build a little car.

Coffeypot said...

Seriously, Moog, you can't use screwed on yoyos for wheels. They will roll forward for a few feet and then roll back. I don't even think they spin at the end, just down and back.

I think this is your funniest post ever because it is soooo true.

Kellie said...

Do they at least give you some building kit or something? They've got to help you at at least a little. I'd be completely clueless just like you. Maybe you could hire someone to fill in for you in your fatherly duties on this part.

Katie said...

You could use those cookies to bribe the other kids to lose. There's more than one way to win a race.

Anonymous said...

Moooooog, calm down and move away from the power tools. Just back far away. Your kid probably likes you with all your fingers. Besides, they really do sell popcorn and build itty bitty cars.

Malach the Merciless said...

You could always hire me to build it

Moooooog35 said... Where do I find a ringer? Are they for sale? Is this legal? Will Chris Hansen show up at my house again?

Fiona: Your suggestions suck.

No offense.

Becky: Sequins?


FreeUnicorns: Great idea about lacing the cookies with ex-lax. I'll do the 'samoas.'

That way, they'll be on the toilet like, "Oh comes samoa...and samoa...AND SAMOA!"

AV: thumbtacks + power tool set = part of the joke

Way to stay focused.

Tiggy: NASCAR mechanic? The only way you'd ever get me near a NASCAR anything if I was drugged, beaten and dragged there.

Even then I'd probably put up a fight.

laughing: popcorn. they sell popcorn.

Like I can't buy that shit in aisle 8.


Don: My wife bears the dubious distinction of once driving into my house with her car.

I'll teach him to drive, thank you very much.

Tish: Great idea...but who will race NEXT year?

MI: Home Depot? I've heard of that. They sell wood and shit, right?

I'll call my builder.

Coffee: Oooh...good point. Although they would be great for false starts.

Kellie: I've had enough people fill in on my fatherly duties. And husbandly duties. And duties in general.

Enough is enough.

Actually, 8 is enough.

Katie: ..and that's how I got kicked out of the den...

Sue: popcorn and little cars. Fascinating shit. I may just enroll him in the military.

Malach: Only if you take food stamps. Let me know. Thanks in advance.

meleah rebeccah said...

Please send me some Electric Kool Aid Acid thins, ASAP. Then maybe I'll understand what Tom Wolfe was talking about.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

is that a dissembled fleshlight in your tool box? who needs a hand job if you've got that!

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