Stuck on You - Part 1 (Jurassic Raphael) | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Stuck on You - Part 1 (Jurassic Raphael)

My frozen door handle – encased in ice - ignited the flashback.

Let me explain.

It was the early 90’s.

My wife and I had lived in an apartment for a few years while she was going to school.

Back then, I was in my 20’s, and actually had a hairline that didn’t resemble the state of Florida.

(FYI: Manatees make your scalp itchy)

My wife, on the other hand, had approximately 57 pounds of hair on her head.

It was the early 90's. It's what chicks did.

Sometimes, when I was tired, I would curl up and sleep in it...

...sheltered from the rain.

Me: "What the fuck is the UPS guy doing in here?"

The sheer amount of hair on her head required her to get up about a full day earlier than when she actually needed to leave the house.

This was so she could curl it, primp it and harden it.

(that's what she said)

Yeah…I said “harden” it.

That much hair took approximately two cans of “Super Hold” hairspray per day to keep it from moving.

As such, I think my wife is single-handedly responsible for the demise of hundreds of polar bears…global warming...

...and the quickening retreat of the glaciers.

HA! Suck it, itchy manatee bitches!

I love summer.

But back then, the environment wasn’t the problem.

Our security deposit was.

When you live in an apartment for a few years, and spray hairspray in the bathroom for the same number of years with your back up against the open door, three things happen:

1) The bathroom door gets a thick, protective coating – like Turtle Wax, but harder and stickier.

2) You have a historical record of insects and things that were trapped in the hairspray at a certain point in time.

This is similar to the amber phenomenon described in "Jurassic Park" but without that fucking annoying jackass Jeff Goldblum.

I can't believe he screwed BOTH Geena Davis AND Laura Dern. What the fuck is up with that shit?

I've gone off-topic.

I'm sure that if mosquitos, dust mites, or chihuahaus (knock on wood) go extinct in the next century, scientists will be able to clone new ones from the remains found in the hardened hairspray on our old apartment door.

But, most importantly...

3) You lose your security deposit.

On the day we were to move out of the apartment, we began cleaning the bathroom.

This was a sad day for me... it occurred to me that under no circumstance would I be getting my fucking security deposit back.

This insight was based primarily on the fact that I was using a screwdriver, chisel and putty knife in an attempt to remove the hairspray blob on the door...

...which had hardened to the consistency of Tommy Lee in that Pam Anderson video.


It was THAT hard.

(reminder to myself here to hide that video)

As I whittled away the layers, hour upon hour, I was able to find things I thought were once lost…



...Lou Gehrig rookie card perfectly preserved...

...the pool boy, Raphael.

What the...?

My wife has some explaining to do.


“…maybe a hammer can crack this…”

When the hammer eventually broke, I decided to give up.

My arms…limp from the hacking…were now as useless as wet noodles.

…and there…defiant in it all…was the yellowish blob of Super Hold with barely a nick in it.

Screw the deposit.

That bitch is GONE.

Just like the last four hours of my life chipping away at this shit.

God speed, Raphael.

God speed.


Mike said...

I loved the 80's. All my babysitters had big hair and chewed lots of gum.

I chewed lots of gum too.

I disposed of the gum in their big hair without them even knowing, from the other room.

They never could figure out what I was laughing about.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I had big hair and used lots of hair spray. And we never did get it cleaned off the walls and door. Instead, we repainted to make it match the spray colour. Smart, eh?

Unknown said...

Oh God I remember all the spider stories. Those wenches who had hair bigger than King Kong's thatch had spiders spinning webs in that shit. There is no telling how many big haired women died from the spider bites.

MJenks said...

Next time, try nail polish remover. Or mineral spirits.

Or vaseline, because I'm assuming (like me) you've graduated to the KY by now. Look at us...we're all grown up.

LBluca77 said...

It would take almost an entire can of Aquanet to get hair like that. Oh how I miss the 80's.

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: Your comment is much funnier if you change the word 'gum' to begin with a 'c.' Seriously. Try it.

Mary: I hate painting so much that I'd rather lose the money.

I'm smart.

Etta: FYI - a 'spider bite' is also the name of a little fart that slips out during sex.

Wonder how many women die from THAT.

mjenks: If it came in a bottle and smelled like chemicals, we tried it. A million years from now, archaeologists will find that door perfectly preserved.

Lbluca: I know. My hair was actually similar to that back then, too.


Blonde Goddess said...

I never did the big hair thing. I was always Au Natural...

( I did use hairspray to tame the pubes before I learned to trim.)

Unknown said...

Aqua Net.
That was my friend and the bathroom's worse enemy.

fiona said...

I was a Big Hair gal back then so I "get it" My use of hairspray was not limited to the bathroom though, hall mirror *spray*, living room mirror *spray*, glimpse of self in kitchen window *spray* yes I was a Hairspray addict. The house I lived in was turned into a maximum security prison and did I get the credit? Feck no. When I think of the effort I put in securing the place...

Douglas said...

There are very few photos of my wife from the 80s where her hair isn't touching all four sides of the picture. She could easily have passed for any member of Night Ranger.

Moooooog35 said...

BG: Um.


Stacie: I can say the same thing about me and Mexican food.

Bow: Yep...the 90's. When men were men but resembled women who looked like men resembling women.

I need rest now.

Fiona: You'd figure that your house would be considered a maximum security prison based on the presence of all the level 3 sex offenders hanging around, instead of the thing with the hairspray.

Go figure.

Douglas: Don't tell me you love me. Don't tell me you love me. Don't tell me...I don't..wannnnna know.

Sister Christian says 'sup.'

Christopher Jones said...

What, no plastic explosives?

rachaelgking said...

I miss my hair crimper. Nothing cooler than zig zag hair.

Coffeypot said...

In 1980 I divorced my first fife and started dating. I had a hard time making child support, apartment and auto payments without have to keep on buying new pillow cases. All that stiff hair was like steel wool and would slice the pillow cases like razors. And you had to be real careful where you grabbed if you were getting a BJ, too.

Katie said...

I grew up in New the eighties. I still have a scar on my forehead from the curling iron. I blame manatees for this.

Moooooog35 said...

CB: NOW you suggest this?

LiLu: I know. I had a zigzag mullet.

Fo shizzle.

Kellie: Tell Tiny I said, 'bring it on!'

You can make magic with Aqua Net, a hair crimper and a curling iron?

Cris Angel will never be the same for me now.

Coffee: I know. I remember getting BJ's from your wife and it was just like you say.

Katie: Con't they still do that to their hair in Jersey?

Also, in Hell, the Devil is really Rachael Ray riding bareback on a pair of manatees.

rachaelgking said...

P.S. I think you will appreciate my TMI Thursday today more than anyone else.

Malicious Intent said...

ya coulda just shaved her head while she was asleep.

I mean, I would NEVER do such a thing, but you should have at least considered it.

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