Stuck on You - Part 2 (The Walk of Sticky Shame) | Mental Poo

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Stuck on You - Part 2 (The Walk of Sticky Shame)


I like boobies.

This has nothing to do with today's post.

I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Discuss.

**************

Yesterday I reminisced about how my wife single-handedly ruined our apartment door using hair products on her giant hair back in the 80's.

On a side note, I've single-handedly ruined many a towel in my day using lube and a good imagination...

...but we're not here to talk about that.


Fast forward to today, where my wife sports a much shorter, sexier do.

Although this requires less hairspray…it still requires hairspray.

Apparently, although years have passed and new advances in science have been made...

...hairspray is still sticky enough to trap small mammals.

Including. Me.

I found this out this past weekend while cleaning the master bathroom that my wife and I share.


Here’s the thing…

Even using the bathroom every day, you never really know how much hairspray is in there - and the extent to what it’s covering...

...until you get the surfaces WET.

That's what she said.

What?


I discovered this scientifically by dripping water on the tile floor from my fresh-from-the-shower glistening Adonis-like body…

…and stepping in said water.

The water on my feet immediately mixed with the congealed hairspray ALSO invisibly spread on the tile.

The introduction of these two elements immediately created a super-glue substance that would successfully hold Whoopi Goldberg's mouth shut.

HAHAHAHA!

Made myself laugh.

I love when that happens.


Regardless, I was immediately frozen in place.

“…what the…?”

Fear gripped me…as the heel of my right foot, and ball of my left foot stuck fast to the floor.

“my..GOD...they’ll…never…find…me…tell my family I love them...”

My rubber ducky stared back at me in rubbery silence.

That fucking duck is useless.


My thoughts immediately turn to the show “SurvivorMan” and I begin to assess my situation and surroundings…

Looks like I'm in this for the long haul.

I look around, and wonder if the hand towel is actually edible.

I decide it is not, as I poo’d a little earlier in the day…

...and there were probably still subatomic poo particles clinging on over there.

Poo particle: "Hey Rod!"

Me: "Hey Poo!"

We're tight.


As I was determined to NOT die of my own e-coli, eating the towel was out.

Also, I do other things with towels very often and lose track on which ones are covered in my own filth.

I've digressed.

As I reach down to grab my ankle and give it a pull, my eye catches a small bug on the floor…

…a victim of the glue-trap himself…

...a tiny, horrified, little bug scream etched on his little bug face…

Bug: "...why...?"


DEFIANT, I look towards the sky and yell:

“I WILL NOT DIE THIS WAY!!!!”

Again:

Duck. Does. Nothing.

I was able to pull my feet out of the glue puddle with a “..slurp-smack!” sound as my foot broke free.

..this scene repeated itself as my wet-glue-feet landed back on the floor…as I made my way to the vanity counter…

Finally…I reached the rug in front of one of the sinks.

Hey! The rug…IT’S NOT STICKY!!!

However, the glue mixture on the bottom of my feet combined with the bathroom rug I was now standing on made my feet resemble Sarah Jessica Parker's face buried in Matthew Broderick's crotch.


I contemplated kissing the ground out of joy from my newfound freedom…

...until the fear of being stuck like Rosie O'Donnell to a chicken drumstick stopped me.

The rest of the bathroom…as I went on cleaning…had the same, gritty, Super Hold coating.

Apparently…hairspray particles migrate.

FLY! BE FREE!


Regardless, I blasted the toilet from a distance with enough Oven-Off cleaner to effectively poison my local water supply.

(reminder to myself to buy bottled water)

I was keeping my distance from the toilet…there was NO WAY I was getting stuck to that thing…

…as not only had the hairspray created a protective coating on the TOP of the seat…but it had also sealed – for future posterity – a few poop splash spots on the BOTTOM of the seat.

…and I don’t think the scientists of the future want to examine THAT.

Hairspray.

Drives me crazy.

But, damn…my wife looks good.

21 comments:

Narm said...

Being stuck to the toilet isn't THAT bad. I had Chipotle for lunch and have been in here since. I wonder if I could get cable put in here.

fiona said...

The "Duck" has to go...
He's NOT your friend even if you do enjoy "playing" with him.

Bon Don said...

So all I read was that you bent over and grabbed your ankles! ... humm very "bendy"

moooooog35 said...

Narm: I have cable and a 15" LCD in my master bath. No shit.

Greatest. Thing. Ever.

How I'm still not in there right now watching SportCenter, I have no idea.

Fiona: You're right. You think maybe I can put him on Ebay?

Bon Don: Weird reading that and it's not about you, huh?

coffeypot said...

Did you try peeing on your feet? I hear that works wonders with glue.

Malicious Intent said...

The price of beauty. It's a bitch.
Feet look like my husbands.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

We do these things for you, sir. Because we know how much you like it. And we also like watching our men clean our hairspray messed bathrooms for us, because it turns us on oh so much.

Excuse me while I go re-spray my hair to give it a 10th coat.

Kellie said...

You had Frodo feet! Ewwww!!!

Martini said...

I often wonder how long it takes you to assemble all those pictures.

Whatever it is, be it at the cost of your job, it's worth it.

C.B. Jones said...

How long before you kick that freeloading duck out the house?

moooooog35 said...

Coffee: Dude...I had a tough enough time getting the poo off my leg.

Another story. Another time.

MI: Your feet look like your husbands?

Sexytime.

Mary: We like it? WE like it?! I couldn't care if your hair went limp at 9:00 in the morning as long as I know I'd be getting somethin' somethin' and maybe a steak when I got home.

So, yeah. Use your hairspray and give me another TV dinner.

I know how you women play the game.

Kellie: What...Frodo not a hottie?

Martini: I'll be sure to put that on my unemployment application.

CB: He's gone. I now have a boat.

Boring. And it keeps crashing into my fleshy lighthouse.

I Hate Commercials said...

Just goes to show you survivorman's tips can really help you any where your stranded.

Malicious Intent said...

Yes.

Susan said...

OK, I can't even comment because I'm laughing my ass off completely. Survivorman would be proud. And the poor stuck bug to the floor?? Holy shit. Thank god your wife looks good.

That's all that matters, right?

justjp said...

I am a fan of ta-tas as well. Dude, this had me ROFL! Strong work.

LiLu said...

You are officially the funniest person I e-know.

And every time you show something decorated with pink, I will forever think of your daughter's puke. That is all.

Mike said...

That's probably how the guy who invented those sticky pads to trap mice thought of that.

Blonde Goddess said...

So it's hairspray that made you stick to the floor huh?

I'm not buying it....Moog.

And now you've told everyone where to find all the foul-mouthed whores.
Just great.
Now where will we hold our next convention?

freetheunicorns said...

I heart boobies too. And I hate Whoopie. As for the Hobbit feet and crazy hairspray, lesson learned - thanks.

dani c said...

Can I glue my husband's nostrils closed when he snores ?

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

Damn doood, I save these posts till everyone else has left work so I can read and laugh out loud. Shit kills me. I can't hold it in.

Wouldn't want to try. Probably impode and leave all kinds of nasty messes behind.

Thanks, sniff sniff for being you.

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