Lexi and Me | Mental Poo

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Lexi and Me

Today, folks...a rare opportunity for you:

You will peer into my heart and soul.

My alternate title to this post:

My Stupid Dog

On a related note:

My heart is black like the night.


I've written a bit about my dog on this blog.

About the time that we were new in the neighborhood and I had a swearfest with the stupid bitch down the street because her fucking dog tried to eat my dog at 6 in the morning.

Stupid bitch.

Where was I?

Oh yeah...dog stuff...

There was the time my dog shit red.

And now...

...there's this time.

You see...we've had my mutt for about 13 years now.

She's old.

I've kind of been waiting for her to die.

Seriously...my fucking lawn is ruined from all her shit and piss.

There is no "Scott's Turfbuilder with Dogshit Repair Patch" to fix that.

Trust me - I've asked the folks at Home Depot.

I'm no longer welcome at Home Depot.

So, I'm pretty much waiting for her to kick it so I can have grass again.


This almost happened the other night.

At about midnight...my dog started coughing.

My dog started coughing so hard that she made herself throw up.

My wife and I sat with her for hours...

...consoling her...patting her...

...making her comfortable.

We were pretty sure she was dying.

I took time off the next day and took her to the vet.

She was still coughing and throwing up...and I feared that the kids had said their last 'goodbye's' to Lexi earlier that morning.

As they took Lexi away to have x-rays done, I started thinking about her and everything we've been through in 13+ years.

It was like 'Marley and Me' except no Jennifer Aniston and my nose isn't quite as fucked up as Owen Wilson's.

But I got to thinking about her anyway.

How she was our first 'kid,' she got all the attention before we had real children.

She appears in every single video I have...always mugging for the camera.

She was my girl.

And now...

...now I'd probably have to part with her.

I stifled back tears...

...the emotion welling in me to the point where I thought I'd break not even fully knowing the outcome.

It was harder than I thought it would be.

(I was going to write 'that's what she said' right here...but it occurred to me that no woman has ever said that to me)

The doctor came back in with Lexi, and showed me the x-rays.

Doctor: "Looks like she has bronchitis. I'll give you a prescription...she should start to get better in a few days."

A miracle.

She was going to be okay.

Me: "Phew. Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much."

Then I went to check out.

Receptionist: "You're Lexi's owner?"

Me: "Yes."

Receptionist: "Okay. That will be $217 dollars."

* blink

* blink blink

Me: "What? 217 dollars?!"

Receptionist: "Yes, sir."

* pause

Me: "How much to put her to sleep?"

Fucking dog.


Mike said...

Yup, I hear you brother.

Chewing on her ass till it bleed only to find out she had fleas and I had to fumigate my house - $143

Having to take her to emergency at 4 am because I'm thinking she had a seizure because she won't stop shaking when it just turned out something (read: nothing) outside freaked her out - $103

Everytime I take her to the pet store to buy her more kibble and she steals the shit on the bottom shelf that I have to pay for - $50

And she's only 4. Her breed's life expectancy is 16+. It's going to be an expensive 12 years.

Ketan said...

My hearty condolences are with you!

Christina_the_wench said...

Wait till you find out how much it costs when she DOES die to take care of the body. (read: $50) I just went through it. And apparently our home owners association frowns upon burying bodies in your back yard. Like I don't pay my HOA dues for a reason!

FawkesFire said...

Mutts have a serious life force thing going. our pure breed dogs lived about 12 years...all of our mutts lived to be 16 to 18....so.

with that happy knowledge at least you know you won't have to cover funeral expenses for a couple more years.

p.s sorry your dog is sick.

LBluca77 said...

I started to cry a bit when you talked about Marley and Me. Poor Lexi. To this day I remember my first dog and the day we had to put him down. I was 13. It was the one and only time I saw my dad cry.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

You've convinced me. I want a dog.

Anonymous said...

It seems Lowe's has the same issue as well.

repliderium.com said...

Ha! She is SOOOOOOO going to shit on your pillow tonight.

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: You may want to consider a home equity line while the rates are still low.

Ketan: I think you may have missed the last 'fucking dog' comment.

Christina: I don't plan on burying her when she kicks it.

We have a river out back that will do quite nicely.

Fawkes: She's better now...and back to being completely kickable.

Lbluca: I was lucky. All my dogs went to live on farms.

Becky: I got just the one for ya.

justjp: Yes. Five of them. I also like blue pickles.

If you're confused, then you're in the same boat as I am with your comment.

Repli: not if I shit on hers first.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Perhaps I've said too much.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Your dog is used. I want a fresh dog.

Unknown said...


I love your posts...

Narm said...

But if you put her to sleep who would lick peanut butter off your balls?

rachaelgking said...

I'm with Narm. Only I use tuna for my kittens.


Chelle Blögger said...

A bullet is only a few pennies...

Hell, bring her over to my place, I'll use an arrow. Those are reusable.

It will be a 'green' culling.

Moooooog35 said...

Becky: You want a fresh dog?

Interesting. I read the same thing about you in the men's room.

Stacie: And I love teriyaki.

Sorry. Thought we were talking about things we liked.

Narm: You have a weird way of volunteering.

Lilu: But how do you know when it's all gone?

OB: I always feel graced by your presence when you come here and comment.

Because nothing brightens my day more than "I'll kill your dog with an arrow."


Doug: Dude...I could have saved you the vet bill.

Mineral oil irritates their skin.

Try raspberry jelly.

I think we're brethren.

Sass said...

I have bronchitis.

I do not have a dog.

That is all.

Coffeypot said...

I wouldn't have said a thing. I would simply have disappeared before the receptionist eyes. All she would hear is the door slamming open and my car pealing out of the parking lot.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hence why I have a cat

Mr. Condescending said...

that dog is silly

Unknown said...

What are you feeding her? I have the greenest grass ever where my dog shits in the yard. Have to mow it way more often than the rest of it. When she does go have her stuffed and mounted, (no not you mounting the dog) you can give her the stink eye on a daily basis. Tell her "take that bitch" At least get your moneys' worth

Desert Rat said...

13 plus years - that's a commitment!You will miss your dog and all his expenses and messes.

Moooooog35 said...

Sass: Thank you for your comment.

And when I say, 'thank you,' I mean, 'what the fuck was that?'

Coffee: Tried that before.

You'd be surprised how fast the vet techs can run.

Kellie: No wonder I felt dizzy after the visit.

Fiona: I will buy horses when they make them 12" tall. Otherwise, fuck that shit. I don't even like taking care of my kids...nevermind a goddamn giant horse.

Malach: You're a cat person?

Well. I suppose that explains some things.

Mr. Condescending: She is silly. Silly and sexy. Sexy Lexi.

I need help.

Etta: What do you feed YOUR dogs? Grass seed?


Desert: Yes...I will miss my dog for approximately 2 minutes...maybe 3.

I will not miss the shit-dodging and ass-dragging and grass-vomiting.

There's a video waiting to be made in there somewhere.

kathcom said...

You're a good man, moooooog.I'm glad your dog will be around to cost you more on vet bills.

And I'm really glad that you don't have Owen Wilson's penis nose. That would be tragic.

nipsy said...

I started missing mine once, until my aim finally got better..

Shit..thought we were talking ex's here. Forget I mentioned that.

I don't want a dog now..

Seriously though, try having an exotic bird, plus finding a vet for said bird. $325 for antibiotics and one visit.

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