Cloudy with a Chance of an OJ Simpson Verdict | Mental Poo

Monday, June 22, 2009

Cloudy with a Chance of an OJ Simpson Verdict

Before I start:

Don't forget the BIIIIIIIG contest that I started last week.

You can win an authentic "Mental Poo" Mug!

Which, you know...

...you can also buy at my store.

Fine.

Contest ain't that big.

No more entries will be accepted after TODAY.

Sorry...I have to do it...remember...I'm a dumbass.

At least that's what Bloo thinks.

Now...ONWARD!!

**********************

I'm going on vacation in a couple of weeks.

And, no, you can't come.

Wow.

Had a vasectomy flashback there for a second.

I've gone off topic.

We're taking the family on a road trip.

First stop:

New York City.


Since I'm pretty anal about my trip planning...

(that's what the whore travel agent said)

...I thought I'd see if I could find a super long range weather forecast for New York City in July.

Like Farmer's Almanac.

Because, you know...

Who on Earth would know what the weather was going to be like an entire month from now in one of the busiest cities in the world better than a guy who fucks sheep?

Mmmm...sheep.

I'm totally going to Iowa.

Wait.

Weather.

We're back on course!


(yep...that's one of mine...)

So, I plugged the following search into Google:


"New York City weather July 2009"

Fine. Simple enough.

Until I browsed down on the results, and saw...

THIS:

(click to enlarge...that's what the whore travel agent said)


What. The fuck.

Obviously, I have to click on this site.

Here, according to this guy, is the forecast for New York City:

*********************
THREAT LEVEL RED 07/01/09 to 07/11/09

AN EARTH-SHATTERING CALAMITY IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. IT IS GOING TO BE SO FRIGHTENING, WE ARE ALL GOING TO TREMBLE - EVEN THE GODLIEST AMONG US.

For ten years I have been warning about a thousand fires coming to New York City.

It will engulf the whole megaplex, including areas of New Jersey and Connecticut.

Major cities all across America will experience riots and blazing fires—such as we saw in Watts, Los Angeles, years ago.

There will be riots and fires in cities worldwide.

There will be looting— including Times Square, New York City.

What we are experiencing now is not a recession, not even a depression. We are under God’s wrath.

*********************
Jesus H. Christ.

Meteors?! Looting?!

Fuck.

I've already booked the fucking hotels and everything.


So, I turn to my wife:

Me: "Hey, hon...looks like there will be meteor showers and shit the week we're in New York."

Wife: "Awesome."

Me: "Says there will be looting in Times Square."

Wife: "Looting? That's excellent news."

Me: "Yep...looting. But on the bright side...hey...FREE TV!"

She stops a second, then asks:

Wife: "When's this going to happen?"

Luckily for me, this guy has actually put the date down.

Me: "June 1st through the 11th. We get to New York on the 11th. "

* pause


Wife: "What's it going to do on the 12th? If there are no meteors, maybe we should push it off a day."

The woman...is GENIUS.

I just hope there are still some TV's left to loot on the 12th.

I mean, a devastated city will be cool and all...

...but a FREE PLASMA would make the trip so worth it.

25 comments:

Chris Wood said...

Getting your priorities right ... excellent!

Mike said...

That's why I'm glad I live in Canada, the country that god forgot.

Although a free plasma TV would be nice.

Maybe I'll see you in New York. You help me with my plasma and I'll help you with yours.

Maybe between the both of us we can get a couple of surround sound systems too.

Awesome.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

At least you didn't have to bust out the "Oh, I was going to loot you something nice" in order to get her to let you go.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Hahahaha!!! You can not experience New York without experiencing the looting.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I almost forgot...if you can, "pick me up" me a 52 inch flat screen TV will ya? Thanks!

FawkesFire said...

No No No.

what you're supposed to do is wait for the National Guard to get things under control....like by the 16th or so, then go. Hey, can you look up October 11th to the 17th? I might be in New York then, you know, if its not been leveled by meteors and stampeding looters.

Frank Lee MeiDere said...

At least your guy who can see into the future can write comprehensible sentences. My guy ("iknowfuture" on Twitter) writes things like: "Eight salvations bridge the sea, not only play game, but also save the person of die in an accident actually."

So how'd the looting go?

justjp said...

You have a smart woman on your hands my friend. BTW, I so own that contest!

binks said...

That wife of yours: Brilliant!

Becky..AMHW said...

Poop...YOU get to go to NY on your vacation.

I'm going to destitute Denio, NV, where there is miles and miles of completely nothing except rocks and wild burros. Which blabber ALL NIGHT LONG.

(OK, the rocks are perty...we're going opal mining.)

Some charity once contacted me through my blog wanting to know if I'd sponsor NYC kids on vacations out in the country. I could take a kid to Burro Land but really, I think that kid might prefer the looting and meteor showers.

moooooog35 said...

Chris: What?! They're right?!

Something is very wrong with me.

Mike: God didn't forget you. He just can't afford the strippers these days because of the weak dollar.

Mjenks: She's coming with me.

The family that loots together...does something that rhymes with 'loots' together.

Tee: I'll see what I can do for you. You may have to settle for an iPod shuffle.

Fawkes: What am I, your fucking butler? Look that shit up yourself.

Frank: You may want to look at getting a new guy.

justjp: You own that contest like you own a pair of clean underwear.

Please don't be sad.

Binks: She is. She really really is.

She married me. Duh.

Becky: I don't even want to know why you'd want to mine Oprah. Leave that nasty shit to Stedman.

Oh. Opal.

Nevermind.

Christina_the_wench said...

For ten years I have been warning about a thousand fires coming to New York City.

Wow. That's a lot of hotness. I don't do hotness. Did he say what it looks like for Detroit? We can't get any worse.

Actually a thousand fires might help.

BTW, did you notice my absence last week? No? Crap.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Just your luck, man. Be careful. And take an umbrella. A really, really strong meteor proof one.

Or maybe Robert Duvall . . . he was great in that one asteroid flick.

Maxie said...

There are definitely more valuable things you can steal than a plasma tv. REACH FOR THE STARS.

and by stars I mean Tiffanys.

LiLu said...

I could never handle that. It'd be like one huge bargain basement shop. Basically, you're going to a Filene's for your vacation. Enjoy all the naked grammas... ain't no changing rooms there.

kathcom said...

I'm also glad he doesn't dress up his predictions in obscure poetry.

Now I know that July 1 - 11, I need to head to IKEA. I'll hide under all the Ektorps and live on lingonberry sauce until the threat passes.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: If you live in Detroit, you've got more things to worry about than heat.

Chris: I've booked Dennis Quaid. Close enough?

Maxie: Tiffany's? Listen, if I'm reaching for the stars it's gonna be for ME.

Mr. Lewd's Sex Emporium, here I come!

Lilu: you had me at 'naked grammas.'

Kathcom: Ektorps and lingonberry sauce.

When did we end up on fucking Star Trek?

I'm so glad I know what absolutely none of that shit is you're talking about.

Blonde Goddess said...

You're going to have to buy the Mrs. several purses in china town.
I hope it's not destroyed by the fires and looting.

DouglasDyer said...

If meteors are going to wipe out the entire cast and crew of Shrek The Musical, it is pretty hard to argue against it being God's wrath.

Un[Censored] said...

I liked NYC until I had to speak to travel agents from NYC on a daily basis...then I had to speak with people from all over NY...and I hated it more.

The attitude, all together is just ANAL. It's like every family in NY has someone who pisses in their cherrios every morning, just for the sake of keeping the bitchy, aggressive, attitude consistent...and the ones who are actually nice, obviously don't eat breakfast.

Everyone else in the country is nice, everyone else gets rain, NY gets hell fire and brimstone...

Makes sense. Take that, Julia from [censored travel agency], oh, and Sofia, too...you know who you are, bitch.

Moog, you should start a shrink's office...kind of like from the Peanuts. Just throw a jar with a slot and hang a sign: "The Dr is in, $400 for 30 minutes" and watch the money roll in.

Narm said...

I'm so fucking sick of people saying farmers fuck sheep. I fuck pigs and pigs only. Get it right.

Malicious Intent said...

First off it sounds pretty much like typical weather in NYC.

Second, they have a saying in NYC and NY state "Don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes."
So don't worry...nothing written in stone except for the monuments, and they are just all covered in gum and graffiti.

Have fun!

Malach the Merciless said...

Anything is better than the shitty weather we had for the past 2 months

moooooog35 said...

BG: In China Town it's pronounced 'fiwes and rooting.'

Doug: Word.

What?

Un(Censored): Dude...you're talking from someone who comes from the Boston area.

This is how the entire section of this country rolls.

Don't like it, don't drive here. And I'm certainly not letting you cut in front of me, asshole.

Have a nice day!

MI: NY has New England's same weather motto?!

I feel so dirty.

Malach: No shit. I'd take the fucking meteors at this point.

At least it would be warm.

meleah rebeccah said...

Who doesn't love looting and free plasma TV's?

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