The Expensive Weekend Fuckshow | Mental Poo

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Expensive Weekend Fuckshow

Before I start:

Don't forget the BIIIIIIIG contest that I started yesterday.

You can win an authentic "Mental Poo" Mug!

Which, you know...

...you can also buy at my store.

Fine.

Contest ain't that big.

No more entries will be accepted after Monday, June 22nd.

Sorry...I have to do it...remember...I'm a dumbass.

At least that's what Bloo thinks.

Now...ONWARD!!

***********************
Alternate title to this post:

How to be a friggin' moron for three days straight.

How, you ask?

Well, my horde of large nippled brethren...

...let me show you.

By the way:

Put a fucking shirt on, will ya?

That shit's nasty.

Dinner-plate sized nipples only look good on giant female dinner plates.

Great.

Now I want to have sex with King Kong's wedding china.

No different than usual, really.

Here's how my long Memorial Day weekend went and how YOU TOO can reach the precipice of suicide in the short span of a three-day holiday break.

Good times...good times.

Not really.


Step #1: Drop your motorcycle on the ground

Yep.

Just let the thing flop right the Hell over.

Twice.

Oh...look.

A dent.

Oh...look again.

I'm crying hysterically.

Awesome.

Replacement gas tank cost plus labor: $1125.

For comparison sake:

Cost for a hooker the size of a tank with bad gas and dinner-plate size nipples (includes labor):

$50/hour depending on location and how long she's been off the crank.


Just sayin'.


Step #2: Destroy a pair of jeans

You must destroy said pair of jeans while TWICE trying to upright your now dented fucking motorcycle.

Hold on...hold on...

Yep.

Still crying.

Replacement cost of jeans (501 Button Fly, only): $40


Step #3: Destroy another pair of jeans. Really? ANOTHER fucking pair?!

Yep...one weekend, two goddamn pair of jeans down the great brown shithole.

I managed this by staining my deck on the very same weekend.

At one point, my wife popped her head out of the door as I was pouring a gallon of stain into a paint tray.

Wife: "I'm going for a walk with Sarah.."

Me: "Oka...OH NO!!"

Because God apparently hates my cute little guts, he decided to let the paint NOT go into the paint tray...

...and instead go all over the right leg of my jeans.

Hooray for me.

Shit like this is why I pay people to come to my house and do handywork shit like hang pictures and put thumbtacks in the bulletin board in my kitchen.

Replacement cost of A SECOND goddamn pair of jeans: $40


Oh...

....did I mention I was wearing my good Columbia sandals at the time?

Step #4: Ruin a pair of good Columbia sandals

Me (upon pouring a half-gallon of stain on my leg and foot): "AW SHIT! SHIT!"

Wife: "What's the matter?"

I raise my foot up so she can see that my entire right leg and foot is now covered in thick "Cedar Naturaltone" deck stain.

Wife: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

She's awesome to me.

Moooooog35: Accidental fodder for hilarity since what seems like fucking eternity.

Ugh.


Replacement cost of my Columbia sandals: $70

Yes...$70 to replace footwear that has less material in it than a Carrot Top performance.


Step #5: Can you hear me now? Blurgle blurgle blurgle.

After I finished staining the deck...

(read: got tired of staining it 1/10th of the way through because my XBox isn't just going to play itself)

...I threw my jeans in the wash to see if I could get the stain out.

About 20 minutes later, I realized my hand was killing me.

I needed Bob.

I searched everywhere for Bob...

...but he was nowhere to be found.


Then..it hit me:

BOB WAS BEING WASHED!!

I sped down the stairs to the laundry room...

...with the image of Bob...silently drowning in my pants pocket...quickening my every step.

Sure..he's a sponge.

But he's family now.

Don't judge.

I opened the top of the washer, which came to an ubrupt stop.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Um...???

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Something in the washing machine was...

...was...

...buzzing.

I reached into my pants pocket...

BUZZZZZZZ

Oh. Of course.

My cell phone.

Yep.

I washed my fucking cell phone.

Brilliant.


On the bright side...

Bob was fine.

Wife: "How much money do you actually plan on wasting this weekend?"

Me: "Not sure...it's only Saturday. Got two more days to go."

* blink

Me: "But, hey...look. Bob's okay!!"

My wife took no solace in that.

Jealousy is not pretty.

So, how much money did I blow that weekend?

Well...if you add in the $50 replacement fee for my phone...

...the tally that Memorial Day weekend was about $1300.

$1300.

You know how many tank-sized hookers with bad gas and dinner sized nipples that would get ya?

25 comments:

Blonde Goddess said...

I told you NOT to mention the size of my nipples.
How is it going to be a surprise for the others when you go an blab about it like that?

I'm betting a free mug would earn you my forgiveness...

Stacie's Madness said...

ya could have had a couple hookers for that amount.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Well, that ought to teach you not to go wearing those fancy lad sandals.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Nobody said stupidity was cheap. Take it from one who knows...

Mike said...

You can't do anything man like around the house, can you.

Maybe it's the tiny wiggly?

LiLu said...

Didn't I just warn you that I still get like a dozen hits a day, just from writing "dinner plate nipples" in a post a year ago?

Oh. Right.

Well played.

moooooog35 said...

BG: A free mug WOULD earn your forgiveness.

But I can live with that.

Stacie: Thanks for rubbing that in.

Mjenks: Those aren't my fancy ones.

My fancy ones have bells on them.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Chris: Good point. I should look at getting smarter.

Off for some book learnin'!

Mike: Tiny wiggly?

Did I leave my webcam on again?

Lily said...

If it makes you feel any better, that's how much I charge per hour (I'm that good)

binks said...

I would be seriously depressed if I washed Bob. My Bob would've made you feel MUCH better (or at least not give a shit for a while).
Bob is my code word for Mary Jane, which is a code word for .......
You'll figure it out.

Nathan said...

you do know that there is absolutely nothing to changing out the gas tank right? I am positive even you could do it without getting hurt or damaging your clothing/bike further. That might save a little $.

DouglasDyer said...

So are you trying to get rid of your mug or did your mug beg you to send it away before you shattered it in the washing machine? Hmmmmm?

AD said...

Ahahahahhaha.

Oh, and I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. . . .unless you were laughing to begin with.

Never mind.

Lol.

Carrot Top looks like shit now. Holy hell.

Narm said...

13. But those are Cleveland prices.

FawkesFire said...

Wow. Just...Wow.

I mean this sincerely and without any form of sarcasm whatsoever....

man, that sucks.

Seriously. I'm sorry you're having such a bad weekend. Would it make you feel any better at all if I told you that my friends, coworkers and my boss have spent the last two days doing very little else at work other then raiding Bloo's Truth Box? I have no idea how many insults we have deposited into it but it has to be reaching the 300 mark soon.

Hope your week goes better. take care.

Anonymous said...

LOL
-Dave

.......................................

moooooog35 said...

Lily: I only go to hookers who accept food stamps.

Which is most of them when you get right down to bargaining.

Binks: I'm so lost that I'm waiting for Kate and Sawyer to show up.

Nathan: You're talking to a man who once almost set his house on fire while mopping.

I'd rather be safe and spend the money.

FYI - gas tank alone is over $900.

Fucking Harleys, man.

Doug: Don't laugh...that's probably going to happen THIS weekend.

AD: It's okay to laugh at me.

I'm used to it.

Now...where's my straight razor so I can get this over with?

Narm: I had no idea whores came in a baker's dozen.

Good to know. Good to know.

Fawkes: I have to go visit my Bloo friend...should be interesting. You guys all rock.

Anonymous: ..and a hearty ROFLMAOWTFILUVUBRB to you, too.

Malach the Merciless said...

I washed are dried my phone one time, sucker still works

Organic Meatbag said...

Jeans, phones, pfffft... what matters is that you have your health...you do have your health don't you? If not, fuck what I just said...

Kellie said...

You should have gone for the hooker over the gas tank. Total wrong decision on your part!

FawkesFire said...

hey Moog,

look, I know you've been having a bad weekend, and you need a laugh. So...I found something that might make you laugh....or cry. I have no idea. either way, you might find this interesting...maybe even rant worthy.

enjoy

www.comfortwipe.com/

or just google search "comfort wipes."

Hope your weekend goes better my friend. Take care.

Phillipia said...

Maybe you should have looked fo ra hooker who can fix Harley gas tanks - or have her pimp do it while she works...

Chris Wood said...

Sounds like a great weekend. I just got drunk.

meleah rebeccah said...

Um, Im sorry to hear that basically everything in your world has been ruined and destroyed, but I am LAUGHING SO HARD [my face might fall OFF] at the Carrot Top Progression Photos.

kathcom said...

I'm sorry all that shit happened to you but that does not give you the right to show me Carrot Top. I was barely hanging on by the time I got to the nipple-pinching redneck girl. Now my husband is calling an ambulance....

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

OK, what's worse? Plate-sized nips, or only ONE plate-sized nip? Good question, eh?

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