Catscratch Fever

What.

I hate driving.

In fact, if I didn't hate freaky liberal fucking environmentalists SO much to want to piss them off on purpose, I'd probably leave my 1972 Cadillac at home and ride a bike.

Wait...

I get ass-sweat pretty easily.

Plus I really like pissing off hippies.

Scratch the whole 'bike' thing.

Sometimes I don't think before I type.

Meatballs in gravy are the antichrist!

Case in point.


The other day, I was driving to work...

(yes, male prostitutes sometimes drive to their "Janes")

...and noticed that the car in front of me had a vanity plate.

For the record:

I H8 Vanity Pl8s.

This plate said:

"5CATS"

5 Cats.

You sad, sad piece of shit.

I didn't realize that the freaky old lady in the neighborhood actually owned a car.

I thought she just stayed in, got "Meals on Wheels," watched Judge Judy, and every so often showed us her big dangly boobs out her front picture window.

3 p.m sharp on the second Tuesday of every month.

Don't ask me how I know that.

On a related note, that chair is reserving my spot. Touch it and die!


I began thinking of alternate plates this person could have gotten.

You know, instead of displaying to the world that this person has "5CATS".

Some valid alternatives might be like:

"SINGLE"

"ALONE"

"CREEPY"

"SAD"

"NEEDHLP"

"MENTAL"

"FELINOPHILE"

This means "Aroused by Cats"

I realize that there are too many characters in this one, but this may be applicable if said user has two cars and can break it up (doubtful - see "ALONE" plate above) or lives in Sweden.


"ILKPUSSY"

I believe this is what Lindsay Lohan got as a vanity plate after switching teams.

She originally had:

"MMM-DICK"

Actually, I could probably get that one.

The former one...the 'PSSY' one...not the latter 'MMM-DICK' one.

Why? What have you heard?

IT'S ALL VICIOUS RUMOR! PICTURES CAN BE FAKED!

Ahem.

* whistling


I was thinking, though, that this last one would be for the sad, alone, male felinophile who needs some serious, serious help.

I know you're out there, dude.

Maybe I can hook you up with the freaky lady in my neighborhood.

You can share a Meal on Wheels and watch Judge Judy together.

Let me know if you need me to pick you up.

I'm looking for another excuse to take the Caddy out for a drive.

Fucking hippies.