Catscratch Fever | Mental Poo

Monday, July 20, 2009

Catscratch Fever


What.

I hate driving.

In fact, if I didn't hate freaky liberal fucking environmentalists SO much to want to piss them off on purpose, I'd probably leave my 1972 Cadillac at home and ride a bike.

Wait...

I get ass-sweat pretty easily.

Plus I really like pissing off hippies.

Scratch the whole 'bike' thing.

Sometimes I don't think before I type.

Meatballs in gravy are the antichrist!

Case in point.


The other day, I was driving to work...

(yes, male prostitutes sometimes drive to their "Janes")

...and noticed that the car in front of me had a vanity plate.

For the record:

I H8 Vanity Pl8s.

This plate said:

"5CATS"

5 Cats.

You sad, sad piece of shit.

I didn't realize that the freaky old lady in the neighborhood actually owned a car.

I thought she just stayed in, got "Meals on Wheels," watched Judge Judy, and every so often showed us her big dangly boobs out her front picture window.

3 p.m sharp on the second Tuesday of every month.

Don't ask me how I know that.

On a related note, that chair is reserving my spot. Touch it and die!


I began thinking of alternate plates this person could have gotten.

You know, instead of displaying to the world that this person has "5CATS".

Some valid alternatives might be like:

"SINGLE"

"ALONE"

"CREEPY"

"SAD"

"NEEDHLP"

"MENTAL"

"FELINOPHILE"

This means "Aroused by Cats"

I realize that there are too many characters in this one, but this may be applicable if said user has two cars and can break it up (doubtful - see "ALONE" plate above) or lives in Sweden.


"ILKPUSSY"

I believe this is what Lindsay Lohan got as a vanity plate after switching teams.

She originally had:

"MMM-DICK"

Actually, I could probably get that one.

The former one...the 'PSSY' one...not the latter 'MMM-DICK' one.

Why? What have you heard?

IT'S ALL VICIOUS RUMOR! PICTURES CAN BE FAKED!


Ahem.

* whistling


I was thinking, though, that this last one would be for the sad, alone, male felinophile who needs some serious, serious help.

I know you're out there, dude.

Maybe I can hook you up with the freaky lady in my neighborhood.

You can share a Meal on Wheels and watch Judge Judy together.

Let me know if you need me to pick you up.

I'm looking for another excuse to take the Caddy out for a drive.

Fucking hippies.

21 comments:

Mike said...

I wonder if the hippies would be happy if you could make Cadillacs run on cats?

I mean, it's not like we have a cat shortage.

They're fucking EVERYWHERE.

That's why we have so many Chinese food restaurants.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You sure that 5 wasn't standing in for a capital S?

Then it'd be "SCATS", which I would assume meant that they had a fetish for being shit on.

Wait. Check that. Same works for 5Cats.

LiLu said...

I can't decide if the banana COVERED IN NUTS is ironic, or just freaking redundant.

Welcome home.

Tiggy said...

I recently saw a plate on some 'hot' chick's car in Florida.
It read FUN GAL.

Ew. She's obviously been around.

FawkesFire said...

Welcome Home, Moog. Have a fun trip? and I agree, vanity plates are weird...

FawkesFire said...

oh, and saw this the other day and thought of you...

http://www.xepisodes.com/episodes/1109/More-Crap.html

enjoy.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Welcome back. If I had my way, the government would put out a bounty on cats . . . 20 bucks for every cat carcass turned in to local cat-depositories. Extinction would be a good thing.

Funnyrunner said...

lol. You need a vanity plate yourself, dude. CATH8ER...

Becky..AMHW said...

You are crapping all over my life's dream you know.

Some of us have aspirations. Some of us have goals! Some of us need something to look forward to!

Sniff.

Quit thinking about my dinner plates.

Phillipia said...

Welcome back! And I agree with Chris, cat extinction might be a good thing...:)

Kellie said...

The only thing I could think of throughout this entire post is... "yummmm...meatballs". What? I'm hungry. It's lunchtime.

GingerMandy said...

i read funnyrunners plate idea for you, and read it as "catheter."

i then spent a good 30 seconds wondering why the fuck you'd want catheter as your vanity plate.

"ohhhhhhhh. click. cat hater."

i has a smart.

Suburban Psychosis said...

I hate liberal environmentalists too, but I drive around in my SUV looking for them for different reasons.

I suddenly want a nut covered banana.

rs27 said...

What if Lindsay Lohan had 5 cats?

Mind?

Blown.

Bon Don said...

Wait.. you said something after meatballs?

Blonde Goddess said...

Er....do you have issues with Swedish people Moog?
I am a Swede and I do NOT agree with your take on Swedish meatballs.
Apparently you have never wrapped your lips around meaty balls smothered in gravy!

moooooog35 said...

Yes folks...I'm back.

* clap

Mike: Great. Now I want Chinese food.

Mjenks: Nicely played. Elderly woman everywhere are now knitting you an iron maiden.

Lilu: No shit...seriously, we could have also put in your picture there and achieved the same goal.

And, thank you.

Good to be back.

Tiggy: That was my car.

Fawkes: Thank you thank you.

And, stop thinking of me.

It's creepy.

Chris: You sound sweet.

Funny: Catheter? Wtf woman?

It's like you KNOW me.

Becky: Aim high, woman. Aim high.

I say, SIX cats for you.

Never stop dreamin'.

Phillipia: But then what to do with all these hairballs?!?

Perhaps I've said too much.

Kellie: Yeah. Lunchtime. Nice save.

Ginger: I thought the same thing. We may be soulmates.

Or people who just think the same.

I forgot where I was going with this.

Suburban: yes..five..what?

rs27:

* boom

Bon Don: which part of the word meatballs hung you up first?

BG: You are SO correct it's not even funny.

meleah rebeccah said...

Welcome Home!

For the record: Swedish Meatballs are YUMMY!

Malicious Intent said...

That is going to be me one day. The scary lady in the photo with all of the cats. But I will wear really weird hippy clothes and have a grey bun and curse at all who enter my domain. Yup, that is my dream life.

Malach the Merciless said...

You fell in love on that drive to work, I can tell

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