The Conversation Piece | Mental Poo

Thursday, July 09, 2009

The Conversation Piece

Mrs. Moooooog35 has it rough.

Because that's the way she likes it.

I know because the UPS guy told me so.

But, hey...on the bright side:

FREE DELIVERY!

I've digressed.


Today, just three simple little conversation pieces between the wife and I.

Yes...a peek into the Moooooog household.

Don't worry.

We're probably not having sex.

Even if we were, I'm probably done already anyway.

***********************
Snippet #1:

Scene: We're sitting on the couch watching television. I'm in shorts.

Wife (looking over):
"Wow. Your legs are hairy."

Me: "What?"

Wife: "Your legs are hairy. Like, really hairy."

* blink

We met in 1989.

20 years and she finds this out now.

I wonder if she's noticed that I'm short.


***********************
Snippet #2:

Scene: I can't find the milk.

Me (staring into fridge): "Where's the milk?

Wife: "Don't just stare into the fridge! Move things!"

Me: "I did."

Wife: "Did you move the ketchup?"

Because, you know...

Shit's always behind the fucking ketchup.

****** CUT HERE ******

Special Mental Poo Clip 'N' Save Section!!

Looking for your car keys and you're late for work?

Check behind the ketchup.

At the park and your kid has gone missing?

Go home, open the fridge, and check behind the fucking ketchup.

****** CUT HERE ******

You're welcome.


So...

The milk is apparently behind the ketchup.

Me (still staring into fridge): "Where's the ketchup?"

(insert scene of unimaginable violence here)

Jeez.

***********************
Snippet #3:

Scene: Wife gets into her car to leave for work as I'm just getting out of the bathroom from doing poo.

The night before, I had Cap'n Crunch cereal for supper.

(we were out of ketchup)

I'm spoiled.

Me (running into the garage): "Whoa! One more kiss for the road!"

I lean into her window, give her a smooch, then say:

Me: "Hey...useful tidbit for the day..."

Wife: "What?"

Me: "Crunch Berries make your poo dark green."


That was my imparting wisdom to her that fine morning.

Crunch Berries make your poo dark green.

Wife: *blink

Wordless...she starts backing out of the garage, as I stand there yelling after her:

Me: "Be careful what you do with that powerful knowledge!!"

* wife drives away without another word

Sometimes she doesn't take me or my new found hairy legs seriously.

Hm.

"Serious" kinda sounds like "Cereal."

Great...now I want Crunch Berries.

Where the fuck is that milk?!?

28 comments:

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Look behind the juice. It's always there!

Collette said...

Moooooog, thanks for letting us into your household. Especially the bathroom. And thank you for not taking any pics of the other "green stool". Of course, now that I've mentioned it, you will probably eat some cereal & have the camera ready for next time. Damn, I have to learn to be quietly grateful sometimes!

Stacie's Madness said...

ah, she's a lucky LUCKY lady. for a short time anyway.

The Peach Tart said...

Ok...now I've got to go buy some crunch berries as an experiment

Christina_the_wench said...

So there's my answer to what makes your poo turn colors from the other day. I can die happy now. Thank you, 'O knowledgeable one.

Narm said...

Is my dignity back there? No? Oh well, pass the Capt'n Crunch.

justjp said...

I shall test this Cap'n Crunch theory, with gusto!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Whenever I have trouble finding the milk and my wife gives me some smartassed answer, I run into the other room, pull her shirt out and look down into it, then I loudly proclaim "Oh, there's the milk!"

coffeypot said...

Next time you two are watching TV and you have on shorts, reach down and start platting your leg hair. She will be so jealous. And for the real short hairs, ask for some ketchup to make them more pliable and able to stick together.

CatLadyLarew said...

From that intellectually stimulating conversation, it's obvious that you and Mrs. Moooooog35 have been together for 20 years. Congratulations! It's the little things that keep a relationship strong!

Me-Me King said...

Ummmm, moooooog? I hate to break this to ya, but UPS delivers for FREE regardless if Mrs. moooooog is givin' "it" to them or not. Sorry.

Funnyrunner said...

Are you sure your legs haven't gotten even more hairy over the years? something, say, increasing your testosterone level? viagra, maybe? kidding!

Swirl Girl said...

I'm looking for my spleen that I just spit out from laughing so hard. Would you mind checking behind the ketchup??

Mike said...

I'm going to buy crunchberries RIGHT NOW.

Colby said...

Here via JustJP. You have now replaced him as my new harmless internet crush. *Sigh

Malach the Merciless said...

So the divorce is when?

FawkesFire said...

somehow, after reading your blogs, none of this surprises me in the least......

but seriously? you have hairy legs? somehow, that surprises me too.....dunno why, but it does.

Malicious Intent said...

Green? Really? I always got the report of a pinkish color....so your system obviously favors the green berries, my guys system likes the red berries.

There must be a someone wasting tons of money at a university somewhere doing a study on this.

GeologyJoe said...

knowledge is power.

moooooog35 said...

Tee: What is this thing you call, 'juice?'

Collette: * sending you Polaroids now...

Stacie: She is lucky.

And by 'is' I mean 'is not.'

Peach: WHAT?! Women POO?!?!

Christina: Any time, darlin'. Any time.

Narm: I think your dignity is behind the pickles.

You're welcome.

Justjp: I'm not sure what 'shitting with gusto' is...but I'm excited by the prospect.

Mjenks: I do the same thing to her.

I mean...um...

Coffee: What's wrong with you?

CatLady: Yeah..shit like that makes her thankful every day.

Right.

Me-Me: I KNEW IT!!!

What about FedEx? Don't tell me FedEx is free too?!

Funnyrunner: Testosterone does the body good.

I'm going bald, though.

Stupid sexiness.

Swirl: Yep. It's there. And all this time I thought that was a liver.

Mike: RUN LIKE THE WIND!!

Colby: I WIN!! I WIN!!

I think.

You're a girl, right?

Malach: As soon as I get a call from Steve McNair's girlfriend. We've got a thing going.

Fawkes: I'm like a hobbit.

MI: Pinkish poo means you're being poked there way too much.

Might want to tone down the anal a bit.

GeoJoe: And so is electricity!

VE said...

Dude...cow mounted udder...it's so much simpler!

Tiggy said...

I'm currently out of ketchup. Where where do things go then?

ettarose said...

I got an FYI of my own. Fruit Loops and Red Kool Aid turn your poo green also. On a serious not are men scared to actually move things when they look for something?

nipsy said...

It is scary more and more how much you remind me of "the Man". And how much I am going to remember this post years down the road when we have the same kind of conversations..

Lana said...

can you ask ups guy to grab some milk on his way over? he sure looks like an eager-to-please chap.

cocktail dresses said...

what a funny, i hate when things like that happenes, the milk alwais are in front of me and i can{t see.

McSass said...

I just forwarded this entire post to my boyfriend. I'm laughing so hard. Your blog is my new addition in the morning blog reading routine!!
the "*blink" is hilarious!!

Mai Laws said...

I have the same problem with Kaboom cereal as well as Shamrock Shakes...

...they're always behind the ketsup :P

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