..and that's how Chris Hansen came to be in my hotel room.... | Mental Poo

Thursday, August 06, 2009

..and that's how Chris Hansen came to be in my hotel room....

Alternate Title for this post:

How to Freak out a Bellhop

Let me explain.

On my recent family vacation, our last travel spot was the lovely city of Toronto, Canada.

When I say 'lovely' I mean 'shithole.'

When I say 'city' I mean 'fucking dump.'

When I say 'Toronto, Canada' I mean 'accumulation of urine.'


...I haven't seen that many homeless people since I went to Seattle for the distinct purpose of making fun of them.

SO worth the airfare.

(FYI: If you're going to throw rocks at them, it's best to bring your own. They're hard to find on the city streets)

I've digressed.

(yep...one of mine)


When booking the hotel, I discovered that I could get the cheapest rate at the hotel I was looking at if I went with the "Romance Package."


The Romance Package.

Let's see:

Two adults...two children...?


Obviously, I'll take the Romance package, please.

No brainer.

At least, for people from Kentucky.

People from Kentucky bang their own kids.

It's true.

I read it.

I wrote it down and I read it.

I believe everything I read.

(Thanks for the bit, Bob Saget.)

Sorry...where was I?


The Romance Package.

Here's why I took it:

Your Romance Package Includes:

1) Two splits of sparkling wine
2) A sumptuous welcome treat at check-in
3) Valet parking included
4) Massage oil


* blink


Sign me the fuck up!

I mean, the massage oil and wine and sumptuous treat shit is cool...

...but when you're over 40 and you get FREE VALET PARKING?!?!?

Jesus H. Christ...it's like I hit the fucking lottery.

You know.

If the lottery sucked and the grand prize was a Latino guy parking my minivan.

Don't judge.

So, we booked the hotel room with the Romance Package.

We checked in.

We did some shit in Toronto.

(read: kicked hobos)

But on the last day, we realized that:

1) We did not get our fucking 'scrumptious welcome treat at check-in'

2) No massage oil!!

3) We did not get our splits of wine

Side note: what the fuck is a split of wine?

I once got a split of atoms, but it resulted in horrible, horrible devastation and millions died.

Kids...be careful when playing with nuclear fission.

The more you know.

Basically, all I got so far out of this fucking Romance Package was free parking.

Free parking!

Oh. Look at that.

I have a boner.

Free parking does that.

Hey..looks like I've gone off-topic.


So, I went down to the front desk and told the guy that I had not received any of the shit I was supposed to get.

He told me he'd call me in ten minutes...

...so I went back to my room...

...took my shirt off and put on some "XBox Live" silk jammy shorts...


Then...it came:

* Knock Knock Knock


Uh oh.

I open the door.

It's the Bellhop from downstairs.

He's smiling.

He's brought me my Romance Package.

In his hands...he's holding:

1) A small bottle of wine

2) Two cookies

3) A black box.

The cover of the black box is showing a painting to two Japanese people getting freaky with the words:

Your Sensual Kit Contains:

Edible body powder, Scented massage oil, Flavored Shower Gel, Erotic Feather Tickler.


As he's handing this over...I notice the smirk on his face.

The smirk says (say in 5 year old taunting voice for best effect):

"You gonna get some vagina...you gonna get some vagina...you gonna tickle it with a feather...you gonna tickle it with a feather..."

It's at this exact moment, as I reach out my hands to grab the stuff...

...that my daughter yells out:

Daughter: "Who's that, daddy?"

* cricket

I look up at the bellhop...

...my hands now grasping the wine and cookies and 'Gonna Get Laid Freaky Style Kit'...

..and he no longer has the smirk.


Smirk. Gone.


...he has this horrified, wide-eyed look of...


Yeah, dude.

Because now he thinks that I came down and specifically requested my Romance Package of wine and cookies and slippery sexytime tools...

...sharing the same room with my kids.

It's okay, though.

I'm originally from Kentucky.


Mike said...

When I was in school we always partied in downtown toronto. We liked to do a BUM count, or how many bums we could count in a night.

The fact that there are bums in a socialist welfare country means that these people have two things:

1) Pride
2) Fucking laziness

Only in Canada.

Anonymous said...

I live in Canada and have no idea what a 'split' of wine is. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound expensive.

Kristin said...

I think I'd like to mount you. I mean, you mount me. Or...the first option, if you want. Just do me. Or I'll do you. There I go again.

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: Socialist welfare country?

Only in Canada?

Dude..if you haven't noticed, Obama is our President.

Stay tuned!! We'll be joining you shortly.

Tiggy: Yeah...I think the screw-top bottle gives it away.

Kristin: Thanks.

This is exactly the type of comment that makes my marriage oh-so-much stronger when my wife reads it.

(you're killing me here, woman...killing me)

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Romance Package? Romance Package? How come nobody told me about that the last time I booked a room in Toronto. All I got was hard, stale, dry bagels as the "complimentary breakfast".

Maybe it's because I'm not from Kentucky.

Christina_the_wench said...

mrs. moooog, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. We all have our cross to bear. (read: a man who takes up space that could be used for shoes and who wears XBox boxers, silk no less.)

Moooooog35 said...

CatLady: The hard bagels WERE the romance package.

What did you do, EAT them?


Gauche said...

oh. my. God.

HA HA HA HA!!!! Ah, the trama. Well done Moog. Cute XBox boxers. That's hot. Thanks for the giggle. Priceless....

Kristi said...

Well....since you obviously didn't use your 'Sensual Kit'...do you mind?

Buzzardbilly said...

Since they closed the museum of endless tackiness and stuffed freak animals with extra body parts in Ontario, I thought the only reasons people vacationed in Canada now were: a) to smoke pot, b) to film movies (I believe this may be related to Point a), and c) to say they'd been in another country.

Live and learn.

Toe said...

Free stuff is fun stuff. You should have put your finger to your mouth and say shh and give a little wink when you took the stuff, that would have really freaked him out.

Moonrayvenne said...

I'm sure that gave him something to think about. Next thing you know, he'll be buying silk xbox shorts & try to seduce little children.

Colby said...

I imagine that bell hop has some stories to tell. That's probably why he has that job, specifically for the pleasure (or horror) he takes in delivering the romance packages.

Malach the Merciless said...

And I bet it is perfectly legal in Canada too.

dorothy said...

i actually got shat on at work for laughing so hard at your posts...damn you!

Moooooog35 said...

Don: I have no idea what Kristin's number is.

All I know is that it's not the Kristin I work with, in the same cube. Because I've been trying to mount her all day and she keeps pushing me off.

Gauche: You like the boxers?

Well...I guess that's ONE person.

Kristi: Who says I didn't use it?

* holds up palm of hand rubbed raw

Buzzard: We actually came up to see the Red Sox.

Yankees suck!

Had to get that out of the way.

Brazen: * writing down in notepad *


Colby: I imagine the bellhop has that job specifically because no one told him that "Liberal Arts" isn't really a degree.

Malach: EVERYTHING is legal in Canada.

If it wasn't, I wouldn't go.

Dorothy: You realize that 'shat' means 'shit,' right?

Someone shit on you for laughing?

You might want to start sending out resumes. That sounds like a horrible job.

Wait...is this THE Dorothy from 2 girls, 1 cup?

dorothy said...

sadly no...wait...not sadly, she's hot but she does weird things with her anus...


Skippy said...

OMFG. Your story cracked me up. I am actually still laughing. Thanks for the smile that will last me all day...

Buzzardbilly said...

We drove to Detroit from WV once to see the Red Sox. Getting into Fenway's just not an easy thing to do. Curmy goes through Sox and NE Sports Network withdrawals down here.

rachaelgking said...


And not the good kind.

Malicious Intent said...

**blink** **blink**

(Long uncomfortable silence)

fiona said...

Did the room have an Hourly Rate?
You have to watch for that dear! ;0)

Susan said...

Oh my god... free parking and cookies? And then kicking hobos for entertainment around town? That's a trip and a half. Perfect family vacation.

meleah rebeccah said...

I am CRYING laughing. This is hysterical. That poor bellhop had to be horrified!


[Mental note: Stay far away from Kentucky and never associate with anyone from Kentucky.]

PS; my 13 year old son has those same boxers.

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