Alternate Title for this post:
How to Freak out a Bellhop
Let me explain.
On my recent family vacation, our last travel spot was the lovely city of Toronto, Canada.
When I say 'lovely' I mean 'shithole.'
When I say 'city' I mean 'fucking dump.'
When I say 'Toronto, Canada' I mean 'accumulation of urine.'
...I haven't seen that many homeless people since I went to Seattle for the distinct purpose of making fun of them.
SO worth the airfare.
(FYI: If you're going to throw rocks at them, it's best to bring your own. They're hard to find on the city streets)
(yep...one of mine)
When booking the hotel, I discovered that I could get the cheapest rate at the hotel I was looking at if I went with the "Romance Package."
The Romance Package.
Two adults...two children...?
Obviously, I'll take the Romance package, please.
At least, for people from Kentucky.
People from Kentucky bang their own kids.
I read it.
I wrote it down and I read it.
I believe everything I read.
(Thanks for the bit, Bob Saget.)
Sorry...where was I?
The Romance Package.
Here's why I took it:
Your Romance Package Includes:
1) Two splits of sparkling wine
2) A sumptuous welcome treat at check-in
3) Valet parking included
4) Massage oil
VALET PARKING INCLUDED?!?!?!?
Sign me the fuck up!
I mean, the massage oil and wine and sumptuous treat shit is cool...
...but when you're over 40 and you get FREE VALET PARKING?!?!?
Jesus H. Christ...it's like I hit the fucking lottery.
If the lottery sucked and the grand prize was a Latino guy parking my minivan.
So, we booked the hotel room with the Romance Package.
We checked in.
We did some shit in Toronto.
(read: kicked hobos)
But on the last day, we realized that:
1) We did not get our fucking 'scrumptious welcome treat at check-in'
2) No massage oil!!
3) We did not get our splits of wine
Side note: what the fuck is a split of wine?
I once got a split of atoms, but it resulted in horrible, horrible devastation and millions died.
Kids...be careful when playing with nuclear fission.
The more you know.
Basically, all I got so far out of this fucking Romance Package was free parking.
Oh. Look at that.
I have a boner.
Free parking does that.
Hey..looks like I've gone off-topic.
So, I went down to the front desk and told the guy that I had not received any of the shit I was supposed to get.
He told me he'd call me in ten minutes...
...so I went back to my room...
...took my shirt off and put on some "XBox Live" silk jammy shorts...
(LOOK OUT, LADIES!!)
* Knock Knock Knock
I open the door.
It's the Bellhop from downstairs.
He's brought me my Romance Package.
In his hands...he's holding:
1) A small bottle of wine
2) Two cookies
3) A black box.
The cover of the black box is showing a painting to two Japanese people getting freaky with the words:
Your Sensual Kit Contains:
Edible body powder, Scented massage oil, Flavored Shower Gel, Erotic Feather Tickler.
As he's handing this over...I notice the smirk on his face.
The smirk says (say in 5 year old taunting voice for best effect):
"You gonna get some vagina...you gonna get some vagina...you gonna tickle it with a feather...you gonna tickle it with a feather..."
It's at this exact moment, as I reach out my hands to grab the stuff...
...that my daughter yells out:
Daughter: "Who's that, daddy?"
I look up at the bellhop...
...my hands now grasping the wine and cookies and 'Gonna Get Laid Freaky Style Kit'...
..and he no longer has the smirk.
...he has this horrified, wide-eyed look of...
Because now he thinks that I came down and specifically requested my Romance Package of wine and cookies and slippery sexytime tools...
...sharing the same room with my kids.
It's okay, though.
I'm originally from Kentucky.