Burnin' Down the House | Mental Poo

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Burnin' Down the House

Before I start - some shameless pleading (this time it's NOT for sex..but I'm still taking offers).

Head over to Living Wicked and vote for the best story ending for her tale about a guy falling into some other guys' feces.

Been there, done that too many times to count.

But even on purpose it's still a little uncomfortable.

Wait.

Nevermind.

* stupid backspace never works right

My story ending is #12.

I get some weird book or something.

I have no idea if the book has pictures or not...which pretty much sums up my reading ability.

Whatever...I just like winning.

Thanks for the vote.

#12.

#12.

ONWARD!!

*********************


We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it


- some bug-eyed dickfuck who wasn't me who managed to get married to Christie Brinkley and bang the bejeesus out of that chick

I'm not bitter.

************************

Speaking of the Christie Brinkley...

If you'd like to read about our tumultuous relationship...

Click Here.

Go ahead.

I'll wait.

Ah! You're back!!

Let's move on.


While we were vacationing in New York...

(New York City motto: "Yeah...I think we could squeeze another Asian tourist in here somewhere")

..we visited the FDNY Fire Zone.

If you ask my kids what they liked best about New York...

The Statue of Liberty cruise...

Going to the Central Park Zoo...

Visiting the docked aircraft carrier museum...

They would pick the FDNY Fire Zone as their favorite thing we did.

Thanks, kids.

You owe me $1,100 for all the fucking money I wasted going to all the other goddamn shit.

Little bastards.


While at the FDNY Fire Zone, an actual firefighter goes through a pretty cool presentation about fire safety...using actual stories, visuals, special effects, etc.

He then asks the kids questions.

So, after one of these stories, this is what happened:

FireFighter: "So...what knucklehead thing did Jimmy do?"

Son: "He was smoking!"

FireFighter: "Correct. And that's not healthy...and what's worse is that he fell asleep...and that started the fire."

Me: "WE SHOULD KILL ALL SMOKERS!!! Their carelessness will destroy us all!!"

* cricket

Um..

Fine. I didn't say that.

I WOULD have...

...but he wasn't taking answers from the "adults."

Stupid rules.


After the presentation, though...

...THIS happened:

We were getting ready to leave, saying 'thank you' to the firefighters there...when...

Daughter (out of the blue): "I did a knucklehead thing once."

Firefighter: "Oh yeah? What did you do?"

Daughter: "I put my brother's monster truck in the microwave and it started a fire."

Um...

* blink

She did....what?

I look at my wife.

My wife looks at me.

This is the first time either of us are hearing of our daughter torching the house.

Ever.


Wife: "What?! When did this happen?"

Daughter: "When grammy was over. I put Cam's truck in the microwave. It made sparks and then caught on fire and there was lots and lots of smoke and everything."

We look at each other...completely shocked...

...then look at the firefighters...

...who are laughing.

Seriously.

They're fucking laughing.

Daughter: "..and the fire alarms went off and grammy had to throw water on it and..."

Oh. My. God.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Firefighters?

Still laughing.


GRAMMY!!

That night, my wife calls her mother.

Wife: "..oh...and, we learned something interesting today. Payton told us that she almost burned the house down by putting a monster truck in the microwave."

* cricket

MIL: "Oh. Um...she told you that?"

Yeah, ma.

She told us that.

She told EVERYONE that.

BUSTED.

Wife: "At least the firefighters got a good laugh out of it."

I'm glad my wife sees a silver lining out of this.

The silver lining.

I'm waiting for my daughter to find it and put it in the fucking microwave now.

Huh.

And I thought Jimmy was a knucklehead.

40 comments:

Gauche said...

Awww. Poor Moog.

You know, I somehow think your daughter will be the death of you. Good luck with raising her. Between the flaming poo drawings and the burning of the monster trucks, I'd say you have a regular pyro on you. Wanna bet that her favorite prank growing up will be dog poo in a paper bag, lighting it then tossing it at someone's front porch? Just trying to prep you for the future.....

Coffeypot said...

Well, it could have been worse. She could have put the dog in the microwave. It wouldn't burned but it would make a great art project what with all the colors splattered around the walls.

Christina_the_wench said...

Yes, it could have been worse. She could have told them about the time you were making that porn video and the candles and the curtain caught fire and you had to call... well. nevermind. I'm reminiscing again.

Buzzardbilly said...

Again, my sides are hurting from the laughter, I have tears in my eyes, I may have made poopy, and I am in awe of your smooth ways with the wife, the kid, the firemen, and Christie Brinkley.

Mental well pooed, my fried. Well pooed, indeed.

justjp said...

Lol, of course the professionals laughed. What else do you do? (insert Christy here)

Dr Zibbs said...

Christie Brinkley is stupid as cat shit.

moooooog35 said...

Gauche: If only my daughter would be the death of me sooner rather than later, we could put an end to all this suffering.

Coffee: I don't think she can lift the dog.

Now..the hamsters...probably...

Christina: Ixnay on the ornpay.

Jesus. Gonna get me killed.

Buzzard: Seriously. You just shit yourself?

Go clean yourself, woman!

Justjp: I'm inserting Christy no where unless it's here.

* points at ambiguous spot on anatomy

Dr. Zibbs: ..and your point..?

The Peach Tart said...

Your daughter is quite creative and devious. Was she pissed at her brother and just thought - "I'll get that sucker, I'm gonna nuke his monster truck?"

Funnyrunner said...

That is hysterical. holy cow. My kids started a fire when the grandparents were here once - an old organ that MY grandparents had foisted on me - it was so old it spontaneously combusted. My father-in-law had to douse the flames, etc. I can't believe your mother in law never said anything. lol. cracks me up that the NYFD were laughing. I'll bet they were hot! ;)

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I set my kitchen on fire twice before too and my Grandmom covered for me too. That's what Grandmom's are for..... Don't know why they left me alone after the first time.

LiLu said...

Silly Gramma! Lies are for children.

Hope said...

And I thought that my grandparents were bad for giving us donuts when they weren't supposed to... :p

Kellie said...

My dad has a porn stasche. He's going to be a dirty old man.

BrazenBareToe said...

I work with Firefighters, beleive me they'd heard worse. Wait until little Payton figures out the oven, I'm sure that'll be some story.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Hi-larious post! You know, in my vast experience, you're better off giving the kids a large cardboard box to play with in the backyard than you are spending thousands of dollars flying them all over creation trying to keep them entertained. We went to NYC, too. You know what they liked about it? Feeding pigeons and buying roasted nuts in Times Square, that's what. I might as well light my money on fire. In fact, if you'll send me the name of the model with the cigar and the really cool shirt, I'll use some of my burning money to light her smokes for her.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

"I did a knucklehead thing once."

Can I get that on a T-shirt?

Steph said...

Clearly Grammy needs to be punished? A push down some steep stairs perhaps?

Don said...

I've come to two conclusions about Christie Brinkley over the years. One, she must be fucking stupid to marry that roly poly ugly bastard, and two, I'd fuck the shit out of her (oops. Can I say that on national fucking t.v.?) whether she was still married to that roly poly ugly bastard or not...

Jill Pilgrim said...

Your daughter is awesome.

moooooog35 said...

Peach: She's a woman. Someday, she'll find much less physically destructive ways to tear him apart.

It's what you do.

Funnyrunner: Funny about the FDNY thing.

They resembled more Lou from Rescue Me than Franco.

If you don't watch the show, this comment is pretty much useless.

Bird Shit: WTF is it with you chicks starting fucking fires?!?!?

LiLu: Brilliant.

I don't remember the rabbit saying that exactly, though.

Hope: Let me guess...you lit the donuts on fire, right?

Women.

Kellie: GONNA BE? Honey...if you only knew what he did to your mother to make you...

Brazen: Thanks for the tip.

* throwing out stove now

MikeWJ: Dude..if I had the chick's number with the cigarette, you think I'd be writing this fucking comment to you right now?

USE YOUR HEAD, MAN!

Chris: Oh. Dude. Totally.

Steph: You realize this can be used as circumstantial evidence, right?

* email me separately with your ideas. Use a fake name. Thanks in advance.

Don: I would fuck Billy Joel because it would be like banging Christie Brinkley by proxy.

Jill: She's free to a good home.

Actually...doesn't even have to be that good.

CatLadyLarew said...

Honestly, Moog... don't you realize that counts as a science experiment? Give credit where credit is due!

Swirl Girl said...

My mom says the silver lining is she got rid of the 1970's foil wall paper and appliances and walls and linoleum flooring.

She tells everyone that when she retells the story about when my brother and I blew up our kitchen making french fries. I'll never live it down.

Malach the Merciless said...

AWESOME can Grammy Babysit my kiddos?

Buzzardbilly said...

No I did not poo myself. I said I may have. Further inspection proved not even a shart.

Still laughed my ass off either way.

Skippy said...

It is funny how grandparents now do things they would NEVER would have done while we were growing up. I think they get a kick out of this...I can just hear her now..."Don't tell mommy and daddy Moog, it is our little secret."

Buzzardbilly said...

For some reason, I was really drawn to vote for #12. Love that site. Thanks for pointing the way to it!

Jen said...

It could have been so worse. My brother lit everything on fire as a kid, neighbors garage was one of the more successful things he burnt down. He used to wad up aluminum foil and microwave it to see the sparks. He also put a wadded up piece of Wonder Bread in there which caught fire. Your daughter is an amateur, give her some time.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Wahahaha!

If it helps at all, I once lit a candle then leaned over it to pick something up and set my whole sweater on fire.

No, I'm not special needs. Just special.

moooooog35 said...

CatLady: If I wanted science experiments to be done in my house, I would have finished the torture chamber beneath the crawlspace in the...

Nevermind.

SwirlGirl: French Fries: The Devil's Potato.

Malach: Depends..how good is your insurance?

Buzzard: Sharts are acceptable. I have several right now.

Skippy: That's why grandparents LOVE this shit...they get to LEAVE.

Jen: So...how are his meds working?

Vegetable: I did the same thing except it was chest hair.

Chest hair. Sweater.

The only difference, really, is the smell.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Pollyanna (formerly the Laughing Idiot) said...

Ha, ha!

My In-law's motto: You can't get in trouble if it happened with Nana & Popo.

I can only imagine what I haven't heard about.

VE said...

Ever notice that its FDNY for the fire department and NYPD for the police department? Why? Because they don't want the fire department to be NYFD (it sounds like knifed). I notice stupid things so you don't have to...

Oh, and funny stuff again...

moooooog35 said...

Pollyanna: Well..for starters there was that entire 'attacking the dog with mommy's vibrator' thing.

You're the only one who hasn't heard about that yet.

Thought you'd like to know.

VE: I had not noticed. With good reason.

You need a hobby.

Lady Sarcasm said...

LOL That reminds me of how many times I've burned things or stuck it in the microwave just to watch 'er burn. I'm a recovering pyromaniac. ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i had a nice cigar last night. a gherka. i didnt have sex with it like monica lewinsky, but i sure as shit enjoyed it. anyone who says smokers are terrible and should to die in a fire deserve to be burned in the eye by my cigar

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I voted. You were number 7, right? I kid, I kid.

Is the FDNY Fire Zone that thing that Dennis Leary raised funds to build that was to be a training facility or something? Or is that something else?

kathcom said...

First I misread your comment about fitting more Asian tourists in as a caption to the Christie Brinkley shot. I thought, why would moooog make a joke about the size of Ms. Brinkley's vagina?

Then I realized you were crapping on NYC, the town I call home. And you had a pic of Brinkley in a Sox shirt--scandal!

Finally, I realized that your daughter gave such a great laugh to everyone that those firefighters will be telling that story for years. (And your mother-in-law will think long and hard before she covers for her again.)

I'd like to see NYC do an NYPD Zone where officers could show the kids how to billy club a perp while saying, "Sir, stop resisting" and how to put a styrofoam cup over each spent shell casing at a crime scene where they riddled an unarmed suspect with bullets. (Just kidding. I'm a middle aged white woman who doesn't do drugs. I love the cops!)

Maxie said...

One time I tried to defrost beef stock in the microwave. It was in a weird thick paper container, but apparently the lid had some metal on it. It went around and around in the microwave and it created friction or some this (i'm not a scientist shut up) and it EXPLODED and the microwave was on fire. It was really awesome

I made my mommy put it out.

Mega8815 said...

ROFLMAO!!!
If I was grandma I wouldn't have said anything either! Go grandma! HAHA!!

Stacie's Madness said...

seriously this is hysterical...

Wicked Courtni said...

It is not a weird book. Unless of course weird = a big fat boner.

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