Stressing Out | Mental Poo

Monday, August 24, 2009

Stressing Out

Before I start today, just wanted to let you know that I won't be replying to comments per usual...

...as I'm taking advantage of the last week of summer and bringing my kids to an amusement park today.

By 'Taking Advantage' I mean 'Going fucking crazy.'

Pray for my safe return.

Actually...pray for my kids' safe return.

The get on my fucking nerves like you wouldn't believe.

ONWARD!!

****************

Stupid fucking treadmill.

(Best opening sentence ever? Possibly!)

Let me explain.

My recent physical examination went off without a hitch.

Let's put it in my doctor's own words:

Doctor:
"Rodney..I'm impressed for someone that's over 40. In fact, I would say you have body of a 20 year old."

Shit.

How he knew this, I'm not exactly sure.

I really thought I buried her pretty well.

Great.

There goes my Wednesday afternoon.

Digging...filling in...re-digging...

That shit takes time.

Perhaps I've said too much.


Regardless, although I emerged from the exam with great grades, I still had a concern.

Me: "The one thing I wanted to ask you about was my ability to do cardio."

Doctor: "I wish we were both gay. You're truly magnificent."

(I seriously need to stop watching "Scrubs")


Me: "I can only do, maybe, 15 minutes of cardio before my pulse is up to, like, 182."

Seriously. I get winded.

This is basically because I hate goddamn cardio.

I don't even like walking to my fucking car.

The doctor looked at me and said:

Doctor: "Well..let's schedule you for a stress test, then."

Great.

A stress test.


(yep...one of mine)

So, in a week, I'll be heading for my 'stress test.'

This got me thinking about tests they'd give me that would really stress me out.

Here's what I came up with:

***************************
Stress Test #1:

I'm on death row.

Apparently, my doctor doesn't understand the "No Snitchin'" doctor/patient confidentiality thing.

Fucking narc.

Whatever.

I'm on death row.

However, there is only ONE more execution allowed before the death penalty is abolished...and it's up to the guards to decide who gets killed.

They are deciding who this will be using one of the following methods:

a) the shortest person dies

b) the guy with the smallest penis dies

c) shortest person with the smallest penis dies

It's cold in the cell...

...and I'm wearing flats.

Fuck.


***************************
Stress Test #2:

I'm alone in the house.

My wife is gone with the kids.

I'm sitting on the couch.

I'm naked.

I've got a raging boner and I'm jerking my gherkin furiously to some free Cinemax On-Demand girl-on-girl porn.

* hummina hummina hummina

Kleenex ready?

CHECK!!

Almost...there...

Then...

I hear the garage door open.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

They're home.

It's at this point that I discover that the batteries in the remote control are dead and I can't shut the cable box off and I've got wood and oh look at that there's an ass-sweat stain on the couch and now I can hear them coming up the stairs...

***************************

THAT, my friends...

...is STRESS.

Shit.

This treadmill should be a cakewalk, then.

I'll just pretend I'm running from the cops.

I really have to pick my shallow gravesites better.

20 comments:

Buzzardbilly said...

LOL. Stress Test #2 should be done at the doctor's office with a spy came for easy internet uploading (of course, from an angle that obscures your face and other frontal bits).

Mike said...

Sounds like scenario #2 has actually happened ;)

Gauche said...

You'll be fine, You sound like you lead an "adventurous" life. the stupid treadmill should be really easy. have fun with the kids. Think of it as preping for the stress test.

p.s. take the matches away from your daughter.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

OMG, ass-sweat stains....lol!

Mega8815 said...

LOVE stress test #2!!
Thanx for the laughs!!

Ryhen said...

Who needs cardio when you got Cinemax On-Demand?

Christina_the_wench said...

What is this cardio you speak of? Is that a new boy band?

Steph said...

Are you actually being agood father and doing something with your children? I'm ashamed

LiLu said...

Well. At least with the second scenario, you're getting that work out in...

justjp said...

If you break a sweat, you are doing something right...

Coffeypot said...

No! Stress is when your wife, two daughters, your girlfirend the dog, the house payment and the three different car payments are all two months late.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Where do you find the outlet for your computer in that padded cell you're living in?

Kellie said...

I wonder if ass sweat stains come out of couches...

Malach the Merciless said...

That is why there is a TV in the upstairs bedroom

Jill Pilgrim said...

I know this lady who went in for a stress test, and in the middle of it she went into labor, and ended up having a baby. And she didn't even know she was pregnant! Just wanted to warn you about this possible outcome.

Maxie said...

Jill is so right. You're about to pop one out. I heard "women" in labor have higher pulses too.

Wicked Courtni said...

pretty sure i am an asshole for never reading your blogs before today.

moooooog35 said...

Hi all...I'm back.

Because I don't feel like responding individually, I'm consolidating all of my comments to the following...please choose which one would be an appropriate response to yours.

Good luck:

1) I know you are, but I am phenomenal

2) And that's why I don't eat dog sphincters...usually.

3) Yes...yes you are.

4) Thanks for your concern, but I'm thinking either it won't happen, or it will need help from a trained circus monkey if it does.

5) Shit like this is why I own stock in disinfectants.

Thanks for playing!

brookeamanda said...

Oh lord, ass stains just made me laugh out loud!

One Sassy Girl said...

Is it wrong that I think #2 is far worse than #1? If you're short and have a small wang, you probably want to die, right? I'm just saying...

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