Summer Reruns - My Tattoo | Mental Poo

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Summer Reruns - My Tattoo

My first rerun of the summer.

On a related note:

What's happenin, Rog?

* cricket

People everywhere under 40 right now are going:

Um...What the fuck?

No different than usual, really.


Whatever.

Since traffic seems to be down both here and on the highway...

(This specifically excludes traffic leaving my Hershey Highway. I had a big steak.)

I figured it was time to give some of my readers who arrived after 2007 a taste of some earlier shit.

The following post was written in November of 2007, and titled:

A Bunch of Little Pricks

Which, incidentally, is what my wife calls her kindergarten class.

However, I've remastered it a bit..so if you've read it before...it's a bit different today.

I'll have a new post up tomorrow afternoon.

(that's what Bob Dole said)

In the meantime....enjoy.

********************

A Bunch of Little Pricks (my tattoo adventure)

My wife has a few tattoos.

She never tells me when she’s getting them…or where they are. She usually gets them during “girls weekends”…

...where I can only imagine Enrique Iglesias as the tattoo guy:


I’ll kill that tattooing bastard if I ever see him.

Damn you, Spanish language!! Why must you be so haunting?!?!?

I'm bitter.

Back to her tattoos:

They’re all small...

(hey crack whore...there's nothing like a giant dragon down your arm to get me going)

...and fairly innocuous (a rose, a ladybug, "USC was here").

Her second tattoo (the ladybug) was done just above her bum.

I first saw this tattoo about two months after she got it.

Two. Months.

I cry sometimes.

Anyway, I decided in a fit of whimsy...

(oh, look...I'm gay!)

...that I’d get a tattoo as well.

I couldn’t be the only one in the relationship without one.


I decided to forego the matching ladybug tattoo and instead went with "Insert Apple Here" with an arrow pointing to my sphincter...

Woops.

I mean I went with a Boston Bruins logo.

Phew. Dodged a bullet there.


Regardless, my tattoo was supposed to be about the size of a shot glass on the back of my left shoulder.

This idea of getting the tattoo probably wasn’t a good one for a number of reasons:

1) I hate needles

2)
I hate pain

3)
I hate needles that cause pain

4)
I hate the pain caused by needles

I'm manly.

So, being the brilliant little man that I am, I scheduled my tattoo.

As is my luck, my tattoo was scheduled for the hottest fucking day in August in ten years.

It was also done on the top level (third floor) of my heroin deal..um...the tattoo parlor.

Said tattoo parlor had no fucking air conditioning.

Awesome.

You know...sometimes I don't know why I even bother to wake up.


So there I was, bent over like Paris Hilton on a first date in a 120-degree oven when the pain comes like a billion mosquitos diving in for the kill.

*buzzzzzzzzz*

Ow.

*buuzzzzzz..buzzzzzzz*

I started sweating…

..great...now I'm hyperventilating…

I’m starting to think that maybe…maybe I’ll tell him to stop now.

I'll just have a tattoo of a few black dots.

That should be good enough...

Me to my friends: "Hey, I got a tattoo."

Friends: "NICE. Of what?"

Me: "A few little dots. It looks like freckles."

(scene of unimaginable violence as my friends beat me to death)

Now I’m getting woozy…

You know...the friend beatdown might be worth it.

I ask him, “How far are you?”

The buzzing stops for a second.

He says, “I’ve got the outline almost done.”

*blink*

The OUTLINE?!?

You’ve only done THE FUCKING OUTLINE?!?

I feel like I’ve been in here for 17 hours being interrogated by Jack Bauer and he’s only on the OUTLINE?!


(by the way, I only found out what a Prince Albert was the other day...if you don't know...you don't WANT to know...)

Based on what I felt like...

I was positive that I’d be stepping out of that chair and seeing an entire replica of The Last Supper scrawled out on my back.


..ugh…

I look at my wife…

Honey…can you get me a soda?”

She shakes her head, looks at me and says:

You’re such a fucking pussy.”

Gee.

Thanks, hon.

Such compassion.

GO GET MY SODA!

This went on for what seemed like infinity.

The tattoo guy had to stop three times because I almost passed out.

When it was over, I had this fancy new sporty Bruins logo sitting on my shoulder.

It looked cool.

It looked hip.

It hurt like Hell.

It won’t happen again.

..unless I get a cortisone shot first.

29 comments:

Mike said...

Wow.

You're an even bigger pansie than I thought.

Midget man of steel? HA!

Winter said...

See this is why I don't get one.

Gauche said...

see, that right there is why I don't get tattoos. but hey, at least you now have a spiffy new tattoo so when you look back on that moment years from now you'll have the fond memories of you and your wife bonding.......oh wait......sorry.

NICE TATTOO!!! *thumbs up to you, good sir*

Jill Pilgrim said...

I worked in a tattoo shop in college. I have no tattoos though. That is my contribution to this discussion.

Jen said...

We need to see the actual tat, moooog. Photos please!!

moooooog35 said...

Mike: I'm a bigger pansie than you thought?

And to think there was no way to turn you on even more.

Winter: Why..? The pain, or the berating by my wife?

Gauche: Actually...the tattoo is pretty old and now resembles an old newspaper comic left out in the rain.

But fucked if I'm getting that thing recolored.

Jill: They have tattoo shops in college?!?!

Jen: I would, but the sheer musculature of my back makes all photos seem ripply, yet somehow spectacularly stunning.

LiLu said...

Tattoos fascinate me. The cheesier, the better. How do people think of the shiz they get?? this just makes me so damn happy.

Gauche said...

can we see the tattoo? please? I'm honestly a bit curious.

I've been told that the re-coloring process doesn't hurt nearly as much as the first time you get a tattoo put on. however, if you take a low dose of a pain killer beforehand it should work to numb down the pain considerably.

or a good healthy shot of whiskey. either way.

Steph said...

Poon...that's all I can really say

Just A Girl said...

I'm taking percoset before my next tattoo. I hear the ribcage hurts pretty f-in bad. I've almost passed out both times I've gotten tattoos, but I hadn't eaten for oh, a week prior. I'm pretending it's not because I'm scared of needles.

Malicious Intent said...

What fucking pussy you are. Honestly.
I love getting inked. Feels good. Nice and quiet. I get to meditate, or talk like a sailor and have a good time. Your shoulder is also one of the LEAST painful places to get one. I spend an average of 4 to 5 hours in a chair a spell. No problems, no crying like a pansy. And I at least bring my own drink. We even stop to have lunch with the artist and stretch. Nothing i have is less than 6 inches across...most bigger.

Grow up little man, grow up. Take it like a man. Gawd, what a whimp!

Kristin said...

I'm 21 and I got your What's Happening reference. Do I win something?

moooooog35 said...

Lilu: The cheesier the better?

Does that mean a tattoo of a slice of Swiss send you over the edge?

Gauche: I shall continue the tried and true practice of not posting pictures of myself here because, honestly, my yard isn't big enough for the groupies.

Steph: Wow..you say what I think every 5 minutes.

Amazing!

Just a Girl: I hear the ribcage hurts, too. That's why I'm putting off my tattoo of a third nipple for a while.

MI: You sound hot.

Those tats are going to look fantastic in 3 years when you're 85.

Kristin: Yes, you DO win something.

* hands you Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

Christina_the_wench said...

Am I allowed to comment today?

At least it was a hockey tat which is a plus.

See? I said something positive.

Buzzardbilly said...

Dude, I so feel you needle-pain-hating! When I got my ears pierce, I puked on the jeweler. Yes, you had to go to a real jewelers to get your ears pierced in ye olden days. She got one ear done and I said, "I'm going to be sick." She said, "No you're not." I said nothing because words couldn't fit in the Exorcist-styled solid jet of projectile vomit that was hurtling from my mouth.

Hell, I've been known to pass out getting finger-stick blood tests. I passed out getting a TB test (the four prongs that barely prick your skin). Tats: Out of the question. No one wants random spewage in their tattoo parlor. Vomit = Never Hip.

Curmy has a Bruins NHL World Championship mug that I must treat as if it were cobbled from a solid diamond. Good choice if you're going to endure the whole tatting thing.

justjp said...

Lol, your wife is right... Poon! I have 50+ hours and kind of running out of real estate. At least you did it.

Hopers said...

Try lower back tats for pain. Yes, I have a tramp stamp. No, that doesn't mean that I will sleep with you. Hurt like hell the whole time and hurt like hell for the next two weeks. Damn nerve endings.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: Of COURSE you can comment.

I wouldn't want to keep my favorite stalke..um...reader away now, would I?

Buzzard: Maybe I'll rerun my ear-piercing post next week.

Yes. I had my ear pierced.

Back when it was cool.

Which was never.

Justjp: Dude..I have 50+ hours in the chair, too...most of it because I passed out and they couldn't revive me, but whatever.

Hopers: The fact that your tramp stamps says, 'I'll sleep with you' means that you'll sleep with me though, right?

Valid question.

Kellie said...

Moog. You disappoint me. They don't hurt that bad. I do feel kind of bad for you since it was so hot in there but really? I'd have said the exact same thing to you that your wife did. So yeah, re-think about what she said to you and insert that here.

Funnyrunner said...

You had me at "I cry sometimes." You really have friends, huh?

just kidding! This was pretty funny, as I've come to expect by now.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

I think you meant to say, "The first place by seven games Yankees Suck".

Dick.

And speaking of that, one of my tats is the interlocking NY on my right arm.

Touche, Midgetman. Touche.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Boy, that comment came out TOTALLY weird, but what the hell. I'll let it stand.

Coffeypot said...

I spent many a night in a tattoo parlor with my Navy buddies getting one, but I never did. If pain is going to be dealt out, I am going to be the one doling it out.

moooooog35 said...

Kellie: You women are so compassionate.

WHERE'S MY SODA?!?!?!?

Funnyrunner: Yes, I have friends.

No, I have no idea who they are.

Chris: Give it time, Chris. Give it time.

Soon, Derek Jeter's love for a threesome with A-Rod and Joba the Hutt will overwhelm his desire to look at pictures of Johnny Damon banging his cross-eyed wife while getting a reacharound from Posada (who has the uncanny ability to reach around using only his giant neck).

And the mighty shall fall.

They always do.

Give them time.

Coffee: So..what...did you punch the tattoo guy, then?

That one girl said...

THAT WAS FUNNY!

So not a tattoo person, wouldn't do it.

It took you TWO months to see your wife's tattoo?! Umm, do you not have sex?!

moooooog35 said...

That one Girl: Two things here about 'not having sex':

1) You're obviously single.

Otherwise, you'd know that married people don't have sex after the first year.

It's law. I know this because my wife outlined the entire document in her vows. *

2) You're apparently new here.

That said, if anyone would like to fill That One Girl in on the life of me, feel free. **

* just kidding, honey

** I'm so screwed when I get home

Pollyanna (formerly the Laughing Idiot) said...

Very funny!

I remember getting my tatoo (rose on my ankle) and it hurting like a son-of-a-bitch. Seems there is this little thing called an ankle bone. No matter how gentle they are with the needle, they're going to right into that bone a MILLION times.

I also remember the feeling of heat. I swear the needle was infected with yellow fever - I was burning up. What ever salve they put on it in the end had an antibiotic in it and the yellow fever went away instantly so it was all good.

Maxie said...

I won't even go to a bank without air conditioning. You're a trooper.

Mega8815 said...

Pansie!! It's not that sore!
It's true what they say about women being able so handle pain more than men can... HA!

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