D Harmony | Mental Poo

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

D Harmony


And they say these matchmaking services don't work.

Well, folks...

I beg to differ.

On a related note...

Usually when I'm begging it's in regards to sex.

But this time, it's just to differ.

Thank you, Obama!

Change IS happening!!

Whatever...I didn't vote for him, don't feel bad about it, and I still think Sarah Palin is hot.

Perhaps I'm just acting stupidly.

I've digressed.


Here's my story.

You see...

I met her this past weekend.


After browsing the Internet, searching through hundreds of potential girls...

...I found myself a match made in Heaven.

In standard 'E Harmony' fashion...let's go over her questionnaire to see how and why I made my choice:

*******************

1) Sex:
Female

*******************

Hooray for me!

Off to a good start!


Plus, if I'm going to be sharing my bed with anyone, I have to be honest here and say that I'm going to go with the one that has a vagina.

Just sayin'.

*******************

2) Describe your hair and hair color: shorter hair, dark brown with white highlights

3) Describe your height/weight: Below average height, slender build

*******************

So far, this is adding up to a decent fit.

She's short and slender.

Like me, except..you know...

Slender.

Hey...

...these massive biceps wouldn't look good on the frame of Stephen Hawking.



*******************

4) Describe yourself: I'm fun, playful and energetic. I love the outdoors. I am sometimes submissive, but can also play the dominant role in the relationship.

*******************

Holy fuck.

Almost had a deal breaker there with the 'energetic' and 'outdoors' shit.

The most energy I spend is when I have to walk over to the TV to get my XBox controller.


Then she pulled it out of the fucking hat with the submissive/dominating shit.

NICE.

I suppose I could buy a Nintendo DS...you know...go outside with it.

Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship.

*******************

5) Describe your perfect man: I enjoy someone who's playful and fun, but also someone who I can curl up on the couch with.

*******************

Baby...you had me at 'on the couch.'

*******************

6) Describe the perfect night with your man: After a tough day at work, I'd like to greet my man at the door and cover him with kisses and affection. Depending on how tired he is, this scene would end up with me and him roughhousing on the floor, with balls in my mouth.

*******************

* blink

*******************

7) Describe your inadequacies: I like to shit outside.

*******************

Inadequacy?

Baby, getting my girl to shit outside is a PREREQUISITE.

And now...

...she's MINE.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the latest member of the Moooooog35 household...

Sophie.


15 pounds of energetic, fun loving...

...submissive yet dominating mutt.

Just like I like 'em.


With Lexi very sadly gone, but not forgotten, the kids were itching for something to fill the void.

And now we have it.

She is just a puppy at 5 months old, and was rescued from a kill shelter in Ohio. We picked her up from her foster home on Saturday.

Alas, though...

...this is our THIRD try at adopting a dog since Lexi.

The last one was Emmy.

Emmy lasted a WHOPPING 12 hours before we gave her the fuck back because:

a) she wouldn't stop growling at my kids, and

b) she wouldn't leave my wife alone and was driving her fucking batshit

Wow.

That sounds like me.

No wonder my wife has been calling them asking if they take middle-aged men.

Good to know.

The first one, was Lucy:

(photo of Lucy on our couch prior to mauling a visitor)

Lucy lasted a full 6 days with us.

She came with the name, "Lucy" and we decided to keep it.

If only for the chance to say "Luuuuucy...Joo Got Sum 'Splainin' to Do..." when she pissed in the house.

The wife and I even got the kids to practice saying it.

We're a comedic family.

It's how we roll.

BUT...although Lucy was awesome with us and the kids...

...she COULD NOT STAND ANYONE ELSE without barking and jumping and attacking them and shit.

Plus, she would get us up at FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING...so...

...you know...

Fuck that shit.

So, we sent her to Michael Vick's house where she'd be better suited.

Just kidding.

He's only accepting Pit Bulls at this time.


So, after a few tries, we finally exchanged her with the same adoption company for Sophie.

So...

In true Ty Pennington fashion, I guess there's only one thing left to say:

Welcome home, Sophie.

Welcome home.


But shit inside the fucking house, and you're done. DONE.


There.

I'm taking the dominating role first.

My maid's outfit is at the dry cleaners.

**********************

By the way...go make yourself useful and rescue a dog.

You really can't argue with the 'balls in the mouth' thing.

46 comments:

Jacob said...

I seriously can't stop laughing at the picture of Stephen Hawking ....pure comedic genius right there :)

Skippy said...

I think you should start "D Harmony" and write all of the ads.

p.s..Sophie is absolutley adorable. Does she know what she got herself into?

LiLu said...

I can't believe you use a segway to get your mail. That's so lazy. At least I've got my Scooter Store scooter so it LOOKS like I'm handicapped.

Mike said...

Congrats on the pup - life isn't the same without a dog.

Because who else are you going to blame the farts on?

justjp said...

A fine addition to the home, sir!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

There seems to be something wrong with your dog. God mounted her head on her body at a funny angle.

Maxie said...

Please tell me the only reason you didn't vote for obama is because you thought Sarah Palin might sleep with you.

That will make me feel slightly better.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Cute dog!

Taylor said...

Awwww! Adorable puppy :)

moooooog35 said...

Jacob: Pure comedic genius is how I roll. You should know that shit by now.

Skippy: I TOTALLY want to start D Harmony. If you know anyone that wants to do all the work while I take all the credit, hook me up.

Lilu: My scooter is reserved for shit like going to the fridge.

Mike: This is the first dog I've ever had that you can HEAR fart.

Remember what that was like?

You know, before your a-hole was 3 inches in diameter?

Had to do it.

Sorry.

Justjp: For now...we still have the receipt.

Mjenks: I know..I've been trying to wrench it back forcefully for days...now she just lays there.

Maxie: There's still a chance she will. I mean, she has all this free time now.

Bird Shit: So far...but she may not be so cute after all the kicking.

Taylor: I know. Just wait til we breed her to attack. People won't even suspect it!

Genius.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

awww . . . i love sophie. hopefully she works out for you. and i really LOVE that you took a rescue dog. it's the ONLY way to go!

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Give her access to your blog, and I WILL call the ASPCA.

Ya did it again, got me chuckling then LOLd at Hawking. (I agree, may be your best work, did you hire somebody?) and then SOPHIE!

Congratulations to Sophie for helping rescue you.

LBluca77 said...

All you had to do was ask and I would have given you my cat. UPS ships cats right?

Gauche said...

aww. congrats on the new puppy!! I read about Lexi and cried, but its nice to know you have a new dog. Ummm....does this little puppy know what she's gotten herself into? I'm just saying....cause....well...red poop is gonna be scary for her and all.....

FawkesFire said...

YAY! you have a new puppy! that's great Moog! Sorry the first two didn't work out. She is a very adorable dog. congratulations!

Stacie's Madness said...

You are hilarious...I hope Sophie works out for your family, she is adorable.

Becky..AMHW said...

This post has me a little bit sad.


See...I don't have any balls!


Sigh.

BabyPrecious said...

you know Moog, I almost got jealous. But she is very cute. You're still sexy.

moooooog35 said...

Claire: I hope Sophie works out, too. I'm tired of bringing dogs back at this point.

Going60: *note to self: Stephen Hawkings pics kill

Lbluca: Cat?! Do I look gay?

Gauche: She has no idea. Keep it on the downlow.

Fawkes: YOU'RE sorry the first two didn't work out? Try telling that to my checkbook after paying for their first vet visits and pills and shit and THEN returning them.

I should sue.

Stacie: I hope it works out, too. But if it does, I'll just work it back in.

Thank you! I'm here all week!

Becky: Sure you don't.

BabyPrecious: it's at this point, where you're starting to freak me the fuck out, kid.

Jill Pilgrim said...

I am going to kidnap that dog. Watch out. I want her cuteness all to myself.

inkpuddle said...

Aw, she's precious! Hopefully this one "sticks"---sucks about the other two, but seriously? What the fuck kind of foster home doesn't know the personalities of their dogs any better than that? That's ridiculous.

Sophie IS really stinkin' cute, though.

ettarose said...

Awwww, you really love them kids don't you? (that is an out for you in case you need one, all them dogs and all) Seriously, too bad Caesar Milan is not your next door neighbor. It sounds like you are going to need him. Darling puppy, too bad it's going to grow up. Like kids, ya know.

canadiandoubles said...

You sir are hilarious. I'm picking up what you putting down.

Mike said...

Mooooog: Apparently your shit doesn't stink.

I KNEW it!

meleah rebeccah said...

AWWWWW. SOPHIE IS ADORABLE!

moooooog35 said...

Jill: You'll have to get through me first!

* waving plastic light saber

Inkpuddle: I KNOW. But, on the other hand, these people actually take these dogs when no one else will...so you can only fault them so much.

Wow. Almost felt like I had a heart there for a second.

Etta: I know...we can already see her jowls.

Sexytime.

Canadian: You're picking up what I'm putting down?

* puts down turd

Mike: My wife would beg to differ with you.

A LOT.

Meleah: $600 bucks and she's yours.

Just A Girl said...

Holy crap she's cuuuute. In other words GIMME!

Malicious Intent said...

OMG, she is fucking adorable. And I mean that is the most sincerest heart felt way! What a great catch, and from a shelter where she needed saving. So proud of you. And glad you were able to get over that painful hump quickly and save a puppy.

Really, she is beautiful and I am sure she is going to bring many smiles to your family for years to come. Congratulations.

We didn't even get to have a baby shower for you!

Kristin said...

Just so you know, BabyPrecious is NOT me. I was just messing around. She might really be nuts.

Gauche said...

I felt the need to add this to my comment as well, I'm so very proud of you for rescuing a puppy in need. That was a very stand up, gentlemanly thing to do. Well done for you, Moog. So many people forget how many animals are out there in shelters and need a good home.

oh, and thanks for being my first commenter to my blogs. LOL. its a honor to have you as my first ever comment. Dunno, maybe I'll make you an award or something. nobody else has even stopped by. I cry sometimes at night.

good luck with the new puppy.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Congrats on your new lover.

Kellie said...

Paris Hilton fell off a Segway on that stupid reality show of hers and I laughed at it for days. I've got to find that on youtube someday. Hilarious.

And welcome home, Sophie. She's adorable.

Colby said...

I just adopted in February, and honestly ... you're making me want to laugh. Ok I am laughing. And you're making me want to adopt again. Well done.

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh, Sarah Palin, dumb skank, and that is why I stick with Cat, at least I know they are insane.

VE said...

God...I'd hate to see what is on "F" Harmony...

Mega8815 said...

Welcome Sophie!! She's so cute!
And yeah... I can't fight the 'balls in the mouth'. That would get any guy... =)

Christina_the_wench said...

I LOVE Petfinder.com. It's how I met preacher man.

What? Don't judge.

The Peach Tart said...

Sophie is cute and I'm sure will be a great source of blogging material.

moooooog35 said...

JustAGirl: Fine. You can have her.

Make the check payable to...

MI: Who said I'm not accepting gifts anyway?

Kristin: You're just messin' with me?

My first real stalker proves to be full of it?!?

Figures.

Gauche: You're welcome. In lieu of an award, please send money.

This dog cost a goddamn fortune when all was said and done.

Chris: You know..now that you mention it, she DOES look a bit like you.

numnumnumnum

Kellie: Paris Hilton can stand on her own?!?!

Colby: Laughter and adoption. Yeah. That was my end goal for this blog.

I guess I'll close up shop now.

Malach: I didn't say she wasn't dumb. Just..you know..hot.

VE:..I'd tell you but it's blocked here at work.

Mega: See? MY FACTS CANNOT BE DISPUTED!!

Not sure why I yelled that.

Christina: Hey..I'm with you. If it wasn't for Petfinder I wouldn't get laid nearly as much.

Um.

I'll be quiet now.

moooooog35 said...

Peach: Yes..she's been with us a week and so far I can go with:

"The Wormy Turd"

"Is that EEE, or are you just happy to see me?"

"How big is dis bitch gonna git?!"

Stay tuned!

The Demigoddess said...

I was expecting a nice erotic story..was about to get the lube and all but no...Moooooog has disappointed me this time.

Shocked and awed at Lucy's fangs! They're scary.

Kristin said...

Hey, I would really have The Sex with you. I just felt the need to clarify that BabyPrecious and I are not the same person.

moooooog35 said...

Demigoddess: Nice, erotic story?

Wow. It's like you don't even know me.

Minus the lube part.

Kristin: Thanks for clarifying.

In order to have 'the sex' with me you will need to fill out the attached permission slip, sign and date it, then turn it into my wife who will, in all likelihood, either divorce me for even acknowledging this or try to kill you.

Good luck and thanks for playing!

Leeuna said...

What a cutie pie. I love the way she is tilting her head like: "where the heck am I???" I have two that I rescued from a kill shelter. I wish more people would adopt.

Phillipia said...

Awww...what a cutie...I hope she's a keeper.

Anonymous said...

Keep on posting such themes. I like to read blogs like this. By the way add more pics :)

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