F.U. Day - Lazy Fuck Edition | Mental Poo

Thursday, August 13, 2009

F.U. Day - Lazy Fuck Edition


Just a goddamn rant today.

To celebrate this rant, I'm beginning a new series called:

"F.U. Day"

Sweet.

Like Martha Stewart always says:

"Burning, relentless, pure unadulterated hatred. It's a good thing."

She has a tattoo of that on the small of her back given to her by a chick named 'Ella' during her prison stint.

I'm in the know.


*************************

Today's episode of FU Day:

FU, You Lazy Fucks

That's right, folks.

Let's all raise a mighty middle finger and give a hearty "F.U." to:

1) People who take the elevator up ONE fucking floor when the stairs are clearly visible


Seriously?

You HAVE to take the elevator?

Is all the whipped cream on that cappuccino weighing you down?

It's, like, 20 fucking steps you lazy piece of shit.


Oh..oh...

I see.

You get winded taking the stairs.

You know why?

You know why you get winded?

BECAUSE YOU TAKE THE FUCKING ELEVATOR UP ONE FLOOR.

Cardio: it's not just for sweaty, glistening hot chicks in spandex anymore.

Although, seriously, we DO prefer it that way.


2) These same people taking the fucking elevator DOWN one floor

Really, asshole?

Now you're just being silly.

3) Asshats who leave their weights loaded on bars in the gym or scattered around the fucking place

Thanks, dickfuck.

This is exactly what I wanted to see when I walked in here.


How else would I want to start my workout?

You got it!

I TOTALLY wanted to spend the first fifteen minutes of my lunch hour in the gym unloading all your goddamn fucking weights so I can use the equipment and trying to hunt down the other 25-pound dumbbell.

Me: "Fuck. Me. Well...I've got one dumbbell....let's see if we can find the other one..."

* Fifteen minutes later *

Me: "Olly olly oxen free!"

* cricket

Me: "Come out, come out wherever you are Mr. Dumbbell!"

* silence

Me: "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE OTHER 25 POUND DUMBBELL?!?!?"

* pause

Guy on treadmill: "Maybe you should leave."

Maybe.

Maybe I should leave.

Maybe I should leave and go find the asshole who left all his goddamn shit for me to put away and then apparently hid the other fucking dumbbell in the magical land of Narnia.


Lazy fuck.

I think I know where to find him.

I'm guessing he's taking the elevator to the second floor.

Which is where they'll find the body.

With a 25 pound dumbbell shoved up his lazy ass.

Moog out.

34 comments:

Lily said...

At work, we're forbidden to take the stairs (risk of a lawsuit).

I work in a 2-story building.

That's right - I have to take the elevator each and every time.

And every time, a little part of me dies.

I hate my job.

Blonde Goddess said...

If you don't take the elevator, when will you have time to have sex during work?

Not that I've actually done that...er...anyway, it's a good question.

LiLu said...

"Olly olly oxen free!"

This is going to be my battle cry tomorrow night at the Boston meet up.

YOU SHOULD BE THERE.

Christina_the_wench said...

Welllll someone has their panties in a bunch today. Don't you wish they made a male version of Midol?

Malicious Intent said...

Now I have to say, you dumb fuck...that I use the fucking elevator for one floor...because I walk with a cane and my knees are shot! Asshwipe. I would LOVE to walk up the stairs...I would trade in my cane any day of the week to have more mobility that I should not be losing at age 40. But considering where you work, it prolly is a case of lazy fuckers.

As far as working out goes...you most likely got half of your work out accomplished just looking for the dumbbell. So maybe you should thank the dumbshit who misplaced the other dumbell. And dude...you can only do 25 pounds? Really?

I think somoene slipped some decaf in your coffee cup today. Yup, it shows.

Mango Girl said...

Glad you were able to get that off your chest. Have to say I agree with the post.

Lily: I feel sorry for you. What happened to freedom of choice? What happens if you do take the stairs? Do they write you up?

I would have to tell them I am claustrophobic.

Dr Zibbs said...

Lazy ass bitches.

The Peach Tart said...

Being petite, I agree with the weight thing. I can never get the damn weights they left on off.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I only take the elevator for one floor if I know I can fart in it and trap someone else in my unique brand of ass-musk.

Mike said...

You forgot to mention the people who have electric scooters because they are simply too fat to walk.

How awesome is that?

moooooog35 said...

Lily: Risk of a lawsuit from taking the stairs?

Where do you work? On one of those bridges in the middle of the jungle?

BG: Elevator time is not sex time.

Poop time is sex time.

Sure I'm by myself, but whatever.

Lilu: I know I should be there but I have an obligation to my middle age.

Christina: Panties!! Thank you!! I was wondering why I've had a wedgy all day.

MI: Obviously, the cane has not stopped you from writing so eloquently.

Mango: They say bitching is cathartic.

That's why women live longer than men.

Dr. Zibbs: MY POINT EXACTLY.

Peach: Can't get the weights off? Jesus, woman. You need to eat more protein...you sound weak and pathetic.

Or..you know...just not as strong as..

I'll shut up now.

Mjenks: Ass Musk, by Mennen.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Why do you think they have the scooters in the first place?

Elevators.

See? All comes full circle.

justjp said...

Preach it brother man! Church!!!

Gauche said...

wow. that is some seriously pent up anger.

I LOVE IT!

Thank the good Lord above I'm not the only one who feels this way. I had the same thing happen to a 15 pound dumbbell last week.....guess where I found it? By the damn POOL!!!! Sorry the weight ended up in Narnia. That sucks.

Jill Pilgrim said...

That guy at the gym? With the weights? I agree, he must die.

amonymous said...

Personally, I think the person who left the weights like that is probably the same person who leaves the half gallon of ball-sweat on the bench after he gets up.


But I gotta say, moooooog, you're bitching about lazy people because you don't want to have to move the weights?

Hmm...I'll think on that one.

moooooog35 said...

Gauche: Yeah..I'm pretty backed up.

Oh. ANGER.

Nevermind.

Jill: Then it's agreed.

You distract him from the front while I shiv him in the back.

anonymous: It IS the same guy...I can almost guarantee it. I should probably do DNA testing on it.

And hey..I'm hugely muscular and ridiculously strong. Like Tattoo from Fantasy Island if he took steroids.

I'm doing this to help out the ladies.

It's how I roll.

Malicious Intent said...

Thank you! I save my best grammar for you and only you! Dumbshit.

Kellie said...

I don't use free weights at the gym but if I did I'm sure that would annoy the piss out of me too.

And yes, the elevator thing is so super annoying. And in my building we have 2 sets of elevators: one for floors 1-12 and the other for floors 12-24. Why 12 is available on both is beyond me but it just provides an extra annoyance for me. When those ass hats on 12 use the 12-24 to go up & down(knowing they'll be able to get on and not have to stop anywhere along the way). Stupid asses who think they are better than everyone and shouldn't have to stop on any other floors. (Yeah, I'm on the 23rd floor and it takes forever so I can bitch if I want to...I'm not lazy.) :)

LBluca77 said...

My face one day might permanently freeze with a dirty look on it from all the dirty looks I give to the assholes that work on the 2nd floor and take the elevator.

And I know it is so mean but there is one lady who shall we say is metabolically challenged that works on the second floor. Any time I have to waste my time on the elevator with her while she takes it to the 2nd floor I have to bite my tongue from telling her “this is exactly why you are as large as a whale.”

Kirsten said...

Okay, mr. super-duper-in-shape-guy!! Mr. I-walk-up-20-stairs-like-it's-nothing-guy!
stop showing off!

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Man, nothing makes for a better read than a pissed off Moogie. Good job, my demented friend.

moooooog35 said...

MI: Wait...aren't you a NASCAR fan?

You know grammar?!?!

Amazing.

Kellie: Yet another reason we've been blessed with the words, "fucking assholes."

Lbluca: We're like twins except totally not.

Kirsten: I can't help but to show off.

I'm doing it now and not even trying.

It's really quite fascinating to watch.

Chris: Anger..it's what's for dinner.

I have no idea what that means.

Buzzardbilly said...

This is precisely why I don't exercise. Really. It is. It's not laziness. It's a fear of Narnia.

cavy said...

you. are. so. right.

Becky..AMHW said...

Mario Lopez sez you should buy one of THESE.

Excuse me...I need a moment.

tannnngerine said...

how about the people who walk into the elevator when there is no one else but you inside and they stand right in front of you...

that's a pet peeve of mine!! they have the WHOLE freakin' elevator... but nooo, they have to stand right in front.

Don said...

What pisses me off more than that shit is when some lazy ass fuck takes the elevator one floor up while holding that goddamn 25lb dumbell in his hands. Asshats!!

Malicious Intent said...

No, I am forced to work with NASCAR.
Difference. I am disabled by NASCAR.

Yer so dumb.

Malicious Intent said...

I am not fucking kidding you.
Husband. Attacked. By. Pitt Bull. Today.

Did you like, curse me and my family or something? I swear to God I burned the photos.

ettarose said...

Hey Moooooog, I get pissed at the people who leave their empty shopping carts in the check out lane. Do I look like I need a fucking empty cart you stupid bitch!That is lazy when you can't even take your cart as you are leaving AND PASSING WHERE YOU GOT IT WHEN YOU CAME IN!

ettarose said...

ps. Where did you rant about people with canes being lazy? I must have missed that part.

ettarose said...

Oh yeah and asswipe is spelled wrong. It's not asshwipe. Just sayin.

meleah rebeccah said...

fucking hysterical rant. But, I AM that lazy. And I would totally take the elevator given a choice over steps.

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