The Squishy Ride Home | Mental Poo

Monday, August 03, 2009

The Squishy Ride Home


Wow...and I didn't even need to buy him dinner.

Let me explain.

The other day, I finally had my first post-40 physical exam.

How did I do?

How did I do?

Well..the only thing he found wrong was that I repeat questions twice sometimes.

I'll give you a minute on that one.

Ah...you're back.

So...I'm totally healthy.

That's right.

Fit as a fucking fiddle.

******* Sidebar *******

If there can be dueling banjos, why can't there be fucking fiddles?

Or...can there be?


Discuss.

***** End Sidebar *****



Aaaaaand...we're back.

So, here's the rundown:

1) Blood pressure: awesome

This is strange, considering that I have two children who drive me fucking nuts OMG OMG are you serious...I just stepped on a goddamn Lego Knight in the middle of the fucking BATHROOM..JESUS H. CHRIST ARE YOU KIDS TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME?!?!?!

So..yeah.

That one's a mystery.


2) Cholesterol: awesome

This, too, despite relying mainly on a diet consisting of mayonnaise and mayonnaise-related products.

(read: more mayonnaise and mayo-flavored mayonnaise substitutes)


3) Prostate: tight

Like...really tight.

How do I know this?

This discovery came during this portion of the exam:

Doctor: "Okay..now if you would drop your underwear, we'll do the hernia and prostate check."

Me: "Does that cost extra to do?"

Doctor: "No..why?"

Me: "Because having my balls juggled with a finger in my ass usually runs me about $35 on the street."

* cricket

Ah. I was wondering why I didn't see a degree in "Adult humor" on his wall.

Whatever.


Regardless...

Underwear...dropped.

RELEASING THE MIGHTY SERPENT!!

* thud

(I wish)

Actually...it was pretty cold in the office.

Knowing that this portion of the exam would be coming up...

...and that my tiny package would become even tinier due to the temperature of the room...

...I had spent the time before the doctor came in looking through "Men's Fitness" magazine trying to find SOMETHING...ANYTHING...to get my Mr. Wiggly to...

...you know...

..eLONGate.

No dice.

On a related note: I probably should have wiped down the pages of the magazine before I left the office because they now have my dick germs on them.


So, bollocky bare-ass, the doctor has me turn my head and cough while he gently caresses my hairless balls.

Fuck.

I need to write a romance novel.

That was fucking beautiful, right there.

He then tells me to turn around, and put my elbows on the examination table.

Apparently...

...it's spelunking time.

Awesome.


Doctor: "Okay...relax...you'll feel some pressure..."

Then.

It happened.

Did I feel pressure?

If by 'pressure' you mean 'the feeling of taking a giant ass-ripping shit,' then...yeah...

I felt some pressure.

Seriously...from what it felt like, I'm assuming this guy can palm basketballs.

Really...

At one point, I think he tickled my liver.


After what seemed like forever, he pulled out of my firm little ass with an audible 'schloooop!' then said:

Doctor: "If you need tissues, there are some right there."

Me: "Yep...I need tissues."

I needed tissues because, apparently, to violate the tight little sphincter of a 5'2" tall, 150 pound heterosexual male...

...you need to use approximately 15 pounds of lube.

Mmmm.

In what was undoubtedly one of the most dignified moments of my almost 41-year life I stood there in the middle of a room with another guy...

...my underwear shabbily wrapped around my ankles as I wiped boatloads of lube out of the crack of my ass with a fucking Kleenex.

'Twas a classic Kodak moment.

Kill me.


But wait...there's more!

Having received a phenomenally excellent clean bill of health, I headed back to work.

Did I mention I drove my motorcycle that day?

Yep. Drove the Harley.

So, roughly 10 minutes into the 20 minute drive back to work...

..the vibrations of the motorcycle began to work their magic.

Let's put it this way:

You know when you have some ketchup left in the bottle but you need to keep whapping it and shaking it upside down to get the last little bit out?

And when you do, it does that whole:

"Sppffffftttt...spffttt...pffttss..."


...thing?

That was me.

However, instead of ketchup being shaken out of me..

..it was the other 14 pounds of lube being vibrated out my asshole.

Yep.

Comfy.


So I rode the next ten minutes with Vaseline pouring out of my ass and squishing and squashing up and down my hairy ass crack and all over my tender little butt cheeks which were firmly pressed against the seat of my madly vibrating Harley.

Good times.

Good times.

Oh...great...

...now I'm repeating regular sentences twice instead of just questions, now.

But if you think I'm going back to the doctor again for that shit, you're sadly mistaken.

********************

UPDATE:

"Steam Me Up Kid" has a story eerily similar to this, but from a woman's perspective.

She is one. Funny. Woman.

When a woman can tell a story about another woman sticking her finger in her ass and a guy LAUGHS instead of getting a boner, you know she's funny.

Go read it.

NOW.

Moog out.

47 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

You are seriously wacky. In a good way. Now I can't figure out what I'm going to blog about today because all I can think of is lube vibrating out of your ass on the motorcycle.

Malicious Intent said...

I almost feel bad for you. But then it left me, quickly and the laughing started.

Try being a woman...doctors seem to think all openings down below are funland with a revolving door!

FawkesFire said...

I don't even know where to start with this one, other then to say "I'm sorry, you poor, violated creature." seriously. But I must confess....I laughed the whole time I was reading this blog. nice post.

Katie said...

That's great that you came out clean. I wouldn't have bet on that with YOUR money.

Mango Girl said...

You didn't know that a harley would do that to you? Hasn't your wife, girlfriend, etc. ever told you that after having sex with them then going for a ride on the scooter?

Glad you are healthy.

FawkesFire said...

wait...I forgot to ask, did you at least get a lollipop from all of this? cause you truly deserve one.

p.s hey Moog, I finally stuck a picture of myself on my profile. good thing my friend is a photographer. sorry, no boob shots. Love ya.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

OMG! So gross.... and so funny...lol!

moooooog35 said...

Peach: Well..feel free to write about lube vibrating out of my ass.

It almost writes itself.

You're welcome.

MI: I totally picked the wrong profession.

Fawkes: It's okay to laugh...it's kinda the point.

You're not the bright.

Katie: I'm not sure if I came out clean or not, the doctor threw away the glove before I could look at it.

Oh. You meant the physical, in general.

Nevermind.

Mango: '..after having sex with them..'

HAHAHAHA!

Thanks for the laugh.

Fawkes: Yeah. Okay.

That's you.

Hold on...let me post my picture here as well.

(searches for Fabio)

Birdshit: Yeah. Try being there.

Actually...that would have been weird.

ettarose said...

moooooog, as usual you are seriously disturbed! But in a good way. Really though can you imagine going every six months and have your ass held open with a duck bill while the Dr. puts on a mining hat and inserts himself up to the shoulder? You just don't know how much fun you are missing. The only good thing for me is I have an old gyno with palsy!

Gauche said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gauche said...

I've gotta admit, I've been lurking around this blog for a while, but this one was too good to pass up without commenting. Wonderfully written and quite possibly the best one you've written.

You had me laughing so hard in my office I have my co workers looking worried. Thanks, Moog. Now I'm gonna get marked as the office lunatic. **glare**

worth it, totally worth it. Just curious, have you ever considered doing stand up comedy?

GeologyJoe said...

dude...never 'chub up' for your doctor. that's just sad...and a little gay.

CatLadyLarew said...

You make me snort when I laugh, but you can't scare me...

I've had a colonoscopy!

I've had a colonoscopy!

(Unlike you, I'm not repeating myself... I've had two colonoscopies... getting old sucks!)

Jennifer said...

I totally can't stop laughing at this post! Unfortunately I now have visuals of this appointment.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

this may be my all-time favorite post ever. you should try doing the walk of shame with some guy's load leaking out. fun times.

LiLu said...

I bet it was the easiest poo ever when you went, though.

Ewwwwwwwwww.

Mike said...

You probably got your homosexual readers all hot and bothered.

You know, there might be a profit to be made there somewhere.

Just saying.

Christina_the_wench said...

What Claire said.

This still doesn't beat childbirth. No, it doesn't. You should buy all us women something nice now. Just because.

moooooog35 said...

Etta: Once again you have confirmed that I'm in the wrong profession.

* buying mining helmet now

Gauche: I have considered stand up comedy but that would require travel and time away from my family and OMG OMG I'M TOTALLY GOING TO DO STAND UP COMEDY.

Geo: I wasn't chubbing up...just...you know...trying to get it to be not so small.

Oh. Yeah.

I guess that is gay.

CatLady: Liked it so much you went back for seconds?

Hey everyone! CatLady likes it in the pooper!

Jennifer: You have visuals...I have nightmares.

Claire: You sound classy.

LiLu: I ate whole rocks just to see how easy.

Mike: Nice with the 'probably.'

We're on to you, dude.

Christina: how is a guy's hand in my ass like you giving birth?

Separate orifice. Out vs. In.

Jesus, woman...it's like you're not even paying attention.

And, no...I ain't buying you shit.

So there.

Anonymous said...

hahahaaaaa... that was a good story for a Monday.

Swirl Girl said...

all I could think of between the laughter and chortling was the line from Caddyshack (or was it Fletch?) when Chevy has his exam and just when the Doc 'does' his thing - Chevy sings out "Moo-oon River...."

Although on your motorcycle after your exam - you were probaly singing Simon and Garfunkles "Slip , Slidin' Away"

Mars said...

You should right romance, that's just like all the novels I've ever read. Especially the part about the motorcycle.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

omg that picture- i'm dying.

Becky..AMHW said...

...And there are men out there that sit there, their mouths lolling open, blank looks on their faces, wondering why oh why their women won't perform the majestic act of bumsex.

I'd also like to add the word "speculum" right here.

Now get yourself to a Walgreens and buy some witch hazel for your bum. You'll thank me later.

coffeypot said...

I remember my first time. The doctor had his left hand on my shoulder and was poking and churning away...then his right hand hit my shoulder and he was hollering "Sweet Jesus, who's your daddy."

The cleanup was...um...not the best thing I ever had to do. That’s what I get for letting my gay brother recommend a good doctor. They are married, now.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Bonus points for your use of the word "spelunking".

Sounds fun, I gotta schedule one of them things.

King of New York Hacks said...

Just had mine this year too moog....and the drug didn't knock me out...nuff said. 40 sucks. lol

Gauche said...

I'm tellin' ya, Moog, if Humor equaled Sexy, you'd be on the cover of People Magazine. never mind the fact that you ride a Harley, which is way adorable, but you've got the humor too. Mrs. Moog is lucky.

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh, I have another 4 years for that, but I have been practicing.

Narm said...

People pay a lot of money at Sea World for the same thing!

PS - I believe you are a BoSox fan - enjoy Victor - we miss him already.

Maxie said...

now you know how i feel every day on the way home from work. it's a long walk from the corner to my house.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Long time, no see.

You are out of control, just like I remember.

Keep up the good work.

moooooog35 said...

Anonymous: Thank you. I usually try to post shitty stuff on Mondays, so this was a nice break.

Swirl: Actually, I sang this to the tune of 'raindrops keep falling on my head':

"Lube globs keep drippin' out my ass..."

Mars: I KNOW. Wrong profession, I picked. Being a gigolo is so overrated.

Chelsea: You're dying? Here...this extra lube should spruce you right up.

I have no idea what that means.

Becky: Wait...WHY won't you do bumsex again? I don't get it.

Coffee: It makes us wonder why you still go there twice a week.

Chris: Bonus points?!? That gives me, what...1?

King: We all know you spit out the pill...don't kid yourself.

Gauche: Yeah..I'm sure my wife is reading all of this right now saying:

"That's my man."

With a loving twinkle in her eye.

That was sarcastic.

Malach: Practicing? I was wondering what happened to this wiffle ball bat.

Narm: Thanks...Victor's 5 for 6 the other day seemed like a nice welcome gift.

By the way...I went to SeaWorld and don't remember getting a finger in my ass.

What part of the park were YOU in?

Maxie: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO FOR WORK?!?!?

Jeannette: Holy shit, woman...welcome back! Send your minions.

I still need money.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

OMG! (Wiping out the bilges of my keyboard) Damn coffee!

AV

Stacie's Madness said...

your posts leave me speechless...
love it. (you're welcome)

fiona said...

A Tampon! You should have used a Tampon PRE bike ride...

Lemmonex said...

Why why why with all the poop talk...it hurts my head.

moooooog35 said...

AV: Cleanup on aisle 5?

Stacie: Wow. I got a woman to shut up?

Fiona: Yeah..that request would have gone over really well.

Lemmonex: Poop talk? Where?!

For the record, this was not about poop.

It was about a man and the violation of his backside.

It's a love story, really.

Just A Girl said...

Ok look, I won't lie. I'm a little turned on right now. And by a little, I mean extremely. Just know that. And I checked my email and your balls are NOT hairless.

moooooog35 said...

Just a Girl:

mom?

Kellie said...

OMG. You totally out did yourself on this one. You're killing me Smalls! :)

That ET picture sent me over the edge.

Gauche said...

well, Moog. You did something nobody in this office thought was possible. You got my stuffy boss to laugh herself silly. mind you, that was a horrifying sound....like a donkey braying with its tongue stuck in a blender.......but yeah...it was a laugh....or a seizure...moving on.....

Good job.

I think I might be getting a raise out of this. Just because of that, you're now extra sexy. congrats. I think it was the E.T picture that did it for her. Mind if I use it as a screensaver?

Buzzardbilly said...

My stomach hurts from laughing, but my sphincter remembers when my mom asked her gyno to do a rectal exam on me at the ripe age of 14 or 15. The man had Louisville Sluggers for fingers. Seriously. Mom cried because she could hear me screaming from the waiting room. I'm an exit only kinda gal, except for my doc who is an under 5 foot slight slip of a woman with tiny tiny tiny little fingers. This is the age when men need women doctors the most...because women doctors tend to have slimmer fingers ;)

You have my sympathies.

Zan said...

This is why I will never bitch about my yearly pap smears again. At least our hole was designed for things to go in there (fingers & dicks, anyway...)...the anus is "exit only" for a reason!

Zan said...

Oh, and I'm glad you didn't have an orgasm from the vibrations...then I'd have had to question your sexuality. Again.

meleah rebeccah said...

I think I love mayo as much as you do.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I started in with the giggling around Lego Knight and Tornado destruction tag, and I peaked at the ketchup bottle lube analogy. Holy crap.

Wow, this was a goodie.

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