Back in the Saddle...but Now I Have a Heating Pad | Mental Poo

Monday, September 28, 2009

Back in the Saddle...but Now I Have a Heating Pad


My back is still fucking killing me.

You know...

I thought karate was supposed to make you tougher.

Instead, I feel like someone drew a picture of Paris Hilton's vagina on my lumbar while I was passed out in the back room of a night club.

Best. Tattoo. Ever.

What?

In my five days with this unrelenting soreness...

I've come up with a short list of things you don't want to do when you have a sore back:

1) Go lifting

"Wow...my back is fucking killing me and I can barely bend over to spit out my toothpaste without having to prop myself up on my bruised and battered elbows."

* pause

"LET'S PUMP SOME FUCKING IRON!"

On a related note:

I've never been accused of being smart.

******* Sidebar *******

Do you think 'battered elbows' was one of Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite dishes?

Discuss.

******* End Sidebar *******

Great.

Now I want flesh.

Other shit you shouldn't do with a bad back...

2) Ride your motorcycle

Not exactly sure what I was thinking here.

But when your lower back feels like John Goodman has camped out there and is diligently practicing his Scottish dancing...

"I'm Lord of the Dance! I'm Lord of the Dan...!"

* Thud

(apparent heart attack)

...sitting upright on a motorcycle driving 15 miles to work probably isn't the best thing to fucking do.


* bump

"Ow."

* bumpity bump


"Oooof....shit....that fucking hurt...ARGH! POTHOLE!!"

* CLUMP!!

"OHMYGOD OHMYGOD FUCK SHIT FUCKITY FUCKSHIT"

..and that's just pulling out of my fucking driveway.

(reminder to call paving company)


At one point I fully expected my spine to simply detach at my pelvis and start flopping over to the side of my bike.

I hate when that happens.

3) Going Poo Poo

Stay with me on this one.

You see...

I can't really bend.

Pooping requires bending.

(Try doing it once standing and you won't make that same mistake again. My apologies to my neighbor here and a promise to buy them a new sandbox.)

Somehow..pooping also uses your back muscles.

At least mine do.

I eat big.

So..instead of the normal:

"..unnnghhh.."

I end up like this:



So dropping Ye Ole Deuce has become more of a chore lately, instead of the hour of family fun that it usually is.

Our board games suck.

So, yeah...

....my back is still fucking killing me and I'm running out of Oxycontin.

Maybe I'll pick some up on my way home.

After I go to the gym on my motorcycle.

20 comments:

CatLadyLarew said...

I feel your pain! As the proud owner of a herniated disc, I thank you for the recommendations. But I'm curious... you mean to say that men CAN'T poop standing up? I thought they got to do everything standing up. I'm so disillusioned. In the TMI department, sitting down is easy... it's the getting back up again that presents the problem... exacerbated by my lack of an ACL & MCL in my left knee. Getting old sucks!

Mike said...

I'm surprise you didn't opt for the high colonic.

Or at least the affordable version with a garden hose and a mexican from the front of home depot.

I don't know this how?

Ed Adams said...

Man up.


That is all.

Christina_the_wench said...

Has anyone tested your mental competency lately? Or is this a man thing? (And that would explain a lot.)

Becky..AMHW said...

Mike took my joke. Damn him.

JenJen said...

Take your skirt off.

moooooog35 said...

CatLady: Men can only poo standing up while standing on the edges of the tub.

Note to self to clean my tub.

Mike: Mexicans are in front of Home Depot?

Huh. I thought those were snow blowers.

Ed: Wow. You sound like my daughter.

Christina: You're assuming that there's competency to test.

SUCKA!

Becky: He does that a lot when he's not making fun of fat people.

JenJen: Fine.

But you'll need to stand back a bit.

JD at I Do Things said...

Dang. I never get Oxycontin for back pain; only Vicodin. Maybe if I bring in that picture of John Goodman and use that to illustrate what it feels like, I'll get some of the good stuff.

Un[Censored] said...

I know exactly how you feel and to think, you can end up there, just by picking up a piece of paper and when you come back up *CrrrraaaCCcck* and it's all over with.

Luckily, my friend is a Chiropractor and I go see him for free.

LiLu said...

I hope you got John Goodman's autograph.

On your ass.

Funnyrunner said...

lol. Okay. I'm tired of your showing off how good you are at photoshop, or whatever you use.

Also, isn't John Goodman dead?

I've had back pain like that before... I was in tears every time I had to ride in a car. It SUCKED, to say the least. Try lying on your back with your feet propped up on a coffee table (your wife'll love it) with your knees at a 90 degree angle. Trust me. It helps. Stay there for a long, long time.

Finally, try pooping after you've had a baby and then we'll talk. wimp.

JenJen said...

If I'm standing in the front: hahahahahahaha. Ahem. *in my best singing voice* okay, I'll "stand back" K. Ready. Bring it.
Now
If I'm in back, well hell. I got nothin' except this is the only other time I run.
The first situation that calls for me running is when it rains and I am unfortunate enough to be outside and trapped in it.

jessicabold said...

Have you ever tried to poo when you had a sore back AND abs so sore it hurts to BREATHE much less try to contract...because you thought doing crunches would help you "stand up straighter" and therefore help the back pain?...

Yeah...come talk to me then.

http://www.booshy.wordpress.com

Kellie said...

That John Goodman picture is the cream of the crop. Awesome. Also, maybe try some laxatives. :)

Malach the Merciless said...

Have your tried a Doctor? You know, just saying

Jill Pilgrim said...

Life is hard.

Olly said...

I KNEW those weren't cat turds in my kid's sandbox!

moooooog35 said...

JD: I have a guy.

Call me on the batphone.

Un[censored]: dude..if you throw out your back picking up a sticky note, you've got bigger issues.

Just sayin.'

Lilu: I only have the marks where his toenails dug in.

They're 3 inches deep.

Funny: The next time I'm pregnant I will definitely try pooping.

Might be a while.

JenJen: Can't fault a guy for trying, right? RIGHT?

Jessica: It's now on my 'to do' list. Thanks for the tip!

That's what she said.

Kellie: Yeah..like I need to poop MORE.

No thank you.

Malach: I'm not sure what having my doctor walk on my back would do, but okay.

Jill: And so am I.

Not really.

I need advance warning for that.

Olly: If it's longer than a forearm, chances are it's me.

Gauche said...

Moog?

hey, could you try not to make me laugh so hard? now my back muscles hurt.

jerk.

meleah rebeccah said...

Ugh. Back pain is The Worst! But Iv'e never heard it soooo perfectly described as:

"But when your lower back feels like John Goodman has camped out there and is diligently practicing his Scottish dancing..."

Brilliant.

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